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You Asked: Am I Just Using Him?

Dear Sugar--

I met a nice guy. He's sweet, attentive, reliable, funny, intelligent etc. We've recently started being physical in the relationship. My issue is with that I'm worried that I'm just enjoying the physical part of the relationship and not the emotional connection. Three years ago, I met a nice guy and we were also physical early into our relationship, but that was the only thing doing it for me with him, and I didn't really feel him as a long term perspective man in my life. I
stayed in the relationship, enjoying the physical part of it and even thought that I loved him. But six months later, I ended up hurting him by breaking up with him.

I didn't feel any pain after the break up as I knew that there was nothing else in the relationship for me other than sex. I feel like I used him. Now I want to make sure that I'm not doing the same thing with this new guy cause I really do like him and care about him. I keep thinking that maybe I should stop being physical with him to break my pattern. I know that I'm not using him in the same way I used my ex, but I sometimes think about it and worry that I will.

Should I tell him that we should stop the physical until I'm sure about how I feel and tell him about what happened in the past? I don't want to rattle our relationship since it is progressing well at the moment. --Feeling Guilty Fiona

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Feeling Guilty Fiona ---

In relationships, it is important to have both the physical and emotional connection with your partner, which it sounds like you have with the man you are currently dating, so are you sure you aren't being too critical of yourself? Before your ex, did you have other relationships that were purely physical as well? While it is perfectly acceptable to have some relationships that are considered mere flings, (as long as your are safe), you're right, it isn't a good pattern to get accustomed to.

Relationships are built on trust and honesty, so if you are worried about falling back into an old bad habit, talk to your boyfriend and tell him your concerns. Maybe taking a few steps back will help you work on your relationship with your heart rather than your libido.

Have you ever thought about talking to someone about your tendency to push the sexual aspect of your relationship harder than the emotional? Are you trying to avoid getting close to someone or have you had a bad sexual experience in your past? Being able to fully trust and commit yourself won't happen overnight, so take baby steps to open yourself up emotionally, and who knows, you might surprise yourself. Good luck!


Join The Conversation
KrisSugar KrisSugar 10 years
I don't think you are doing anything wrong, as long as you are being straight with him. As long as you've made it clear to him what you want, that's all you can really do. If he accepts it, he accepts it. But the advice to maybe take the physical part a little slower is never bad. Spend some time with him just doing fun things and then you'll know better how seriously you feel about him. But don't beat yourself up for having feelings for someone but not being sure what they are. As long as you're honest with him you're in a good place.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
Sounds like a good thing. Don't ruin it with too much analysis.
hills hills 10 years
i dont think u should tell ur man about the past and the 'using' because guys can be reali sensitive. i think that everyone has a point in the relashionship where they think where is this going, and this could be your time. mayb ur not ready for a full on relashionship atm and could just have some fun. you could still be friends with him but if your not ready your not ready, and u dont want to hurt him by stringing him along so perhaps u could just talk to him and see how he feels and then make up your mind. Good luck
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 10 years
I agree with dear sugar. You state already that you really care about this guy, so it doesn't look like it is all physical. However, if you do feel like the physical part is eclipsing the emotional growth, then maybe there is something to that. Your gut is key. Maybe spend more time outdoor with him to get to know him better without cutting the sex all out? You can always tell him that you just want to make sure that you grow together emotionally as well. if he likes you he will understand. You have later to just stay in the apartment and be like rabbits.
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