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You Asked: Am I Just Insecure?

DearSugar --

I am 33 years old and my boyfriend is 25. He's a very good young man but for some reason I can't seem to trust him. I feel as if he's hiding stuff from me. When we go out together it's always a disaster because he's looking at other women. Not just looking but loookking! He says it's nothing but I feel so funny. I love him but sometimes I feel I should let him go. Maybe there's no future because he's so young.

All his friends have 8- to 10-year relationships. When he broke up with his first love he was very hurt. And after 4years when I came along I had to tell him it was inappropriate to talk to her anymore. He stopped for a while, but when we had arguments, I think he started to talk to her again. Keep in mind she's married with 2 kids.

Even so, I have no proof of all the things I'm saying. But I just can't trust him. He says the strangest things to me about sleeping with younger women when I get old and it hurts, but he thinks it's funny. Should I get out while it's early? It's only 1 year so far. Help! ~ Uneasy Evelyn

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Uneasy Evelyn --

I don't know which came first, your insecurity or your boyfriend's behavior, and I'm not sure it matters in this case. From what you've described, one couldn't help but feel unsure and uncomfortable about this relationship, as he seems to have no idea what's appropriate or loving. Staring at other women is not alright. Talking about other women in sexual ways is not alright. You can't trust him because his behavior suggests he has very little regard for how you feel, which means there's no way to know what he will or won't do.

I'm very, very glad you're asking these questions, Evelyn. I wish I could say it's his age that limits your future with him, but I fear it's his attitude that's the problem. A healthy relationship is one in which there is mutual physical and emotional safety, honesty, enjoyment, respect and acceptance.

I encourage you to think long and hard about what you want in a man, what his qualities and virtues should be. Decide for yourself what is and isn't acceptable to you, and make those things clear to anyone you become involved with. Ask yourself how you want to be loved, and be true to how you answer that question, Evelyn. There is someone out there who will be good to you, someone you can trust; please don't settle for anything else.


Join The Conversation
japokie japokie 10 years
What type of relationship were you previously in? Say for example if you were in a possessive relationship before.. it might be hard to let go when your boyfriend needs some "me" time. Or if you were cheated on it may be to soon to trust again. Either way I feel if this is the case it is still best to let him go and figure out what you want out of life. It seems like you are trying to make it work and holding on for a long-term relationship and maybe he is just happy by dating.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
I also agree with ChiTownEm, my boyfriend is 4 years younger than me and wouldn't DREAM of even joking about being with another woman. He doesn't look at them, flirt with them, talk about them...and I've been dating him since he was only 19 and I was 23 (we've been together 4 years). This guy is seriously disrepectful to you and it probably has something to do with some weird insecurities he has. You can do better, ditch this guy and hold out for someone who actually deserves you.
andaman andaman 10 years
Yeah get out of the relationship. Age has nothing to do with anything but i think he's making you feel uncomfortable and something smells kind of fishy.
herbiefrog herbiefrog 10 years
you do realise... who wrote your comments... ? : ) so reverse them... ...and read them back ooo what fun : )
SU3 SU3 10 years
get out of it. If you can't trust him now, you won't be able to trust him later on. It sounds like he needs a lot more growing up to do! I think the best thing to do is to be true to yourself and know that you deserve sooo much more! Good Luck! :)
CGW CGW 10 years
If its been a year and you still can't trust him, then you need to let it go. You are never going to be able to trust him unless he changes, and chances are he's not going to do that. It sucks, but sometimes things just aren't meant to be.
Iwannagetmarried Iwannagetmarried 10 years
I agree with Chitown-age is completely irrelevant in this case. It's not like he's 18 and new to relationships. He is a 25 year old man and should know it is not appropriate to stare down other women, ESPECIALLY right in front of you! I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years, and although he is not younger than me (he is 24, I am 23), he still has enough respect and love for me to never do that. And the fact that he makes comments about sleeping around with other women is disgusting...if I were you, I would seriously think long and hard about if this is someone you want to stay with for the long haul, because it doesn't sound like he is going to change anytime soon.
yiddidea yiddidea 10 years
Gotta agree 100% with what everyone has said above. If he really loved you he would never hurt you intentionally. He is doing exactly that by the things he says and the things he does. Find someone who will treat you right. Trust me...I've been there.
ChiTownEm ChiTownEm 10 years
So, I am engaged to a younger man and I can tell you that his age has nothing to do with it. Good men know how to treat women well regardless of age. My guy is 2 years younger than yours and would never dream of hurting me like that. Trust your gut, move on and find a guy(any age) that knows how to treat you. Good luck!
Toronado Toronado 10 years
Remember...despite what he may tell you...people ALWAYS look for a reason. There's no "just because" about it. There's no "it's just a guy thing" about it. That's all complete horseshit. It's time to find someone new. He should be focusing 100% of his attention on the wonderful girl he's already got, not letting his eyes wander and his mind run away with him. You deserve better.
herbiefrog herbiefrog 10 years
once you get the full gift... wont be such an issue spread the v limited gene pool luck babes : ) africa starving thirsty homeless etc.... : )
nicachica nicachica 10 years
Dear, you should pull up the post about trusting your instincts because this is a perfect example of when to go with them. Uneasy Evelyn, you know you gotta trust your gut and find someone who will respect you and not act so immature. It's just a matter of pulling off the bandaid... Good luck!
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