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You Asked: Am I Foolish to Believe My Boyfriend?

Dear Sugar--

I've been going out with a guy for 10 months now. I'm crazy about him, he is everything I would describe as my perfect man. We met in a pub and I'm so glad I went out that night or I would never have known him. I know I am quite a needy person and am able to live happily being single but it makes me feel complete when I have a man to look after me. We live about 3 hours apart because I'm studying at a University.

My problem is that my boyfriend has a really close relationship with a female friend, they see each other every day and she is forever calling and texting. When we first started dating he worked for this girl and since leaving that job about 2 months ago, they have become best friends. They work in the same city so they see each other everyday on their lunch breaks. They have their own inside jokes and she has cute pet names for him.

When I'm away at school, I get so paranoid and I'm worried that I might be over-reacting. I'm afraid he is closer to her than me. I have hinted to him, questioning why they have suddenly become such good friends and he joked and teased me asking if I was jealous. When he realized I wasn't finding it funny, he sat me down and was quite serious. He told me that he has never loved anyone more and he would never do anything to hurt me. He said if he found himself falling for someone else or falling out of love with me, than he would be honest and tell me.

He's not very open with his feelings so when he told me all this, I really believed him. But am I foolish to trust him or am I being stupidly paranoid?? I need some way to stop this intense feeling of panic and helplessness when I think of them together. I feel confident that he wouldn't cheat on me but I feel if he was closer to her than me, that would hurt me just as much. What do I do? Please give me some guidance to stop me from going insane!

--Jealous Jenny

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Jealous Jenny--

If I were dating someone who spent a lot of time with another girl, I'd be jealous too! Your feelings are justified, and combined with missing him; this long distance relationship is going to be really hard on both of you. It's great that you're communicating with your boyfriend about his female friend - I bet he'd be jealous too if you had a similar relationship with a guy friend that he didn't know.

If he has been honest with you for your entire relationship, you shouldn't doubt him when he says he loves you and would never cheat on you. How long are you going to be studying at the University? Do you think you can deal with being apart for that long? Relationships shouldn't be causing you more pain than pleasure, so if you're feeling disconnected from him, could you plan more frequent visits? Or could he? Have you met his female friend? Perhaps putting a face to the name could help you put some of your fears to bed.

Long distance relationships are so tough, and while you can't get upset with your boyfriend for having other friends, you also can't help the way that you feel. You might want to think about taking a little break from dating each other until you are done with school and are able to move closer to him. After that time apart, if you're meant to be together, you'll know for sure. Good luck Jenny!


