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You Asked: Am I an Overly Jealous Girlfriend?

Dear Sugar,

I'm dating an amazing guy. We've been in a serious relationship for just about a year now, but before we were fully committed to each other, we were dating other people — he more so than me. It wasn't until relatively recently that it became an issue, when I noticed that he still talks to the girl he was seeing. She still has eyes for my boyfriend and doesn't try to hide her attraction for him. I try not to be an overly jealous girlfriend, but I'm only human; I get worried sometimes.

I brought this up with him a few months back, and I asked if he would stop talking to her, but he felt that was too much for me to ask. Every time I try to bring it up, which is not often, he gets frustrated that I am so jealous and reiterates that he's not cheating and therefore it should be a nonissue that he's still friends with her. Am I just being overly jealous, or do I have a right to be upset about this relationship? — Possessive Polly

To see DearSugar's answer

.

Dear Possessive Polly,

Even if your boyfriend isn't technically cheating on you with this other woman, he needs to respect your feelings about their relationship. We all know the jury is still out on whether or not men and women can be just friends, so I think there's something to be said if you don't have a good feeling about their relationship.

I happen to think you're not being an overly jealous girlfriend, so I'd have a heart to heart with your boyfriend and try to understand why this relationship is so important to him. Perhaps he's holding onto something from his past because he's not 100 percent ready to be in a committed relationship, or maybe they are legitimately good friends — whatever it is, if he wants to carry on this friendship, he's going to have to do whatever it takes for you to feel at ease about it. At the end of the day, Polly, you're going to have to follow your womanly instincts with this one. I wish you luck.

