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You Asked: A Boyfriend Who Needs Educating?

DearSugar --

My boyfriend of 3 years says that a blow job is not considered sex and that online sex is not cheating. How can I explain the true facts of these things to him??? Please help me.
-- Reality Check Rita

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Reality-Check Rita --

I suspect your boyfriend knows what isn't appropriate this way, my dear, and ever since he was a young man, in fact. Besides, even if there weren't any rules of thumb about monogamy and fidelity, wouldn't you expect him to have his own sense of right and wrong, concern and respect for your relationship, and a personal code of conduct? You don't need to give him the facts, I fear; I think you need to state your expectations.

Part of having a healthy relationship includes sharing common ideas and values, particularly around sex, intimacy, and trust, Reality-Check Rita. This dilemma seems less about educating him and more about establishing what a committed relationship means to you. If your principles are vastly different, it usually indicates a good deal of pain and misunderstanding are on the horizon.

I know you've been together for 3 years already, but I'm very concerned about your future and your health, especially if your boyfriend believes oral sex with other people is a legitimate activity. I would guess he might be able to rationalize other behaviors, as well, and that could pose any number of dangers for you. You absolutely deserve to be with someone who shares your love, your values, and your ideas about sex and faithfulness, Rita. I hope you'll begin to think of this difference in a new way, and in a way that includes your needs.

Ladies, I would be grateful for anything you might offer around this topic.


Join The Conversation
getstinko getstinko 10 years
definitely dump this asswipe. I'm a guy and every guy knows bjs are 100% cheating, only an idiot fool would think people would fall for that. don't waste your time trying to turn a bum into a prince, eject his ass and look for a prince.
honey31 honey31 10 years
Great advice girls!I personally would dump his sorry butt if I were you he is not worth it!If he truly loved you or respect you or had morals than he would not think like this gross!
Pinkgirl88 Pinkgirl88 10 years
that would be like me saying i am going on a diet and not eating junk food, then eating two boxes of oreos but explaining that they aren't junk food- he is bending the rules to fit his wants and needs. I hate to say this but he seams untrustworthy and I would get myself checked out for any diseases that he might be carrying. Better safe that sorry and if he is cheating you don't know with who or where they have been. i am sorry to have to say that. I don't know you but already think you deserve better. If your heart is set in this relationship you need to set up clear and distinctive boundaries. If he won't abide by them you should walk. Just my opinion, good luck!!! TINA!
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
I agree with Dear and the above comments. your guy definitely knows that what he is saying isn't true! His motive for saying those things is to make himself feel better and to get away with being unfaithful. If I were you I would dump this guy ASAP and book a doctor appointment to get checked for STD's. If your guy is acting on what he says then your health could be in real danger. You deserve a lot better than this! You shouldn't have to wonder where your boyfriend is (and who he's with!) whenever he is out of your sight.
designergirl designergirl 10 years
I agree with the advice. I would just sit him down and tell him how you feel. Maybe to get the point across, ask him how he would feel if you received oral sex from another guy. I sure he would feel devasted and upset. I'm sure he really knows that these actions are cheating and would be very hurtful to you. I hope it turns out well...
southern_gal southern_gal 10 years
I have a lot of male friends and I would say approximately 30% of them would side with your boyfriend, which I disagree with completely! The guys I'm referring to have very large frat-boy mentalities and even larger egos... not to say that your boyfriend is this way or that way, but if this is something you feel strongly about (which from the sound of it you do) then I would say your best bet is to drink a glass of wine for encouragement and just tell him flat out how you feel! good luck and i really hope it works out for you!
Marci Marci 10 years
I'm with all the above comments. Oral sex is not cheating? I guess he picked that up from Bill Clinton? I wonder if someone else performed oral sex on you if he's still think it wasn't cheating. Anyone who is finding a loophole in the sexual cheating arena is more trouble and worry than they're worth.
rkdub rkdub 10 years
I agree with kendal and dear.... he is trying to rationalize, and when he doesn't have the moral compass to know what he is doing is wrong... he may be up to more than what you know.. Afterall, that is pretty ballsy for him to say oral sex is not cheating... pretty sure if my boyfriend said that to me he had better be packing his bags already!
kendalheart kendalheart 10 years
Sounds to me like a guy who wants to or has cheated and is just these things to make himself feel as if he didnt.
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