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You Asked: Can Guys and Girls be Friends?

Dear Sugar--
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 8 months. We live about 3 hours away from each other. His best friend is a girl. They've been best friends since 8th grade and dated for a little while once in high school. She goes to school in Alabama so he hasn't seen her in a few years. She recently came back home because she broke up with her fiance.

My boyfriend has been spending a lot of one on one time with her since she has been back since most of her friends are still living in Alabama. She knows about me, but we've never met. While I trust him completely, I don't trust her. I have told my boyfriend that I'm not comfortable with him hanging out with her all the time he completely understands and reassured me I have nothing to worry about, but I know how women can be. If she wants him she's going to try until she gets it. I feel like a bitch for asking him not to see her again without me because she's been his best friend for so long and she is going through a hard time, but I just have a bad feeling about this girl. --Powerless Paula

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Powerless Paula--

I don't blame you for being irritated about your boyfriend spending time with his ex, but since you aren't there to watch over his every move, you're going to have to trust him when he tells you there is nothing to worry about. A woman's intuition can be very telling, but something makes me think there is more to the story. Do you have a history of distrusting women? Has a boyfriend cheated on you in the past or have you been unfaithful in a relationship before?

Fortunately your boyfriend is being honest with you about the time they spend together, so it sounds to me like he is simply trying to be there for a good friend since it sounds like she has no one else. Since they have known each other so long, perhaps reaching out and getting to know her could help with your anxiety about them spending time together in the future. Since you have already voiced your concerns, hopefully your boyfriend will back off and respect your feelings. Try not to get too wrapped up in the details but be sure to keep the lines of communication open so you don't feel left out. Good luck, I'm sure you have nothing to worry about.