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choose2choose2 choose2choose2 8 years
In my opinion, that is cheating. My husband understands that the moment a girl makes a move on him or confesses to liking him, he has to cut it off. It isn't fair for you or the other girl to be messing with your hearts. He is just leading her on.
MissChita MissChita 9 years
*sorry, meant to say Possessive Polly :)
MissChita MissChita 9 years
Hi Possive Polly, In my opinion, you are not at all being overly jealous. I had a similar situation to yours, where I was dating a guy for 6 months, but before that, we both had our 'pasts'. Anyway, he had JUST broke up w/ his then ex-girlfriend but they had mutual friends, so whenever he went out, she was there, and come to find out, they would still chit chat on the phone every now and again (couldve been more often than not, I'm not sure). Anyway, I brought the issue up to him, and he said I was being overly jealous and taking things out of proportion and blah blah blah. And in my heart, I feel they were still messing around. I wont even get into that right now. So after all was said and done, we ended up breaking up (partly too because he wasnt the best boyfriend) and even though he still denies cheating on me (we have talked since then - no relationship business going on though) I truly dont believe him. So on that note, if he wont respect your decision by not talking to her anymore, or at least consider it and hear you out, then I would step back from the situation and evaluate if this is what you really want or need in your life. Best of luck!!
BRANDYNICOLE730 BRANDYNICOLE730 9 years
I have a theory when it comes to cheating. The offender has no say in whether an action qualifies as cheating. Only the person who is affected by it can decide whether it is cheating or not. To me, for a guy to continue to speak with a girl he was dating in the beginning of ya'lls relationship is offensive, therefore, he needs to correct the action. Every individual's idea of cheating is different, and it can a very fine line...
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
It seems like he has her waiting in the wings to take over when you mess up. I don't like that feeling and I have told my husband that I don't think his relationship with this woman is appropriate. He gave her the wrong idea and I think this is what your man is doing too. It's not like he wants her but he doesn't want to be alone if it comes to that. Just tell him you think he's giving her the wrong idea and see if that changes their communication. You could also request that he talk to her less or let's you be in the room when they talk or you meet her or something. It hurts to be in that position but he should respect you more for speaking up.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
Good point. I think we mostly agree then. I just don't think that this is a situation that some people would accept, because it is disrespectful for a boyfriend to not even entertain a conversation about why he is hanging out with his ex who is clearly attracted to him. My point is less about what she should or shouldn't do, and more about whether or not her reaction is rational. There are times I think all of us have been like, "is this a crazy girlfriend talking, or is this a real problem?" As far as ordering her boyfriend around, I don't know that that is a great solution either, but I think it's a problem that the boyfriend isn't acknowledging her distress, because she isn't out of line to be irritated. And I have officially analyzed this situation waaay way too much!!
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
That's exactly my point, snowbunny11. You have to let people make the decisions they're going to make - anything less isn't respect. Rather than trying to modify your SO's behavior, take a look at the choices they make and what they tell you about that person. What's the point of having a boyfriend who only isn't cheating on you because you've banned the possible mistresses from his life? (That's a universal you, not a specific you.) If she trusts her boyfriend, then I say he deserves the respect of being "allowed" to make his own choices. This is not to say that I don't think you should ever express your opinion to your SO, but she's already done that.
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
So sounds to me like you two were friends with benefits who decided to give the relationship a go. Successful relationships can start in many ways but in my honest opinion you started off on the wrong foot. Both of you messed around 'he moreso than you', so now he's used to dealing with other chicks while he deals with you and he see's no reason to change. You can't trust him because of the same, you know he dealt with others while with you previously and now that your "exclusive" your nervous. The bottom line is if this is a man you can't trust then this relationship isn't going to go anywhere. Also if he can't respect you enough and ditch some chick that shouldn't mean anything to him then he's a waste of time!
emalove emalove 9 years
I think you have a right to feel uncomfortable in this situation...I would.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
comment 24: "And for the record, I didn't have to TELL my boyfriend not to hang out with her after that." I should have said in my other comments that I WOULD have asked him not to hang out with her, if he weren't disgusted enough by her himself. I'm just saying obviously people make their own decisions, but most relationships would not last if we never listened to the desires of our boyfriends or girlfriends. How likely is it that everything I always want, my boyfriend will also want and vice versa? Sometimes he goes to family parties with me solely because it makes me happy. Sometimes I go to the restaurant he chooses because it makes him happy. Yeah, we're adults and both fiercely independent, but I like making him happy and he likes making me happy. If this were me in the situation, I would not be happy, that's all. Sure, my boyfriend could choose not to make me happy, he's an adult, he could bang 10 pornstars in a night if he wanted to (I think, if that is physically possible) but that doesn't mean that just because he can choose to do what he wants that it would be good for the relationship.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
And, as it occurs to me that this might not have been clear, the last paragraph in my comment was in response to Asia84 who said that it was his responsibility to make sure she was comfortable regardless of his actual behavior.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
I do think it's unreasonable to dictate who your adult partner does and doesn't speak with. Personally, I don't think I'd stick around in a relationship with a man who couldn't decide on his own that a girl who "starts groping him every time he hangs out with her" is not a great person to hang out with. But, I'm glad you are so incredibly understanding!
cvandoorn cvandoorn 9 years
Lol, you tell her snowbunny11!
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
