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An Open Letter to My 18-Year-Old College Self

You Asked: Am I That Bad of a Kisser?

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating this great guy for about four months now. He is my first
kiss, boyfriend, first everything. He dated only one girl before me and it
only lasted about two months, but recently when we make out or he kisses me goodnight, he has this habit of commenting on how, "he promises we will get the kissing thing down soon." He has said this three times and it didn't bother me the first time he said it, but now that he has said it multiple times the words are starting to sting. I know that I am VERY inexperienced, but so is he! I love being around him and kissing him, but he has taken the fun out of making out because the whole time I'm kissing him I'm pre-occupied with wondering what I could be doing wrong. I kind of just want him to either say something nice after we kiss or not say anything at all because commenting on how we aren't doing it right is making me
extremely self-conscious. Should I talk to him about it or just let it go? I
know his intentions are meant well because he's not saying it in a mean
way, but I don't think he realizes the effect of his comments. Help!

—Embarrassed Emilie

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Embarrassed Emilie,

I don't think you're doing anything wrong. Yeah sure, it takes a little practice to get the kissing down pat, but when you really like someone, you just follow your heart and do what comes naturally, so there's really no wrong way to do it.

Truthfully, everyone kisses differently. Some people like a lot of deep tongue action, and some people prefer a lot of closed-lip kissing. Since you're both pretty inexperienced, I think it's something you two can work on (and have fun practicing), but not if he's going to continue making you feel self-conscious.

If you really like this guy, I think you should talk to him about how you feel instead of keeping your feelings bottled up inside. Maybe you can ask him what he likes, you can tell him what you like, and you can try some different ways of kissing each other. You should definitely mention something about how his words are hurting your feelings, since I'm sure he'd want to know that he's offending you. With some time and hours of making out under your belt, I'm sure you'll work out all your kissing kinks. If he continues to be insensitive and critical, I'd give this guy to someone else and find a nicer guy to smooch. Good luck!


Join The Conversation
brigitteplease brigitteplease 9 years
everyone likes kissing a differnt way, i think a good kiss is just when u both like the same technique, and sometimes u start to like someone else's style of kissing, like sharing favorite foods, oh i have an idea, buy tons of sweets and chocolats, be a pig and get it all over your lips and mouth, good kissing garanteed! :D
blondewithbangs blondewithbangs 9 years
um if i were you i would just say "if you dont like it, go kiss someone else!" Sorry but what he is saying is plain rude. I say find a guy that appriciates you, not one that makes you feel bad for showing affection. There a millions of guys out there.
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 9 years
This looks pretty clear cut to me. I think he feels insecure, and that's why he keeps making the same comment. You sound kind of young (like in high school) so, I wouldn't talk to him about'll just make it worse and embarrass him. I would just go with the flow (and stop thinking about the comment when you all kiss), and soon he'll get comfortable with the way he kisses you. :)
bfly1133 bfly1133 9 years
I'm with the others that are suggesting his comments are because he feels like he is doing something wrong, not because he thinks you are bad. The fact the he says "I promise" really points in that direction in my opinion. As others have stated, communication is key. Talk to him about how you are feeling. This is a great way to get into the habit of nicely expressing your feelings to your significant other. He won't know how you feel until you tell him. No one can read your mind. :) Remember to say "I feel" or "It hurts me when" or similar things. Try to avoid "you" statements. Good luck at overcoming this small obstacle. Have fun practicing. ;)
The-Grizz The-Grizz 9 years
The first kiss is never that good. You have to get use to each other but I think his comments are cute. And if you aren't a good kisser he clearly doesn't mind or he wouldn't kiss you. I think he likes you alot and just might be a little self conscious himself.
aimeeb aimeeb 9 years
Talk to him, especially if it's starting to upset you.
lisafrank lisafrank 9 years
Definetely talk to him about time he says it tell him you want to learn now and spend a few hours 'practicing'! :) I know I can relate with the inexperienced part and I assume most all were like that in the beginning, but we all just need a little practice and guidance. Have fun!
Random2 Random2 9 years
Talk to the guy, and if his attitude doesn't change, dump him. Also, don't be so self conscience about your own skills, he's probably loving it, and trying to make up for his own shortcomings in the area. And, practice makes perfect, right?
missnomi missnomi 9 years
could it be he said that because he himself feels self conscious about it and thinks you perhaps disapprove of his kissing?
omgitseduarda omgitseduarda 9 years
It sounds like he's the one who's not sure that he is a good kisser himself! I dont think he is saying at all that it is you; not at all. I remember one of my first bf said the same thing to me once, but it turns out that was only cuz he thought i was better than him. so dont worry. dont worry at all. i think its fine, just rly let yourself go and enjoy ryourself...otherwise, whats the point? and if he does keep on saying that just tell him its okay, and that everything is fine. he could be the one looking for reassurence as well.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
There is something to be said for lack of tact. Talk to him, he can't be acting all big headed just because's he's had a previous relationship.
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
Yup you two need to talk and I agree maybe your kisses havn't been great because your so afraid of what he's gonna say. Ask him how to make it better and see if you agree, don't just do whatever he says!
JessNess JessNess 9 years
Like everyone else said talk to him about how you feel after he tells you that. Then take control and suggest a fun little practice session tell him to show you what hes made of ;)
nicachica nicachica 9 years
awww...finally! a question that isn't about porn! WOOO HOOO!!! i hope this doesn't sound condescending, but this question was so cute and awkward and innocent...took me back to my youngin days when these were the important issues! ;)
Happy-Jenny Happy-Jenny 9 years
ok hes an ass either he is lying about his experience or he should shut up
i-am-elle i-am-elle 9 years
I agree with everyone else. Talk to him. It's the best way to solve the problem. It might be hard to bring up, but imagine how much better you will feel once you do!
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
It may be that he's feeling insecure about his own skills, if he's as inexperienced as you say. And that's why he's making those comments. Talk to him. Let him know that you're feeling a little self-conscious about kissing now, because of what he's said. And like Pop said, give each other little demonstrations of what you like and don't like. Have fun with it!
NdHebert NdHebert 9 years
how old are you.....
DCRoamer DCRoamer 9 years
As always, pop makes me laugh... well put!
pink_magnetism pink_magnetism 9 years
I think you should talk to him about how his comments are making you feel. If you're constantly worried about if you're a bad kisser when you're kissing him, then you won't be completely into it. I assume since you know about his past that he knows he is your first kiss/boyfriend, so maybe he can show you some tips if you ask.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
Sure, follow your heart etc. But what if your heart is telling you to drool all over his face and shove your tongue down his throat as far as you can? There is definitely something to be said for technique. I dated a slightly older guy in high school and he taught me how to kiss. Or, at least he showed me a new way to kiss that was far superior in my opinion to my original technique. I am eternally grateful to him (and so are my past, present, and future boyfriends)! So my advice to poster is... say: "Show me how you want me to kiss you." And then let him show you what he wants (with you as the guniea pig). If it doesn't feel right, then you can ask him to do x and y differently. That will give you an idea of what he wants. Then you can practice! Good luck.
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