Join The Conversation
amandasunly amandasunly 10 years
Oh well, andaman, maybe I'm young and naive. I don't know how my best friend's future girlfriends will want to deal with me. But if any future boyfriends of mine have best girl friends, I'd just ask to meet them. There's a lot you can tell by meeting a person. If you really think that she's going to come onto your bf - sorry to be blunt - remember that it's keep your friends close but your enemies closer.
andaman andaman 10 years
Or sometimes it is the girl who wants something extra DIGH :) My husband's old girlfriend wanted something very very extra but he soon stopped hanging out with her. It was a long long time ago. She hasn't had a closed male friend since. I am very cynical when it comes to this best friend with a guy thing. I've seen so many girls ended up falling for their best friends. The results weren't pretty. I, however, have not seen a guy falling for his best girlfriend yet. Perhaps men can handle it better than us.
DIGh DIGh 10 years
I think it's possible for women to be close friends with a guy....but guys always want something extra.
hollywoodholiday hollywoodholiday 10 years
though you probably don't have anything to worry about, the right thing to do would be for your boyfriend to make the boundries of that relationship crystal clear and for his friend to respect your relationship with him by not allowing the two of them to end up in a compromising situation. even though they were friends before, both should still respect the fact that you and your guy are in a relationship and the kind of personal time he has with you should not be exceeded by the time he spends with her. i see nothing wrong with gently but confidently suggesting some fair ground rules about how much time and exactly where the alone time is taking place. if the shoe were on the other foot this is something i would do out of respect for my significant other, even if this guy had been my best friend my entire life. "Love is something more stern and splendid than mere kindness." --The Problem of Pain
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
you've never even laid eyes on her, how could you possibly have a bad feeling about HER???? if you doubt your bf, that's something else. seriously, he's told you they are friends and she just left her future husband i doubt she wants to bounce into anything else so soon. relax and let time and circumstances take you where they will. if he cheats then you know he isn;t the one for you. if he doesn;t thatn you know you can trust him when he says "we're just friends".
Marci Marci 10 years
My boyfriend is still friendly with many of his ex girlfriends. As a result, I've gained some new girlfriends in the process. I'm also friendly with some of my old boyfriends. So it can be done. But don't make him choose between you or her. Remember that on Friends with Ross, Emily and Rachel? :)
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
Kendalhearts advise is right on track with what I'm thinking: You have to trust your guy, and you NEED to meet this girl! I think it's totally possible to be just friends with a guy, most of my good friends in life have been guys & my boyfriend and I have several mutual guy friends.
PrissyLilBadAss PrissyLilBadAss 10 years
My best friend and former roommate is a guy. I'd say about 99% of the girls he's dated were not comfortable with the fact that not only was his best friend a girl, but that he lived with her. However, he'd make sure that they'd come buy and meet me. This way they could see how he and I interact together and then they could witness first hand that he might as well be my brother, and I, his little sister! He started to take on the attitude that if they couldn't handle that his best friend is a girl, then they weren't worth dating because he didn't need someone that insecure in his life. We both really value each other's opinions of who we're dating, so if your man's best friend is a girl and she approves of you take that as a great sign! Get to know her! "Party like a rock star, pound like a porn star, play like an all star!"
andaman andaman 10 years
I think it sounds dodgy! Sorry to disappoint you illogicaldee but I think girls and guys can be really good friends but not best friend. I just don't think you can unless you are both married and your partners are your good friend too. I would definately meet his chick and suss her out for myself. I have on idea is she is feeling a little lonely?
amandasunly amandasunly 10 years
I think perhaps you should try meeting her? Maybe you could find some common ground... like making fun of your boyfriend! Guys and girls can so be best friends. One of my best friends is a guy and he thinks that girls make way better friends than guys. :) (And he's not gay! He's just... removed from the normal guy world - he doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't club - just wants to become an animator :D)
Fancy04 Fancy04 10 years
Sure they can. All of my Husband's friends are my friends too.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
that's silliness. all my male friends are either married or have girlfriends and there's nothing disrespectful about hanging out with them. if you meet her, be nice, she's going through a rough time and would probably appreciate some girltalk, i bet. :)
fab4 fab4 10 years
I am going through something very similar to this. If you trust your bf, you have nothing to worry about. It takes 2 to tango, and if he is a good guy, nothing will happen with this girl. I agree with everyone about meeting her, though. You two may become friends yourselves. I do, however, think its disrespectful of HER to want to hang out with him so much when he has a serious girlfriend.
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
as attractive as jealousy is, i'd calm down. if he's never given you a reason to not trust him, then trust him! if you've never met this chick, then how can you have a bad feeling about her? i bet if you met her, you'd end up liking each other, i mean, he probably doesn't have bad taste in friends. :)
Eternity Eternity 10 years
He has been dating you for 8 months...aren't YOU his best friend? The fact that he is being open about what he is doing is a good sign, however why hasn't he invited you to meet her? Sometimes people like to segregate as a way of keeping secrets...what kinds of things would this girl tell you if you met her? You live hours apart...while I don't think this will completely destroy your relationship, it is already causing a complex that will have fallout later (think of it as a weapon you will use later in a fight, a point you will make if you ever break up etc). I recommend telling him how much it would mean to you to meet this person that is so close to him, if that is what will put your mind at ease. I have been on the opposite end of this situation and in the end I just let my fiance and 'best friend' hang out together. Both of them stopped being paranoid about what a jerk the other might be.
Deba Deba 10 years
You said that you havent met this girl... Arent you jumping on conlusions about her? I would suggest to meet her first...
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 10 years
I agree with feeling uncomfortable but they were friends long before you came into the picture. You're gonna have to find a way to trust your boyfriend otherwise you shouldn't be toguether. You'll just drive yourself crazy thinking about what could be going on when you're not there.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
They dated in high school? If that is the case, I truly think they are just friends. I think it's easier for guys and girls to develop a friendship after they've dated and there is no longer any sexual tension. I'd trust your boyfriend, and I'd also try to go out for a visit and meet her too, so you can feel more comfortable.
kendalheart kendalheart 10 years
I dont think it is Okay for you to ask him not to see her, that is a loosing battle. However, I do think that she needs to meet you and you meet her so that there can be some "rules" established. I dont mean verbal rules but those unspoken rules when she meets you. If you are both so important in his life, then he needs to make that a point to introduce you. Good luck and remember this person is important in your life and although you do not trust her, trust him if he makes the effort!
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