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You Asked: Am I Just Young or Dumb?

Dear Sugar--

I've been seeing a new man now for just over a year and a half, and he is starting to be different. He is 14 years my senior (I'm 20), and we have lived VERY different lives. He is used to dating strippers, and models-not my physique at all. (I’m 5’5” 140lbs -very athletic/muscular build) When we first started getting to know each other, I was dating someone else and we went out as friends. My ex was very mean to me and cut me down every chance he got. One night I had enough (after he publicly humiliated me in front of all our friends) and I broke it off. Soon after I started dating this guy.

He told me everything hook line and sinker that I wanted to hear-telling me that I was beautiful, my body is fine/hot, that I didn't need a guy like my ex in my life and that I could do so much better. Now, this far into our relationship, he’s telling me that he's not all that attracted to me anymore, but that he loves me and wants to work on it. It's gotten to the point that he is giving me ultimatums (lose 20 lbs or it's over between us). He only tells me this after being to a strip club, or running into an ex. On the flip side, if he isn’t telling me that I'm unattractive or fat, he is telling me how much he wants me to be his wife, and have a family with me. I have had only one seriously relationship before him, so I don't know if I'm just young and dumb and wanting so badly to be in “love”, or is this normal behavior? --Confused Caroline

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Confused Caroline--

You're not dumb at all Caroline, but I have to be honest here, I think you're doing yourself a huge disservice by staying in a relationship with this man. First off, why is he hanging out at strip clubs and seeing his ex-girlfriends all the time, especially without you? Has anything changed that is making him all of a sudden treat you this way? I happen to feel his ultimatum is absolutely unacceptable -- nobody should be commenting negatively about your weight, especially someone who loves and cares about you. If this man wants to be your future husband, he needs to let go of his controlling and manipulative behavior.

Since you have only been in one other relationship before, I can see how you wouldn't realize this is a borderline abusive relationship. You deserve to be with someone that worships you for the person you are -- the person he fell in love with a year and a half ago. While I am sure you care deeply for this man, you need to care more about yourself right now.

Have you tried talking to him about how his words are making you feel? Perhaps you can suggest couples counseling? If nothing changes, I wouldn't wait too long before cutting the cord before you waste any more time on a man who clearly doesn't deserve you. Good luck.

