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You Asked: Am I Just Going to End Up Waiting Endlessly?

Dear Sugar,

I have worked at my current place of employment for about eight months, and from the start I have been interested in one of my co-workers. We started hanging out, and that eventually turned into a few dates. A month in I found out he had a live-in girlfriend, but he told me that the situation wasn't going well and that he still wanted to be with me. I said OK with the assumption that he was going to break up with her, which he did shortly thereafter.

We decided to start dating exclusively, but he really didn't want his ex to find out since they were still living together until the lease ended in a couple months. Within two weeks he was telling me that being a couple wasn't working for him because he was feeling too guilty. Since then he still kisses me and acts like we're together so I can't help but feel confused. It's been five months now, and I feel like I'm just waiting.

On top of all this, co-workers recently told me that he has a kid and has been divorced before, both of which I found out were true, but not from him. Is his omission of these important things a lie? I know he seems like someone I should have given up on a long time ago, but I have such strong feelings for him, and I don't know what to do.

— Confused by His Actions Ally

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Confused by His Actions Ally,

While I can understand why you're confused, the truth is that your co-worker is making his intentions with you very clear. If he wanted to be with you, he would. Instead, by allowing him to continue his more-than-friendly behavior with you, without any kind of commitment or even basic respect for your needs, he's basically having his cake and eating it too.

Without trying to establish the line between lying and not telling the truth, consider what an omission of that magnitude — having a child is a big deal! — says about this guy and his communication style. Not to mention that it begs the question, what else isn't he telling you? May I also say that it sounds like you started this relationship on a lie — you say you found out after a month of dating that he was living with his girlfriend!

Unless you're willing to wait indefinitely, it's time to confront him about his behavior. And don't let him make any excuses this time — we all have issues from previous relationships, but that doesn't give us the right to lead people on. If he's still not willing to be with you, then I think it's time to start putting your energy into letting go. Remember, you deserve a boyfriend who's just as crazy about you as you are about him.


Join The Conversation
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
Run, run run and don't look back. He is not honest and not worth the wait!!!!!!!!!! I don't understand why you are even waiting around, you must really love assholes and liars!
luv_bug1211 luv_bug1211 9 years
run, and run fast.
j2e1n9 j2e1n9 9 years
Grow a backbone. Read that he's just not that into you book. Get a different job.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years're head must be really thick...or you def. need to see an eye doctor cause it's pretty damn obvious that guy's a cheater and a liar...what's that expression about eating cake??? forget about him!
gooniette gooniette 9 years
wow, that's great advice brooklynbee. thanks for sharing!
Brooklynbee Brooklynbee 9 years
As Randy Pausch says in his "Last Lecture" book (giving advice for his daughter in the future): Just ignore everything guys SAY and look at what they DO, and that is how they really feel about you.
sofi sofi 9 years
Run... and don't look back. A little bit of self-respect would take you a long way. I hope just by writing this down you realized this is wrong and you deserve much better than this @ss.
nourche nourche 9 years
I'm sorry but I almost laughed at this're "confused" about what you should do??? you can't be serious...
sandif sandif 9 years
You give women a bad name. Ouch. That was mean. But seriously, please have some self-respect and have nothing more to do with this jerk. Please.
thorswitch thorswitch 9 years
The very first clue that this guy was bad news and completely untrustworthy in regards to relationships is when you found out after seeing him for a month that he had a live-in girlfriend. Think about it - he'd made enough of a commitment to someone to rent an apartment with them - which isn't always all that easy to get out of on the spur of the moment - and since he STILL doesn't want the "ex" to know about you, you can be pretty sure that she had no clue he was going out with you at the time. So, not only was he lying to YOU about his relationship with her, but he was lying to HER about his relationship with YOU. For me, that would have been the end of the relationship right there, because I knew one very important thing about him - he has NO PROBLEM at all lying to a woman he's supposedly got some sort of a commitment to, so there's no reason at all for me to think he wouldn't lie to **me** just as easily. The lies and excuses he's given you since then are just more evidence that the truth really doesn't matter to him, and unless you're willing to enter into a theoretically "committed" relationship knowing that the "commitment" means *absolutely nothing* to the guy at hand, there really nothing for you to stick around for.
atablackbelt atablackbelt 9 years
Hopefully this does not come off as too harsh but...women like you are the reason men like him do what they do. You are coming off as this weak woman who has no control over her own emotions, as if you have no choice but to wait around for him. I dated a guy at one point who unbeknownst to me had JUST broken up with his GF...he was in fact living with her when we started talking...I did not know that at the time. By the time we went on our first date he had moved out and he told me he and his ex had been broken up for a year...lie. Then four months later he freaks out about how serious our relationship was...and tells me he wants to keep hanging out like we do (sex) but he doesn't want to be held to "relationship standards"...I told him sorry I don't do the FWB which he got "offended" and said you are much more than that to me...I pointed out obviously I am not more than that to you since u can't say I am ur GF....actually he said it and took it back a month later....kinda like your sitch...anyways the moral of the story? IF he wanted to be with u, he would be with hesitation no fear of getting hurt no complications...he doesn't want you he wants sex...and deep down u know that.
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 9 years
what exactly are u waiting for??? come on girl do u really need this advice?? turn the page and start a new chapter. in case for some odd reason u didnt know HES USING U the end
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 9 years
Ditto to absolutely everything hotstuff said. Please open your eyes and try to be even the tiniest bit rational. You're making women everywhere look gullible, and I'm offended by it. And don't even get me started on the denying of the kid thing. If his child is that unimportant to him than he should be neutered.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
I swear that some women love martyring themselves for crappy relationships.
soccerfreak soccerfreak 9 years
How do you even know that he has broken up with his girlfriend? I dated a guy once for a little over a month and he told me he had roommates, but what he neglected to tell me was that his roommates were his girlfriend and two CHILDREN! I fell for him, and really liked him, but I became suspicious when he never let me even hang out at his place even for a few minutes. So I stopped by unexpectedly one day, that is when I found out about the GF, and kids. He swore to me that he had been broken up with her...blah blah blah. Regardless of whether or not he was telling me the truth it didn't matter....the lie of omission was enough to end the "relationship" for me. I say be glad that you found out now what a scumbag he is, and DTMFA....
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
See, women like you love to "pretend" to be soooo naive. You know damn well this man has a girlfriend that he lives with and your just his jump off. There is no way on God's Earth anyone could be so clueless. If you really believe his ex is just now his roommate then that means you stop by whenever your ready, right? Then you already know that he's a cheater and a liar but you just can't wait to have him to yourself? You cannot be so desperate. I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and say maybe she is just this naive. In that case I think this is the least of your worries and you shouldn't go out without adult supervision.
cvandoorn cvandoorn 9 years
I hate using the term "red flag" but this one has several all over him!! Come on now...what makes you think he isn't getting any from his ex? They still live in the same apartment. He was dating you, while he was still with his ex. And then the divorce and a kid thing? My goodness, if you had to hear it from somebody else...then you know this guy is a liar, and a jerk. I can't believe you are still contemplating being with him. Do you really think life with him will be perfect? It's not worth it.
chicaparati17 chicaparati17 9 years
I am with Dear here...okay tell us again why are you confused? Any "boy" (he's not a man) who would deny his own flesh and blood...need I finish? PLEASE MOVE ON!
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