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You Asked: Am I A Prude?

Dear Sugar--

I am a 21 year old college student who has never been in a relationship, had a boyfriend, slept with anyone, etc. I get approached by guys all the time who either are looking to get laid or have a girl to mess around with.

I am strongly opposed to casual hook ups and want a meaningful relationship, so I bypass their offers. The problem, DearSugar, is out of all my friends I am the only one like this. All my friends believe in casual sex and friends with benefits. It's not just them either. I go to college parties and all I see are guys acting like idiots trying to score with any girl available. Am I too old fashioned or are there people out there like me?

-- Saving Myself Mary

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Saving Myself Mary --

Well, I hate to break it to you, but that's the scene at the majority of colleges. Everyone is so excited not to have their parents dictating what they can and can't do that some people get overly excited about exploring their freedom. If you're into the party scene, it can be the greatest time of your life - but it isn't for everyone, especially if you don't like the idea of drinking, losing control and being promiscuous.

It sounds like you are extremely mature and have the utmost respect for yourself, which is awesome. Many girls can get themselves into trouble their first few years of college, ignoring the dangers of casual sex (did somebody say STIs and unwanted pregnancy?). If it seems like you're the only one who's not running around sex-crazed, you may want to associate yourself with like minded people and avoid those annoying fraternity parties where people are just trying to hook-up.

There are definitely guys out there who want to have a meaningful relationship like you, but you'll have a better chance meeting them in class, at the library, at a cafe, or even at the laundromat. Join a club, a sports team, a gym, or get a part-time job so you can expand your group of friends. Stick to your guns Mary and remain true to what makes you comfortable. There are good guys out there, so don't give up just yet!