Source

Join The Conversation
Sofiababy Sofiababy 10 years
honey!! no!! you're about my age (I'm 19) and about my size ( I'm 5'6.5 and 132) and if ANYONE-- my friends, my family, and oh lord especially my boyfriend-- told me to lose 20 pounds (that is a ridiculous amount to ask for at your size) i would be suggesting conseling. first off, no one has the right to ask you that, unless its your doctor and you are obese. period. he is advocating an eating disorder, and you WILL develop one if you let him poison your mentality any longer. DUMP HIM, asap. remember dont get MAD, get GORGEOUS. best break up advice i ever heard.
tinyspark tinyspark 10 years
Dump his ass already!
nessabum nessabum 10 years
get rid of this asshole. you don't deserve to be with someone who is putting you down. because i'm sure you are great person. and you need to appreciated for that.
hexidecimalhack hexidecimalhack 10 years
Omigoodness, honey, just ditch him. I'm sure a lot of people have been through that type of thing (you love him no matter what), but it seems to me that if you leave him, he will already have someone lined up to date. It sounds also like maybe he is trying to passive-aggressively keep you around; threatening to leave you, and then saying he wants to marry you. It's to scare you, and you don't need it. Besides, if he's with you, what is he doing going to a strip club anyway? If mine did that to me, it would be over really-quick.
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 10 years
Not to be mean, but to answer your question ("young or dumb") -- dumb. It's clearly not worth your time and effort and you can see that, even without our responses. He's giving you ultimatums like "lose 20 lbs or it's over" but really you should be the one making him choose between strip clubs and you. Either he doesn't realize how he's making you feel or he does and he's just a jerk about it. I know you want to be in love and it's hard to wait... but the right guy is worth it. Don't put yourself through this, hoping he'll turn into a wonderful man who worships you and your relationship together. If he can't do it now, there's not a good chance he can do it in the future just because you've invested time into the relationship. Your other question --- is this normal? Yes... for girls who don't know their own value. You're worth more than this. If he's not going to give it to you, find someone who will. Good luck.
starla619619 starla619619 10 years
my dear sweetheart i'm going to tell you to buy the book "he's just not that into you" by greg behrendt. best book ever and he'll tell you he;s just not that into you if he's giving you ultimatums!!!! f*** him girl!!! you are too good for him and the last loser that you went out with. i know that you must be a little nervous about being alone but being alone is better than being in a verbally abusive relationship. you don't need someone messing with your head, because already now you're trying to convince yourself that you are young and dumb and while you may be young in age i hope that you are smarter than to stay with someone that treats you any less than you deserve. it's not going to be easy but it should he doesn't care about you if he's giving you ultimatums, just please know that there is someone out there that will love you for you 300 poundds of 3 pounds and that's what you need to look for. i'm only an inch taller than you but i weigh the same if not a little more and i have a loving man in my life because i wouldn't let the other losers that told me to lose weight, stay around long enough. love yourself first then you'll find someone that will love you the same. good luck and i'm here to listen or give advice if you need more xoxoxoxo Summer
juliemyjewel juliemyjewel 10 years
Any man who hangs out in strip clubs does not deserve, or really want, a girlfriend. Strippers are basically prostitues. They and the men who hang out there are low lifes. RUN RUN RUN! You deserve better.
demonkitty18 demonkitty18 10 years
omg PLEASE DUMP HIM! even if u have put on weight or whatever, nobody should be allowed to disrespect you like this- if he really loved you, he would love you for the wonderful person that u r, not how much you weigh. what an a*shole. Quit wastin your precious time on him and give the good guys out there a chance with u :)
junebrug junebrug 10 years
Oh, and if you do want to change, find people who support you and tell you that you can do and be anything you want, not people who constantly put you down.
junebrug junebrug 10 years
I feel such empathy for you because I completely understand. You're being emotionally abused and you have been for so long, you don't recognize it. I dated someone like that and every single conversation we had, eventually deteriorated into what I needed to change about myself to make him happy. He had more legitimate complaints than your guy (though weight was one of them), such as smoking. But no one is going to improve while they're being run down all the time. I would get rid of him ASAP and get a therapist so you don't keep finding the same guy with a different name over and over and over again.
Miami-Gal Miami-Gal 10 years
Masqueraded Angel...she is dead on. Get out NOW. Do not pass GO. Honey, I can tell you from experience I wasted 6 years on someone 17 years older than me. SAME SHIT. Fireman, into strippers, put me down. I can't tell you what I went through. THANK GOD you only spent a year and half with him. Learn from my mistake and bail.
angelbaby2 angelbaby2 10 years
get rid of about 200 pounds-he is a jerk.
angelbaby2 angelbaby2 10 years
yea-lose weight-him!
tati33 tati33 10 years
I agree with Dear on this one. Get out of this relationship ASAP. He definitely is screwing with your mind. He needs to figure out what he wants in a mate but shaping to you into what he desires is not the key here. You deserve better definitely believe it!
gossipqueen gossipqueen 10 years
JESUS CHRIST!!!! WOW...dear, get out of that relationship ASAP! He's abusing you mentally...break it off and get some counselling...you need to work on your self-esteem so that you don't think a jackass like this or your ex are "normal" dating material!!
sugarbecky sugarbecky 10 years
Kick him to the curb as soon as possible! You can do so much better.
Muirnea Muirnea 10 years
I agree with everyone. If this guy really loved and cared about you he would not say you needed to lose weight (especially not ultimatums!!!!) and he would definetely not be going to strip clubs and to see ex girlfriends!!! It sounds like he is telling you he wants you to be his wife and have a family with you because he knows that is what you want to hear. He is just saying that so he can keep you around and use you. Get rid of him as soon as possible, there are lots of much better guys out there!!!!!!! Good luck!!! :-)
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 10 years
Girl...get out of this relationship NOW. I didn't even read the whole thing...didn't need to. Quite frankly, you've gotten a hold of a pimp here. And I think we all know what pimps do. First it'll be, "Lose 20 lbs." and then it will be "Dress sexy all the time" and who knows what else. Get out now.
auddie auddie 10 years
This isn't borderline abusive, it is emotionally abusive behavior. It will just escalate from here. Time to move on, this guy is not worth it at all. You know how this guy told you that you could do better than your ex? Well, you can do a lot better than this guy too!
cubadog cubadog 10 years
Time to move on, he clearly hasn't grown up and doesn't know how to have a relationship.
MiyabiNa MiyabiNa 10 years
if he's telling you that, then he's just like your ex~ cutting you down every chance he gets! It's wearing away your self confidence obviously since you're so confused. That's not healthy and you're a young beautiful woman who probably could walk in ANY bar and get the attention of all the guys there. I say drop him- he can't be so great looking that YOU should need to change. His personality is already ugly by comparing you to other women. Sounds like he's on a powertrip and that all that stuff he said to convince you that leaving your ex was good, is bs since he's going back on what he said. You can do so much better! You deserve better!
redmed redmed 10 years
It sounds like he is really insecure if he only dates models and strippers... like he needs to have hot people around him to make others think he is important. I knew a guy that was like that, and he was never happy. Those kind of people can't have good relationships. It is always about putting on appearances. Get out of this one! A person should love you for who you are, not what you look like. I am betting even if you lost 30 pounds he would still be at strip clubs and talking to ex-girlfriends, because HE needs the attention and reassurance from super attractive people. If he's 34 and hasn't figured out that it is unconditional love, personality and common interest that make couples work, then he is going to have a lonely life!
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 10 years
If you were 5'5 and 200 pounds - them maybe he has the right to say 'honey you need to lose some weight." But where you are right now is perfectly healthy. Your guy should love you for what you are now - not change his mind then he see's a thin stripper or ex girlfriend. This sounds like a yo-yo relationship and your the one bouncing up and down. This doesn't sound healthy sweetie. For a man of his age, he should know what he wants - not try to mold you into what he wants. Good Luck!
cravinsugar cravinsugar 10 years
Good luck. It will be hard to do what you know in your heart you need to do. Be strong, do it, and you will be happy
LaLaLaurie06 LaLaLaurie06 10 years
This relationship is definitely not healthy. If he really loved you, he wouldn't ask you to lose weight nor would he be frequenting strip clubs. He'd come to you instead.
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