Join The Conversation
sherylgoh sherylgoh 9 years
when u pay a visit to his place ,may be you can take a chance to go for a dinner with your bf together with the girl. i think this will make you feel better. calling, texting everyday and have pet names for each other sounds fishy for me. some guy can seems like telling you everything to gain your trust so that they can do things behind you without making u doubt. somemore you are in a long distance relationship. so don't believe it all just because you think he tells you everything about the girl and him. some part of the story may not be true. i got a ex, everytime i questioned him, he won't give me an straight answer but he will try to joke, tease me, and end up i never get the exact answers. but he ended up cheated on me. this is my experience. anyway, wish you good luck...
shadafacup shadafacup 10 years
you also have to think of your bf may be sincere yet who is this girl and what are her intentions maybe being around her more you'll see what type of girl and intentions she may or may not have.
Ashlie-H Ashlie-H 10 years
I've been in that EXACT same situation..The nervous, jealous feelings are the worst. I used to get physically sick thinking about it.. like.. how close they are sitting to eachother..laughing and what they are talking about..thinking that he probably never even brought me up..blah blah blah.. it drove me crazy!!! Finally (it may be wrong) I just had the biggest fit, and he stopped hanging out and returning her calls. He may have good intentions, but you never know about the other female :( aggggh...I'm stressed out just remembering the feeling!
Vdogg Vdogg 10 years
obviously he's attempted to calm you down, & it didn't really work. What you need to do now is think to yourself: what could he do to make you feel better? Chances are giving her up is what you want. I knew my bf's friend had a thing for him during the beginning of our relationship, & although he was clueless, i asked him to stop talking to her & he did. It may not be fair to ask him to stop spending so much (or any) time with her, but if that's what it takes to save your relationship, then tell him. Otherwise, find yourself a "best friend" of your own at your university, a male one obviously, & give him a taste of his own medicine. Chances are after he realizes his friendship with this girl is not worth it, he'll give it up. I also wonder: Why is this girl moving in on your territory so diligently? If i knew a guy had a girlfriend I would be far more cautious about seeing him, just out of respect for the girl. It could be that their previous coworker status was preventing them from being close before, but that clearly is not the case now.
onesong onesong 10 years
i think that you're halfway between right and wrong, and i also agree with cgmaetc that your neediness is a separate issue you need to work on. my take: guys and girls can be good friends, but not friends like that. inside jokes are one thing (i have them with all my friends) but pet names absolutely are not. even if it's something like "boogerface," that's a boundary line. also, i think that it's wonderful that your boyfriend sat you down and explained that to you, but i also know it's very easy to say and harder to do. explain to him that you feel like she's encroaching on your place when they're constantly having lunch and dinner together and she's constantly calling and texting, and that you think it means nothing, but it just bothers you because you're his girlfriend. then let him know (as many here have said) that you really want to get to know her better so that you can put your fears to rest. i know that my boyfriend has a friend with whom he is very close (they grew up together) and i was insanely jealous (in a quiet, only-in-my-head kind of way) until i met her. it totally alleviated my fears, and i hope it will do the same for you!
japokie japokie 10 years
I like sugar's reply: "Relationships shouldn't be causing you more pain than pleasure."
Huny85 Huny85 10 years
Huny its so hard to be in a distant relationship.i think you should trust your man if he hasnt done you any wrong in the past.Tell him to stop spending a lot of time with this chick if it makes uncomfortable
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
It sounds like he's a good guy, and has taken the time to try to put your fears to rest. I've had close guy friends before, and I think it's very possible they have a platonic relationship. You should meet her and the three of you should hang out. She can see how happy you two make each other, and you can see that they're just paling around. I also agree that if you are serious about this relationship then you should move closer as soon as it is practical. Don't ruin this relationship by acting like you don't trust him! You know you can be too needy, so try to work on becoming more secure.
PrissyLilBadAss PrissyLilBadAss 10 years
Oh, I just thought of something else! Does he have sisters? 2 of my best friends are guys, and they both have sisters that they don't see often. So I think them finding a close friend that is a girl, kind of fill the void of not seeing their sisters as often. They're use to having the closeness and opinion of girls around all the time. "Party like a rock star, pound like a porn star, play like an all star!"
PrissyLilBadAss PrissyLilBadAss 10 years
I think he's being honest. If he was able to pick up on your tone and the seriousness of your hints and he was willing and able to converse about the situation, I'd take that as a good sign. Straight up denial and unwillingness to talk would be a totally different thing. "Party like a rock star, pound like a porn star, play like an all star!"
kittycat kittycat 10 years
if i were u, i'd be furious as to why he hangs with her all day and not with u. if he loves u, u should be talking on phone or messaging or chatting online together. why is he with her all day? i think for now he loves u and has no current intention of hooking up with her, but i find it really annoying that he seems to spend more time with her than with u. and people dont have pet names or secret codes unless they are in relationships together, thats like couple language. my concern is that he loves u now, but she might move in on him when he's in a weak state, such as u guys have a fight and she wants to be his comfort or when he's had a few drinks, who knows what happens. doesnt seem like he really loves u to me
junebrug junebrug 10 years
I could give you the politically correct answer, but I wouldn't be being honest. I think he is telling the truth and has no intention of cheating, but the road to hell is paved with good intentions, as they say. I think a man and a woman and hanging out together all the time, all day, all evening, it is inevitable that they will hook up eventually. You guys get into a fight, she breaks up with her boyfriend (if she has one) and puts her head on his shoulder, all weepy, etc, and happens. You say you are needy. Are those your words or his? Again, as non-PC as it gets, but to keep a man coming forward, take a step back. Next time you're supposed to get together, you're too busy. Now he's thinking about you and what you're doing rather than her. Even if you are needy, NEVER act that way around him. You couldn't care less. Then you're the ungettable Venus and she's just the friend he can hang with anytime. Men give women as much respect as he sees her demonstrate respect for herself. If you show him it would be inconceiveable for anyone to cheat on you, he'll think so too.
