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You Asked: Am I Running in Circles?

Dear Sugar--
I met this guy 4 years ago online and we hit it off really well. 3 months in I told him that I would like to take this to the next level meaning boyfriend, girlfriend status since we constantly hung out and hooked up to which he told me that he wasn't ready for a girlfriend. Knowing this, I should have walked away then. We spend a lot of time together, spend all of the holidays together, I have even met his family and go to his family's house quite often. Even his family assumes we are together, but he has made it clear to me that we aren't.

When I asked him again about being exclusively together, he just gives the same excuse saying he really likes me but is afraid things wouldn't work out. This has been going on 4 years and I am in love with him and have invested so much of my life and myself into him, but I am getting tired of this charade. What do I do? --Sick and Tired Tanya

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Sick and Tired Tanya--

I think you already know the answer to your question. You're allowing your guy friend to have his cake and eat it too. While you are close "friends", you need to be honest with yourself and realize that you are selling yourself short here. This man sounds extremely selfish and you deserve much more.

Although you are in love with this man and want nothing more than to be together, it sounds as though he has made it very clear that he is not interested in being in a relationship. Is he dating other people? Are you? It is very easy to fall into the trap of a faux relationship when you're as involved in each other's lives as two you are, but in turn, you are closing yourself off to other opportunities out there.

As hard as it might be, you must break away from this relationship. Being friends with benefits is very risky and leaves a whole lot of room for confusion and heartache. While your friend's actions may be different than his words, I think it is clear that he isn't ready to be tied down. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
SU3 SU3 10 years
I agree with lickety. He's already said that he doesn't see your relationship going anywhere loud and CLEAR. WHY continue to put up with it? It sounds like he has no faith in your time together and he is just stringing you along. Break away from it now so you don't risk wasting any more time with this guy.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
this is more like a brick wall. make a u turn and try a different partner. he's been plain in his intentions. why won't you take him at his word?
GQ_send GQ_send 10 years
Give him an ultimatum. Give him that he either loves u back in a relationship way or your just going to back down from this friendship since u can't take it.
lemuse20 lemuse20 10 years
I'd probably tell him that I'd rather take a chance and see if it works out or not, because right now, it's not working out because he's not giving it a chance. If he still says he doesn't want to try, then I'd say adios. I guess I should just say, I agree with all the above.
calibabi calibabi 10 years
you deserve better than this guy. i agree with everyone's time to move on!
vmruby vmruby 10 years
It's 4 years later and you are still putting up with that???I mean absolutely no disrespect to you at all, I don't know you, but have you ever heard the phrase "Why buy the cow when the milk is free"? IMO he's way past the time of any more chances, chats,or anything else and he would have never gotten to the four year mark with that BS.I would have dumped his sorry a$$ years ago.Open your eyes sweetie. His excuse for not committing to you after all this time is lame and so is he. Lose that user.You deserve much better than that, so go out and find it before you lose all of yourself in him.Good Luck!
Angel_Eyes Angel_Eyes 10 years
I agree with 'controlledspin'. I would talk to him, give him one more chance to commit. If he says the same thing, then it's time to forget him and move on. Yes, I know it's hard to move on from someone that you love very much, I know, I had to do this a long time ago, but !, I can also tell you it was the best thing & best decision I ever made, and in the long run I was much happier, and I ended up meeting someone who truly loved me and truly wanted to commit to me. Everything in life happens for a reason. If this guy is not wanting to commit to you, then he's just wanting to string you along, and it's not meant to be. You don't deserve to be treated like that, you deserve someone who will love you wholeheartly, and commit to you. :)
controlledspin controlledspin 10 years
I tend to agree with Dear about breaking it off. For your own piece of mind, you may want to give him one final chance or ultimatum without telling him that it is his last chance. If he gives you the same answer, then you will know it's time to move on. That may make it easier to break it off... Good luck and hang in there if it doesn't turn out the way you want it to - that may mean that there is someone out there with all those good qualities that you love about him, but also with a lot less commitment issues, who will realize a good thing when he's got it!! :)
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
If you think you feel bad after wasting 4 years of your life on him, think of how bad you'll feel when it's 5,6,7....
kendalheart kendalheart 10 years
And I know it will be difficult however in the long run sugar is right, you are possibly missing the oppertunity to meet that "right" one.
kendalheart kendalheart 10 years
Yea he is def stringing you along giving you just some hope by doing things like taking you to his p's house and things like that. This guy is half way honest with you and that is okay with you? I wouldnt stand for that, good luck!
honey31 honey31 10 years
Forget him!HE does not want to make a commitment with you and he knows that he wants one!There is plenty fish in the sea good luck!
LaLaLaurie06 LaLaLaurie06 10 years
He's afraid it "wouldn't work out"? Uhm, well what is it doing now? Sounds to me like he's got some issues, commitment-wise or other, and you need to find someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with them. Good luck!
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