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You Asked: Am I Going to Get Hurt?

Dear Sugar,

I recently met a pretty amazing guy, and we hit it off right away. About two weeks in, we had a state-of-the-union conversation, and he told me that he just got out of a year-long relationship and doesn't want to get into anything serious right now. We agreed to try just being friends, but that only lasted two weeks because we have this crazy chemistry and we love being together. Since friendship didn't work, we decided to date and keep things casual. We're seeing a lot of each other still, and I can feel myself really starting to fall for him, but I'm scared that I'm going to get hurt at the end because he's been so adamant about not starting up a serious relationship again. He makes time for me and he treats me like a girlfriend; we even met each other's parents. So am I just being paranoid? Am I heading for big trouble/heartbreak by letting myself fall for him? Should I get out now before it's too late? — Setting Myself Up Sadie

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Setting Myself Up Sadie,

Although this guy says he doesn't want a relationship, it's pretty clear by his actions that he does! As the old saying goes, actions speak louder than words, but I completely understand your concerns. Another talk is definitely in order, but I recommend keeping it fairly laid-back. Tell him how much fun you've been having with him, but make sure you let him in on your fears too — again, in a casual way. You don't want to scare him off, but it's important to be honest. Something tells me he's afraid to put a label on your relationship so see how he reacts to your talk — hopefully he'll be able to calm your fears.

There are no guarantees in any relationship, even the ones that have labels on them, so if it feels right and if you're enjoying the time you spend together, I say stick with it. Good luck and have fun!


