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You Asked: Am I Just Going to End Up Waiting Endlessly?

Dear Sugar,

I have worked at my current place of employment for about eight months, and from the start I have been interested in one of my co-workers. We started hanging out, and that eventually turned into a few dates. A month in I found out he had a live-in girlfriend, but he told me that the situation wasn't going well and that he still wanted to be with me. I said OK with the assumption that he was going to break up with her, which he did shortly thereafter.

We decided to start dating exclusively, but he really didn't want his ex to find out since they were still living together until the lease ended in a couple months. Within two weeks he was telling me that being a couple wasn't working for him because he was feeling too guilty. Since then he still kisses me and acts like we're together so I can't help but feel confused. It's been five months now, and I feel like I'm just waiting.

On top of all this, co-workers recently told me that he has a kid and has been divorced before, both of which I found out were true, but not from him. Is his omission of these important things a lie? I know he seems like someone I should have given up on a long time ago, but I have such strong feelings for him, and I don't know what to do.

— Confused by His Actions Ally

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Confused by His Actions Ally,

While I can understand why you're confused, the truth is that your co-worker is making his intentions with you very clear. If he wanted to be with you, he would. Instead, by allowing him to continue his more-than-friendly behavior with you, without any kind of commitment or even basic respect for your needs, he's basically having his cake and eating it too.

Without trying to establish the line between lying and not telling the truth, consider what an omission of that magnitude — having a child is a big deal! — says about this guy and his communication style. Not to mention that it begs the question, what else isn't he telling you? May I also say that it sounds like you started this relationship on a lie — you say you found out after a month of dating that he was living with his girlfriend!

Unless you're willing to wait indefinitely, it's time to confront him about his behavior. And don't let him make any excuses this time — we all have issues from previous relationships, but that doesn't give us the right to lead people on. If he's still not willing to be with you, then I think it's time to start putting your energy into letting go. Remember, you deserve a boyfriend who's just as crazy about you as you are about him.


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