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You Asked: Am I Being Played For a Fool?

Dear Sugar,

To make a long story short, I have been in an on again/off again relationship with a former colleague for years. We go to events together, date, kiss, etc, but there's no real commitment. He knows that I've decided to remain a virgin until marriage, so this is not just his scheme to get laid. A friend of mine decided that she wanted some answers, and she approached him to ask about our relationship. He didn't know that she was my close friend, and he revealed to her that he is not at all interested in having a relationship with me. So why do I still care so much? Every time I try to back off, he just pulls me in again. I'm so confused.

— Feeling Used Felicity

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Feeling Used Felicity,

You still care about this person because you're human, and while rationally you might know that having feelings for him is a bad idea, it doesn't mean your heart has realized that yet. It takes time to break away from someone, but in this case, that's what you have to do. Though I don't know the details of your history together, this guy sounds like a charmer to me, which means that he reels you in not because he has any intention of commitment, but because he likes the comfort of always having you there. Even if you're not having sex, he's still getting something out of this and you're just getting a broken heart.

If you continue to let him, this guy will try to pull you in over and over again. You just have to put your foot down, and remind yourself that you deserve that commitment that you're looking for. Once you make the break you'll be able to open yourself up to all sorts of new possibilities. I know this will be difficult, but it'll be worth it. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
girlfriday girlfriday 9 years
Something about this sounds off to me... Why was your friend so eager for "answers"? Are you sure you can trust her? Maybe she's interested in him for herself. And the fact that he came right out and told her he wasn't interested in you...why would someone say that to a complete stranger? If he had wanted her number he would have said "oh we're just friends" or "we're not together." It just doesn't sit right to me. If you are really truly interested in him, then I would just come right out and say that you're interested in something more, and if he isn't then you're done being his date to events and done kissing him. And then you move on (so much easier said than done, I know).
Marci Marci 9 years
Well, you have your answer as to where things with this guy are going, so why continue with him? There's absolutely not point to it. His feelings are not going to change, so the sooner you move on the better. It's no different than not eating the Twinkie. Just draw on your willpower at each temptation and walk away.
brownshugar brownshugar 9 years
Why are you still hanging on to something you can't have?? Let that go!!! Don't you have enough confidence in yourself to realize that there are plenty of fish in the sea, and to throw the guppies back?? What did Forest Gump say? "Stupid is as stupid does". Come on Forest....move on.
marcella marcella 9 years
You need to get a grip. If you are in love with some guy after a couple kissing sessions and dates, I hope you are REALLY young (like 15), because that is incredibly naive and immature! I disagree with anyone who tells you to confront him. He'd probably be really confused and would think it's funny that you think you're in a relationship with him. By all means, DO NOT CONFRONT HIM or ask him where you stand. You will only embarrass yourself further.
1QTPIE 1QTPIE 9 years
Just come out with it and ask him whats up and where ya'll stand..
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
First of all getting your friend to ask such an important question about your own life sounds so grade school. He probably only told your friend he had no interest because he was interested in her...he didn't know she was your friend after all right? I also don't get what you expected his answer to be since "there's no real commitment". If this is someone your truly interested in then stop with all the childish games and let him know that your interested in being more than just friends and see where he's coming from. I find it hard to believe that a guy would just tell some random girl, your friend, how he truly feels maybe he was just hoping for some new digits. If you find that he really isn't interested then stop playing yourself because he's not the one playing you!
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
I agree with DearSugar. This guy is a waste of your time and emotional energy. Throw him back. He's NOT a keeper.
almost-famous almost-famous 9 years
How about this theory, he's simply TRYING to get into your pants....?
aeschere aeschere 9 years
i really think he is just using you. maybe not for sex, but a combination of other things..
sunlandseagirl sunlandseagirl 9 years
I agree with JamieLeah here. It is extremely strange that he would claim to have no interest in you and yet you "go to events together,date,kiss etc". I mean he sounds pretty devoted for someone who is disinterested AND receives no sex from you.... Is it common knowledge that you are "waiting" for marraige?? If so he may be putting up the "tough guy/player" front for his friends.This is the most rational conclusion I can draw because his words of distaste for you dont match his actions. Best bet is to ask him where you stand? gluck!
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
If he said he doesn't want to be with you than what logical reason's does he have to be with you. Why would he hang around if he wasn't getting any and doesn't want a relationship. I think he told your friend that he was not interested because he didn't know what to say and how to explain himself. That still doesn't mean that he's a great guy but there is definitely something he's not telling you. I'd ask him what is up and see what he says. If he doesn't have a good excuse then get rid of him ASAP.
almost-famous almost-famous 9 years
You're playing yourself babes. Men love sex and to stay with a virgin until what two more years? Are you kidding me? It's going to be hard as hell to find one to stick around when they're not getting laid. What you need to do is find a best MALE friend with no kissing or inappropriate touching. That way the two of you can bond together mentally first that way once he has gotten to know you on a deeper/friendly level then, it won't be harder to waiting at least on his part.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Being a masochist for pain isn't pretty. Whatever lie you're telling yourself, stop! He doesn't want you, hell, he was candid with someone he doesn't even know, unlike you. I'd say that's how much he doesn't even like you. P.S. that whole bit about your friend seeking answers, nice try, but extremely passive and an extreme turnoff. It also didn't work, he was more honest with her then he's been willing to be with you and you with you.
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