Join The Conversation
A_Kat A_Kat 9 years
I'm just like you too!! I actually ended my friendship with those people after my first 2 years of college. Some "friends" can be toxic and its really unhealthy the way they push you into things you don't want to do. Stay true to yourself and everything will turn out okay. We are all proud of you Mary!
onesong onesong 9 years
BRAVA, LILY! And way to go Mary--stick to your guns, girly, and you'll come out all right! Good luck!
DCStar DCStar 9 years
Hi Mary, I've often considered myself "old fashioned" and in the past worried if I was a prude too. You're not! As soon as you're out of college, and away from those people you'll realize you made all the right choices for YOU. I've only ever been with one person, and he's now my husband - I'll never regret that! As a matter of fact, it makes me extremely proud of myself that I waited to be with the right person.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
You're doing great!!! I was also the one that didn't sleep around or hooked with various can still enjoy parties and not feel like a have principle and high standards and that is just great.... I waited for the right guy and it's paid off...I hated to see gfs who were "ok, with casual sex" get their hearts sex is ever EVER casual!
lilxmissxmolly lilxmissxmolly 9 years
congrats on respecting yourself and sticking to your beliefs.
posenmud posenmud 9 years
You are not a prude. You just love yourself too much to expose yourself in a way that YOU see as degrading. Don't try to be one of those girls that rub and grind and push their butts into a guys crotch. Its simulated sex and it is just not meant for other people to see. Thank you for just being normal Keep respecting yourself, it shows.
bingleybrat bingleybrat 9 years
I am SO glad to read so many encouraging posts! I don't think you are a PRUDE, I think that you are sticking to your convictions, have a huge amount of respect for your self and you are standing out from the rest of the crowd. Just wanted to say KUDOS to you for hanging in there and staying true to yourself. You'll find someone when the time is right. Wish the best for you!
jadorechaussures jadorechaussures 9 years
You aren't alone even though it feels that way. I found when I was in college that the people who were like me usually stayed in their rooms away from the party scene. Anyway, stay with what you beleive in and read UNHOOKED by LAUREN SESSIONS STEP. This book will make you realize you are making the right choice and also make you sad for all the girls/friends you know who are making the wrong ones.
McSquish McSquish 9 years
There are others like you! I am one of them. I'm 27 years old and got in my first (and perhaps last) serious relationship at 23. I waited until that age for everything. Sure, I went to parties, I drank, I had fun, but never at the cost of "giving up the goods". Thankfully, most of my friends were that way so it didn't make me feel so alien. I had a few that were partiers and when they would invite me out to parties, I just felt like an outcast because it wasn't my scene. I finally met my current boyfriend at 23 and have been with him since. It's true, we are a minority because my boyfriend had only known those crazy girls so to him, I was a true jem full of respect for myself and stuck to my beliefs. You will find someone who appreciates that and as hard as it may be . . . I think it's true that you need to associate with more like minded people. College is a great way to transition into that, it's expected. Good luck!
LolaDub LolaDub 9 years
no, hon im the same just shows that we have respect for ourselves:)
tamberly tamberly 9 years
YOU GO GIRL! im the same age as you are and i think its awesome that you aren't like "everybody." Stay true to you and what you want. When you find that meaningful relationship, i think you will so glad that you waited. good luck.
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
Don't worry-- this was me in college and there ARE nice guys out there. Unfortunately (and I'm not blaming your friends for this) you sound like you run with a wild bunch, which can be fun but hard if the guys you're around are just into partying. I agree, try getting involved in organizations where you can get to know guys outside of parties and alcohol. That's where I met my college boyfriend.
tati33 tati33 9 years
Mary!! Same here...!! Stick with your gut & don't give in to the pressure no matter what.. You'll be ready for each of those steps at your own time.. But I agree with others, you can meet others like yourself joining activities that you are interested in..
Marci Marci 9 years
Good for you for sticking to your guns and not compromising on what you're comfortable with, Always, always, always trust your own judgment in life. As lots of other people said, there are others like you and you just need to get into other social activities to meet those who are more like you. You'll never regret doing things the way your gut tells you.
mrspiven mrspiven 9 years
you are not going to regret any of this a few years down the road. the chances are good that in a while your friends will be regretting their choices (if they aren't already) and wish they would have been more like you, choosing to not spread themselves too thin, so to speak. i really applaud the way you respect yourself.
starturtle44 starturtle44 9 years
There are lots of us out there, but because it is no longer considered the norm to be that way it can feel like you are prudish. And of course people are going to point it out to you and call you uptight and such. Stay strong! Its better to be true to yourself than bend and regret it later.
pk9000 pk9000 9 years
I'm confused as to the problem. Are your friends calling you a prude and trying to pressure you into having casual sexual relationships, or are you just disapproving and judging their choices? In college, like you, I wasn't looking for the casual hook up, so I didn't get involved with certain guys. However, I had many friends who often had casual sexual relationships. It didn't matter because we were friends for different reasons and their relationship choices were not relevant to our friendship. If your friends are pressuring you, then you need to meet new people. If you're judging their choices, you need to stop worrying about other people's lives and focus on your own.
Cynnie Cynnie 9 years
Do not do something just because everyone else is doing it. That's the biggest mistake one can make. Don't feel bad because you want something that means something. More people should actually think like you lol...Don't worry when you'll be ready and when you'll know that you've found someone you can be intimate's your friends who'll actually be jealous of you hehe
rocketgirl rocketgirl 9 years
You're not the only one! That's almost an exact description of me and my friends too. If you want to wait, you should definitely stick to your guns. Good luck finding your Mr. Darcy!
lily314 lily314 9 years
Honestly, more power to Mary for sticking to her principles even though everyone else is doing something else. But, people, don't knock casual sex or friends with benefits just because they're inconsistent with your values. I went through a phase in college where I wasn't exactly promiscuous, but I definitely left my virginal high school years behind. I was smart and careful when it came to protecting myself from diseases and other negative consequences, and I never went to bars and clubs to find random hookups, but I had a lot of fun discovering myself and my sexuality. Mary isn't a prude for staying away from the college hookup scene, and it's good that she's found support here. But hopefully you aren't so quick to judge that you think EVERYONE who was part of the college hookup scene was slutty or immoral or wrong or bad. I insisted on protection, I got regular STD tests, and I didn't mess with taken men, so I couldn't have possibly hurt you in any way by exercising my rights to my body. I know many other girls who are responsible in this way. So by all means, tell Mary "Good for you" without adding "... because you're not like those other sluts."
LaLaLaurie06 LaLaLaurie06 9 years
I was like you, too. Don't change! You'll have to wait awhile for the right guy (I did) but don't give up!
Vannuccia Vannuccia 9 years
You're not a prude! You've just got standards, there's nothing wrong with that. I've always hated the whole club/bar scene.
cookiemunster cookiemunster 9 years
you are NOT a prude! I AM JUST LIKE YOU! just ignore the whole party scene and make friends with people who have similar interests to you. Why would anyone want to BE slutty out of choice. its just really sad, so be happy that you are grounded and have good morals :) :)
nessabum nessabum 9 years
i congratulate you! there aren't that many girls who've got a decent head on their shoulders anymore. you have your own values and beliefs--whatever they may be, you should stick by them because they define you and what you are. i think that by being yourself, you're putting your best foot forward in meeting other like-minded people. i'm quite like you in some ways--in that i don't believe in casual sex or friends with benefits, although, i have had sex with my boyfriend. but i think that your decisions are your own and you shouldn't feel pressured to change what you believe. then your friends aren't exactly your friends. also, your decisions will probably make you less stressed. since there's already lots of schoolwork involved, things can only get uglier if you need to worry about other things like STIs and pregnancy. and don't think that everyone is like that. it most certainly isn't true. you just aren't finding the like-minded people in the right place.
ishop2much ishop2much 9 years
I'm a good girl too, and I don't regret it at all. In HS I didn't have to worry about taking an HIV test, pregnancy test or all that other unwanted stress, like so many other girls I knew. Be proud of yourself, that you are strong in your ways....that shows a lot about your character. If you have respect for yourself others will respect you. I hope by taking the time to read all these positive comments you'll realize that more people should be like you, and you should give yourself a pat on the back for being you! You are somebody to be admired, don't ever forget that!!!!!!!!!
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