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You Asked: Am I Selling Myself Short?

Dear Sugar,

I met this great guy about a month and a half ago and we really hit it off. He told me when we first started dating that he had recently broken up with his ex who he dated for two and a half years. He opened up to me yesterday and said that he was frustrated because he wasn't sure if he was ready for another serious relationship right now. He says that he really likes me, but he thinks everything happened too fast between us. I was really upset by his decision to take a step back, but I agreed to remain in contact with him.

My problem is that I really like him, and I think he really likes me, but I'm not too sure what to do now. I know he's not ready for a relationship, but maybe if I give him time, he will be later on? I don't want to stop seeing him because he was a great friend before we started going out, but I don't want to just string myself along and end up getting hurt. I am also confused as to the status of our relationship now. Are we taking things slow, or are we just friends? If you have any insight, I'd love to hear what you have to say. — Unresolved Rebbecca

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Unresolved Rebbecca,

So you don't hold on to false hope, I suggest you talk with this guy about whether or not you have a future together. I'm glad he was honest with you about not feeling ready to jump back into another relationship, but it sounds like you're still unclear as to where you stand now, which must be incredibly confusing.

If he's unable to give you an answer, you're going to have to just feel it out. I wouldn't advise you to pass up opportunities to date other men, but if you feel that you can maintain a friendship while continuing to live your life, I say why not.

It's easy to blur the lines of love so be sure to keep the lines of communication open and hopefully your future with him will become clear one way or another. Good luck.


dikke-kus dikke-kus 8 years
Take it easy. Maybe he needs some time if you feel like giving it to him. Maybe he's being honest. Maybe he's not. Only time will tell.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
She IS the "another serious relationship".
babysoftpink babysoftpink 8 years
Sparklestar, do you know Rebbecca and the guy in question? When you stated, "He has jumped straight into ANOTHER serious relationship because that is where he feels comfortable. " Does this mean that the man in question is now in ANOTHER serious relationship, besides the one he is in with Rebbecca that you are aware of. If this is a proved FACT, I won't recommend waiting around. Just curious if you know the poster. That's all.
tnmom tnmom 8 years
You have been dating for less than two months. It is too soon for either of you to know if this will be a permanent relationship.
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
If I were you, I would not wait for him. Life is too short to wait around while some guy decides if he wants to date you. I tend to agree with mix tape, because I think if he liked you enough, then he would continue with the relationship. Maybe he does need some time to heal from his last relationship, or maybe it's just an excuse and he just is not as interested in you as you are in him. Either way, please start dating others and don't wait around for a guy who doesn't realize how great you are, it is his loss.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
He has jumped straight into another serious relationship because that is where he feels comfortable. He needs time to heal and not date. It's your decision if you want to wait for him while he does this.
babysoftpink babysoftpink 8 years
who knows what the future holds, right now no one (including him) can give you a definite answer. There are numerous scenario that can play out, why don't you just enjoy the relationship as it is and let the future take you to where you should be. If he is indeed THE ONE, it does not matter what happens or how he acts in a few months or year, if the relationship is meant to be, you will eventually be together and that is for the rest of your life (a very long time,and a few months or years is nothing compared to that time table) best of luck.
Mashiguna Mashiguna 8 years
I actually think you should go see a movie and help to formulate your answer its called... He's just Not that Into You! end of discussion. And I'm surprised I'm the first to have suggested!!!
bethinabox bethinabox 8 years
This sounds a lot like this thing I went through with a guy last year... which has painfully (for me) stretched out even further into this year, because I hadn't been able to seem to let go. Basically after he broke up with his girlfriend of over a year, he claimed to really like me a lot but he wasn't ready for a relationship, and I understood and was willing to wait for him to be ready, but that never happened. I eventually got over him for the most part, but recently I started hanging with him again and started to like him again, but I got sick of being confused by some of the stuff he had been saying, so I straight out talked to him and told him I like him, but I got shut down again, with him claiming he's still not ready for a relationship, an entire year later. Wow, sorry, this turned into a long rant. Basically - Definitely take Dear's advice and talk to him straight out. Don't let him give you any crap. Ask for the absolute truth, even if it is that he was just using the 'I'm not ready' line as an excuse to back out. I hope your guy is less of a jerk than mine was. :) good luck!
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
this really is a tricky one - to be the cynical one, sometimes guys say that they aren't ready for a relationship because they don't want to have one with you - even if they SAY that they are into you. if that's the case, then if you talk it out you'll find out. sometimes you should just also give things time and the benefit of the doubt. have a conversation with him and see where things go if you really do feel like you could invest yourself in him.
mortar31 mortar31 8 years
I can understand where he comes from. I was in a similar situation as him too. He really needs this to go slow. Obviously he likes you enough to date you and be honest with you about his situation. He probably just wants to make sure that he will not be getting hurt by entering into this new relationship. Everyone is correct in that he needs time to heal, but as mix tape said it should not matter too much if he is into you. Clear up the prospect with him and take it as slow as you can, and since you like him your actions will show him that he can trust you and he will more than likely start this relationship with you. Good luck!
Berlin Berlin 8 years
Oh yes! As someone who is fresh out of a 4 year relationship, even if it is a needed breakup, it still requires healing time. You need to allow him his time:) And it doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't ever want a relationship with you, and he may not be able to pinpoint a time when he'll be ready for that step, and you could push him away if you press it. It just depends on what you need or want right now. I know as far as I'm concerned, even if it's a guy that I want to eventually build something with, I want to be on my own for a very long time right now, and if the guy cannot accept that, then it just means that he isn't the one I should be with anyways. But if you are putting time limits or ultimatums, then I fear you will just end it before it really begins. Just enjoy your time together and build something slowly without labels and you're sure to be in a place where you want before you even realize it.
mix-tape mix-tape 8 years
I think if someone was really into you and liked you a lot, it wouldn't matter if he/she just got out of a relationship. This seems like an excuse to leave you. He probably wasn't ready, but coupled with the fact that he just isn't into you, left him with using that excuse. Move on to someone worth your time!
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
This is cut and dry. He's recently single and should be allowed to heal. Leave him be. Otherwise, you can get hurt when you start expecting him to commit to you when he clearly says that it's just not possible.
chatondeneige chatondeneige 8 years
Good advice from Dear. Why is "I should talk to him about it" the last thing women think of?
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