MotoLinz MotoLinz 10 years
From what was posted, it sounds like you're doing all right. Keep on guard, though. My boyfriend has an old, old female friend who never posed any threat or annoyance to me in the past. Recently, however, the calls and text messages from her have increased, noticeably, and she's even interfered in our relationship. I'm trying to play it cool and not fly off the handle, but she's cruising...
emisaurusrex emisaurusrex 10 years
I think everyone else's advice so far has been good, but I'd like to give a little input as someone who's been the female friend. For a long time, I was best friends with a wonderful guy. Things between us were completely platonic (on both ends) although we often had inside jokes and nicknames for each other. Eventually, he got a girlfriend. She absolutely hated me because she felt threatened by our relationship. The truth is, she shouldn't have been but she ended up ruining he and I's friendship with her jealousy. Had she ever taken the time to really watch he and I interact together, she would've seen that there wasn't anything there. So that's the best advice I have for you-- hang out with your boyfriend and her female friend. See how they interact, see how they both act towards you when they're around each other. I think it'll give you an accurate reading of what's going on. Long distance relationships are hard. I was in one with my boyfriend before I eventually moved in with him. I know that establishing trust in that situation is hard and it's easy to get jealous but speaking from experience, there may be no reason to be. Keep an open mind about the situation as much as possible and communicate with your boyfriend. Establish boundaries, talk about what's appropriate and what's not. He sounds like a great guy and I wish you good luck!
cgmaetc cgmaetc 10 years
The fact that you admitted you are needy presents a problem. It seems you are looking to this guy to 'complete' you rather than being complete on your own and then having a boyfriend enhance your already rich life. When you look to a man to validate your beauty, worthiness, happiness, whatever, you are on a slippery slope. I said all that to say that it doesn't matter whether this girl is just a friend, a side-gig, or your replacement, you have trust issues that stem from your neediness. It doesn't matter if he's completely faithful or a total dog, it will never be enough for you. Even if you lived closer, saw each other every day, co-habitated, worked together, or installed a GPS in his wrist, because you are so dependent upon his approval, you will still feel less than worthy of his love. I'd start working on yourself before you try to change/fix him. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I've been where you are and you can ruin a great relationship by being too needy and clingy. He sounds like a great guy and the girl could just be a friend. You don't want to drive a wedge between you just because you are a bit insecure and accusatory about your relationship. Like DearSugar said, there's no reason to distrust him unless he have given you a reason. -the ceeg
tifygodess24 tifygodess24 10 years
I would say watch out , you have no idea what this womans intentions are .You know his intentions for now but men change all the time he may feel a certain way one day then change his mind the next. What happens if shes in the side lines waiting for some huge fight you two get in and she goes in for the kill?? I have known nasty woman like that and its so easy for some women to fall hard for a guy even if they have a GF. I would hang out with these two together and get a feeling yourself .Try to befriend her , if she truthful about wanting to be just his friend and nothing more she should want to be friendly with you since you have such a huge part in his life. If one of them , or both of them dont want hang out or what ever, that its a huge warning sign. Trust your gut feeling , sometimes even the person who seems most honest can be one sneaky dog.....
sbgirl sbgirl 10 years
I think he is being honest. I have a very close friend who is male and married. We worked together and started going to the gym together everyday, had lunch all the time, etc.. (I was single at the time) However- neither of us ever thought about it as anything but just close friends. People that we worked with thought there might be something going on and so I started to feel uncomfortable. I eventually ended up getting to know his wife really well and now the 4 of us (my husband included)go on trips together etc... It is possible for men & women to be friends, but I think it is rare. Good luck - it does sound like he was really sincere though!
ash_marisa ash_marisa 10 years
The fact that he told you about these pet names and inside jokes makes it harmless to me. If it was more than it is, he wouldn't tel you about them. Even more so if he knew her before he met you, you can't really blame them for their close friendship. Long distance probably enhances these worries. If you were there, I doubt you would be feeling this way. Have you hung out with her? If you hung out w them together you may feel better.
sparklestar sparklestar 10 years
If he has pet names for her, they meet every day and have inside jokes then she may not be his girlfriend but she is certainly a REPLACEMENT for you when you are away at University. How would this work if you were there? Would he take issue with you spending time with him and his "friend" or would he try and stop that from happening? What would SHE say? To me this is an "other woman" and quite frankly I wouldn't be happy about it. All it takes is one too many drinks or a friendly touch on the arm and BANG.. you wouldn't even know it was happening. Yes, I am suspicious. Yes, I've been hurt before. I don't trust anybody, no matter how sincere they may seem. Everybody it out for themselves at the end of the day.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
Your boyfriend certainly knows what to say to make you feel better, but you don't really feel better, do you? I wonder why not? Is this something you inherited from a past relationship, or is this a gut feeling you are getting from this guy? If it's the former, try to relax and realize not all guys are untrustworthy. If it's the latter, ask yourself why this guy unsettles you so much. Could be a warning flag.
katyshoe katyshoe 10 years
i think that your boyfriend seems very loyal. but you have to watch out if they are having inside jokes and pet names. i think thats what people in a relationship do.
calibabi calibabi 10 years
dear's advice is great. to me, it sounds like your bf was really sincere and honest when he said he'd be upfront with you if he starts falling for someone else. it sounds like he is trustworthy, and that this girl is just a friend. unless things get really shady and he starts lying to you, at this point i would say it's okay to trust him. especially if he has never really done anything else to break your trust.
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