And for the record, I didn't have to TELL my boyfriend not to hang out with her after that.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
Are you really trying to tell me I'm being unreasonable for asking my boyfriend to not hang out with a girl who tried to get him to sleep with her? We've been dating FIVE years, and of all the girls he is friends with, this is the only one I have an issue with. I'm glad you are so incredibly understanding, but geez, if every time my boyfriend hangs out with this girl he has to leave once she starts groping him, sorry, no, I don't see the point of the friendship. Unless we want a threesome or something.
jennifer76 jennifer76 9 years
Sure, I trusted him and nothing happened, but I just don't see what the point of him being friends with her would be The point is that he's an adult and should be allowed to make his own choices. Shouldn't it be up to him to decide whether there is a point to his friendships or not...? Anyway, everyone conducts their relationships differently. I could not date a person who was so controlling as to try to dictate who I was allowed to speak to. But, other people don't feel like someone really cares about them unless they try to control them that way. So, big spectrum...everybody make your own choices. I just have to say that I could not disagree more with the idea that if something makes one person "uncomfortable" then the other person must immediately cease and desist or they're an ass. If someone is uncomfortable with perfectly reasonable behavior on my part, that's their own issue to work through. Not mine.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
If the girl doesn't know she has a boyfriend, then that would be an even larger problem. If my serious boyfriend of a year didn't let his ex-girlfriend, who flirts with him know that he had a girlfriend it would be over so quickly. The point is, this isn't some random ex, or some cute girl friend. It's an ex who is clearly attracted to the bf. I'm not saying that every girl who is attracted to my bf I ask to cut out of his life, but then again he doesn't get frustrated when I ask him about it. Seriously, there is only one girl I asked him to stop talking to, he didn't believe me when I said she was going to try to sleep with him. And she did try! Sure, I trusted him and nothing happened, but I just don't see what the point of him being friends with her would be, or what the point of this girl's bf being friends with the ex would be? At some point the, if the friendship starts to threaten the relationship, then the boyfriend (or girlfriend) needs to choose what is more important.
cvandoorn cvandoorn 9 years
Does this other girl even know your bf has you as his gf?? For all you know, he could be keeping you a secret. Hence she continues to flirt with him.
0danielle0 0danielle0 9 years
If this girl is disrespecting you, which it sounds like she is, then NO, you're not being "overly jealous." Your boyfriend should not be maintaining any kind of relationship with anyone who disrespects you, especially an ex!
LizL LizL 9 years
The same thing happened to me, except I refused to tell him not to hang out with her (maybe so I wouldn't SEEM like a jealous girlfriend) but would get VERY upset everytime they hung out (just the 2 of them). Then I had the genius idea to ask to go out with them, once. My now husband thought that was a great idea and tried to set something up. She kept putting it off, and then finally told him she thought I was trying to control him. I just wanted to hang out ONCE. Luckily he saw her for what she was, and COMPLETELY cut her out of his life. Now, I am married to him, and he hasn't spoken with her in 4 years.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
my issue is that it makes you feel uncomfortable, and he isn't doing anything about it. he has no regards to your feelings in this relationship. he's not stupid, he knows homechick is eyeballin' him. regardless if he plans on(or gives in) cheating or not, he should go out of his way to make sure that YOU are comfortable. if this was the other way around, heffas would tell you to ditch the ex/downgraded f*ck-buddy to make you relationship work.
michelleannette michelleannette 9 years
i don't think you're being overly jealous. i can see you being uncomfortable with your guy hanging out with a girl he was seeing prior to you---or someone who overlapped. you need to tell him how it makes you feel without letting him think it's a matter of cheating. i think you're being to vague about your feelings---why do you feel jealous? and have you told him? my guy and i started this way too--we both saw other people, but when we mutually decided to become exclusive we broke off all ties with the other people. i wish you luck in this. even if he still thinks it's too much for you to ask he stop seeing her----think of it this way: he picked you, not her.
cvandoorn cvandoorn 9 years
It annoys me that this guy gets frustrated every time you bring up how you feel about it. Its not like you are accusing him of anything. I don't understand why he still hangs out with her when she makes advances towards him. Does he get a kick out of it? Does he like feeling wanted by other women, when in fact, he should take into consideration your concerns? I would ask him these questions. There is nothing wrong with being friends of the opposite sex, or ex partners. As long as they don't think they don't flirt/make advances or think they can get anything out of it!! And even if the guy knows nothing will come out of it...its still unsettling to you, and he should be respectful of your feelings.
HayleyStark HayleyStark 9 years
Wow I see a lot of mixed opinions here. I think you should trust him unless he gives you a reason not to (not complying with your demands is not a reason). If they are friendly and talk occassionaly and he doesn't hide it from you, trust him. If they hang out alone and put themselves in a position that something sexual might occur (i.e. drinks), I'd worry. Finally, if he tries to keep you from meeting her or hanging out with them, that is not cool. It doesn't sound like it was a serious relationship and that he is serious with you. And, by the way, I think you have as much right to be friends with an ex that is still into you, as long as you love your bf.
vmruby vmruby 9 years
Not jealous....IMO jealousy is a huge waste of time.I think what you are being is cautious. Maybe you should ask your boyfriend if he would be alright with you talking to an ex who is still hung up on you.My guess is probably not. This is how i see it.Exes become exes for a reason.It's never good to have one lingering around when the other person has obviously moved on to someone else. He knows it bothers you, but instead it annoys him, and he refuses to stop talking to her knowing how she feels about him( huge red flag!). He either doesn't care or he has one enormous ego.Try talking to him again.If he's so amazing then it shouldn't be too hard for him to understand that he really needs to respect your feelings when it comes to her and if he can't you should show his happy a$$ the door......period.
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