Join The Conversation
jazzytummy jazzytummy 8 years
I think the key here that many have already mentioned is...what do YOU want? If you are looking for marriage/committment, just realize that you may be waiting awhile for this guy to "change his mind" about getting serious, that is, IF he changes his mind. It is a total gamble. So I guess the question is, how long are you willing to wait and see if it happens, and how hurt will you be if it doesn't? If being with him is worth the potential pain and disappointment, and if you are not looking to get married anytime soon, I would say just chill and enjoy the relationship if you can. I would keep it light, and I guess I am with the other posters regarding keeping your own options open. Maybe it is time for him to see that YOU can date others too and are fine with it...even if deep down you just want to be exclusive with him. I am a bit cynical, but I always think it is a bad thing when a guy thinks he has you in his pocket. He has nothing to "work" for. I don't like those games, but I think it is the nature of men to pursue.
babysoftpink babysoftpink 8 years
this guy or similar guys behavior make me feel pathetic that I want a relationship. Why do I always want a relationship what is wrong with me? Responding to the question, no matter how loud his actions speak, I would stay away because no one knows you better than yourself. If the guys says he finds himself not wanting anything serious for a while, take that at a face value. If you've got lots of time to waste and aren't in any hurry to want to get married. I think it is fine but if you really are looking for a very serious relationship like the ones that would lead to marriage, I would say move on. I know it is always harder to put this concept into practice.. I myself am suffering and not practicing what I logically believe in either.. sigh.. sorry.
sperry20 sperry20 8 years
I had the exact same situation happen to me...except his reasons for not wanting a serious relationship were different. My relationship ended recently. I had the hopes of maybe he will change his mind since we got on so well and loved spending time with each other. Nope, he had his mind made up. And if you are feeling this is an issue, that is your gut instinct telling you exactly what you don't want to hear. Of course, now my ex has relationship-hopped into a new one, despite his anti-serious relationship stance. But I know the same thing is going to happen to her. If you feel you are getting attached, I'd take a step back and re-evaluate if you could handle it ending when he realizes that it is becoming serious. I say cut your losses. Why be with someone if there is no future to the relationship??
AlexE70 AlexE70 8 years
A wonderfully interesting thing, sometimes a truly sad thing, is the opportunity to love again, and to allow one's self to feel love again. Often, especially right after being in a previous relationship, one tends to be hesitant to allow one's self to feel these feelings about someone you've just met. I've personally come to realize that this reservation is often more of the fear that this next person, however wonderful they might be, may only end up being the "rebound" person. And nobody wants to be that, nor does anyone want to make their next relationship the "rebound" one. His hesitation or reluctance to go deeper and further with the relationship could be just that. Or it could be that he might feel he's not ready. But when the opportunity for true happiness comes along, you've got to grab it and hold onto it. Life's way too fleeting, and oportunities for happiness are so few and far between, that when it comes along, see it for what it is and hold onto it.
0fashionqueen 0fashionqueen 8 years
And action do speak louder then words, but I think that DearSugar is right because he is sending out that message that he does not want to be in a relationship. However, this is starting to sound like a beginning of a relationship. So, stick with it.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
if a guy runs when you say "we need to talk" let him go. how do you think people get married? they talk about what they want out of life, their goals, future plans. don't waste your time on a guy who doesn't want to talk. what kind of crazy logic is it to have a relationship by avoiding conversation? i never heard if such a thing.
Thank you!
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
i have to agree that by him making the effort to spend so much time with you shows that maybe he just thinks that he doesn't want to be in a relationship but that he truly does. i think that it could just be the label that he's afraid of, but if you know that he's not dating anyone else, then i think that you should just let things play out and see how it goes. sometimes that's the way that the best relationships develop and grow- when you're not looking for something to happen and it just does.
winniecooper winniecooper 8 years
Please keep meeting and dating other guys. If his options are open, yours should be too.
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
if a guy runs when you say "we need to talk" let him go. how do you think people get married? they talk about what they want out of life, their goals, future plans. don't waste your time on a guy who doesn't want to talk. what kind of crazy logic is it to have a relationship by avoiding conversation? i never heard if such a thing.
stumbler02 stumbler02 8 years
What's the point of being with a guy when you're so afraid he's going to run that you can't sit down and talk to him about your feelings?
Deidre Deidre 8 years
You have to think about what it is that you want, and what are your dealbreakers. Are you ok with dating (and possibly sleeping with) this guy without a committment? If you can truly say yes to that, then keep at it (and make sure you always use a condom). Or do you want to be in a committed relationship? If that's the case, you might need to back away from this guy. Honestly, any guy who says that he's not willing to be in a relationship means it when he says it. Can he reserve the right to change his mind (which apparently happened to cravinsugar)? Sure. But are you willing to wait around until he does?
bluebellknoll bluebellknoll 8 years
I agree with Karlotta too. The worst thing a girl can say to a guy is, 'We need to talk". He's going to run to the hills.
cravinsugar cravinsugar 8 years
FYI, my "dont' want a committment" boyfriend and i started dating, not having sex, just dating, and after a month when we seemed to be very close I simly asked "what are we?" and we would answer something silly, like "we're seeing each other". then when i felt like we had gotten even closer i asked him what are we, and he said "we're not seeing anyone else" or something similar, and the next time i asked he answered to the effect of we were dating and committed. That's when I allowed him to see how i felt about things. that's when we took our relationship further. it was a no pressure no stress talk each time, as i didn't say we need to talk, i would just ask at a random time and seem non chalant. whatevs. everyone is being so negative.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
He's investing. You're giving it up and he's investing so you'll continue to. He clearly told you that he didn't want a relationship with you.
Belle1031 Belle1031 8 years
I started off the same way with my first boyfriend and I ended up with a broken heart and lost my virginity. Give him space and time. Do treat him or let him enjoy the benefits of dating you or acting like he's your boyfriend. Treat him like every other friend and once you two ARE best friends and he can trust you enough to enter a relationship then go ahead with it. Just remember that in every great relationship there's an amazing friendship. Work on the friendship and hopefully then the love will come but DO NOT let him enjoy the benefits of a girlfriend (no sex!). ;)
Sugasuga29 Sugasuga29 8 years
Karlotta's completely right. No talk. Guys hate the talk. Any long-lasting committed relationship I've ever had just evolved--there was no "having the talk". Anytime I had the talk with a guy, it never worked out!
bluestar bluestar 8 years
I think it's best to listen to him. Just because you think you're a good match isn't going to change the fact that he doesn't want a commitment.
lickety-split lickety-split 8 years
he told you how he feels. if you don't take him at his word you are opening yourself for disappointment. this is his out; "i told you i didn't want anything serious". i would have another talk with him before continuing this situation.
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
I say LISTEN to him. He doesn't want anything serious. It is too bad that he is giving you mixed signals, but in his mind, he probably thinks it's fine because he was upfront with you. If you want a real relationship with a commitment, then don't hold your breath here. I'm sorry to say it, but this reeks of a rebound relationship to me. He gets companionship and sex, but since you are not 'serious' he can date around or sleep with other girls if he chooses to. I am not saying that this is necessarily what's happening in your case, but usually when men want to keep things casual, that means they want to keep the door open to have sex with other women and not feel guilty about it. If I were you, I would end things with him. Tell him that you deserve to be with a man who is willing and able to be commited. Then, if he realizes that he wants something more serious with you, the ball is in his court to pursue you again. But don't just let him define the terms of your relationship. You are in this relationship too, and you deserve to have your needs and desires met here too. Perhaps some time away from you will make him realize that he wants something more too. But if not, realize that there are many men out there that want the same things that you do. Good luck and I hope things work out for you. :)
Lele777 Lele777 8 years
Umm how about not trying to get into a serious situation with someone that you met "recently" and just letting things happen. They may evolve on their own. If you add pressure you will definitely scare him away. If you live your life and chill out a bit he may feel like he is missing out on the awesome person that you are and ask for more. Trust me. I've been there.
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
alltherage ... with the 'Friends' avi of Central Perk...why are you talking to me? I didn't state I was dating nor engaged...because I'm not.
Stephabbey Stephabbey 8 years
I say go ahead and have another talk. If you two were ballsy enough to have a state union convo after two weeks of knowing each other, there is no reason for u to not have another talk. You are both obviously moving in a positive direction but don't assume anything---that is the only way to get really hurt is to assume anything when it comes to men. Have a straight up talk with your hottie and see what happens.
alltherage alltherage 8 years
Mesayme, I am really glad that things worked out for you and your fiance. However, generally, if a guy says I just got out of a relationship and don't want anything serious -- well take it as gospel unless he says something different.
stumbler02 stumbler02 8 years
There's no reason you should accept this situation if what you really want is a commitment. It's great that he is making time for you and treating you right. But those things should be a given--it goes without saying that any man should do that. Just because he's doing what any man should be expected to do for a woman he is sleeping with, doesn't mean you should let your standards slide. You're obviously a catch :) So why don't you start looking for one of the many men out there who will treat you right AND commit to you? There's no reason you should have to settle for less than you deserve.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
Wow. I wouldn't go near a guy like this who had just come out of a serious relationship and is being upfront about NOT wanting to date seriously in the near future. You can't force a guy to want something that he knows he doesn't want. I tried to tell myself my ex would eventually come around to the idea of marriage but he never would and he still maintains that now as a single guy. As a rebound dater I am seeing a lot of my own patterns in his behaviour - I am upfront about not wanting a relationship, I fall into one out of habit regardless and I rush into things like meeting parents because it's what I'm /used/ to. Good luck but I do think you'll end up getting hurt here.
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