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You Asked: Am I Not Making Myself Available?

Dear Sugar,
I have never been a real commitment person. I have had a couple flings in the past year but nothing serious. I'm ready to open up to a more serious relationship and am actively looking, but I haven't found anything worthwhile so far. I have been told, repeatedly, that I am constantly putting up "single signals," which apparently keep others from approaching me. What are these and how can I stop them? — Playing the Field Phoebe

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Playing the Field Phoebe,

While there are definitely subconscious signs we all give off to others, most of them are simply part of our personalities. When your friends say single signals, I'm assuming that they're saying you're confident, perhaps flirty and outgoing — all of which are great qualities to posses. And just because you haven't met anyone worthwhile yet, it's not to say that your personality traits are to blame.

Being approachable is extremely important when meeting new people, so make sure you're aware of the vibe you're giving off. Try to keep a smile on your face and just have fun — no one wants to approach a Debbie Downer. But when the time is right Phoebe, you'll meet someone that sparks your interest, regardless of your signals!


Join The Conversation
Autumns_Elegy Autumns_Elegy 8 years
Bah, everytime I go out I get hit on, even though I'm in a serious relationship and am wearing a promise ring. Perhaps it's the "you can't have me, go away" vibe that I tend to send out?
pixelhaze pixelhaze 8 years
I took "single signals" to mean more like "I desperately want a boyfriend!" Maybe don't be so available?
Poster-of-a-Girl Poster-of-a-Girl 8 years
You know, from someone who is in the same boat, I must say besides the smiling, eye contact is important. I think dudes won't approach unless you have made eye contact and I'm *horrible* at that, I always look away cuz I'm shy, when you're supposedly supposed to keep eye contact and smile. This also implies being aware of people around you and keeping your eyes open, not just on your friends
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
i think that you need to remember that you've already taken the right first steps. you know that you haven't been a relationship person in the past, and now that you're ready to do it, so you're making yourself available. trust me, in some instances you'll have to date a lot of wrong people, and wait a while to find the right guy, but you WILL. just have faith that being flirty and open and outgoing and dressing nicely will bring the right man your way.
kristyy kristyy 8 years
Maybe the "single signals" they are referring to is your attitude (put in a nicer way). The "I don't care what you think" or "Don't bother" me kind of signals. If you smile and make yourself appear friendly and approachable, whether you are really single or not is not the point. The point is that the guys don't want to approach someone that they feel would be a waste of time or who will shoot them down.
nicklegoat nicklegoat 8 years
Just be comfy on ur own. take care of urself and have fun! guys love fun confident sexy women
bluesteyes bluesteyes 8 years
I must add most men who have said that aren't teenagers..they are in their thirties and forties.
bluesteyes bluesteyes 8 years
You know what? Smile is a great point. Smile at people more often, mind you some men I know love serious women. My husband finds a woman who is good at her stuff much more attractive than someone with a great body in a tight dress. There are load of men like this, in fact all men i know are like this. They love brian more than how sexy you're trying to look :) Isn't that a good news?
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
I know I have an F* Y* on my forehead drawn with a Sharpie from the last guy I 'encountered'...but it's fading everyday I hope. :) I'm never looking. I just don't care to. I'm not running, I'm jogging for my health and if he can catch me...he's worth slowing down to talk to. The bustas will drop like flies, that's what I want; I'll jog alone, that's cool too.
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