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You Asked: Can He Be Trusted?

DearSugar --

I have been dating this guy for a year now. He has been married twice and is 31 years old; I have been married once and I am 26. With that said, I really think I have found my soul mate. He is everything I ever wanted in a man and there is only one catch; I found out recently that my man cheated on me when we first got together.

He admitted it, and explained that he felt we could see other people when we first got together. I, however, didn't think the same thing so I broke up with him. I was so unsure if I could trust him that I had my friend pretend she was interested in him to see if he would cheat again. Unfortunately, he did agree to hook up with my friend until she told him what she was doing.

When I confronted him, he said he figured he had lost me forever so he was trying to move on with his life. Some of his explanations I understand, but I just don't know if I can ever trust him again. What should I do? -- Betrayed Becky

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Betrayed Becky --

I know you have strong feelings for this man, but your own anxiety and behavior leads me to think you don't trust him. I'm also concerned you have good reason to doubt his respect and faithfulness. I wonder what you hope for in a soul mate, Betrayed Becky? What qualities are you looking for in a man? And how do you expect to be loved and treated? I'd like you to shift your focus from your boyfriend momentarily and focus on your future, the quality of your daily life, and how you would describe to yourself or someone else a good, solid relationship?

I'm concerned about the combination of his age and marital history. I'm concerned that he was willing to even entertain the idea of sleeping with someone he knows to be your friend. I'm concerned he slept with someone when you were 'dating' instead of clarifying with you first the outline of the relationship. And I'm concerned that you set him up in order to test his honesty and his regard for you, and yet, with the answer, you don't trust yourself to walk away and find or build a more stable relationship.

If every day in front of you were to be like the ones behind you with him, is this what would you want? This much hesitation, distrust and turmoil after a year is something to take very seriously. Trust yourself, Betrayed Becky, and be an advocate for your own happiness and security.

yennybean yennybean 10 years
Once a pig, always a pig. TRUST ME!! I can pretty much guarantee you that the only thing that this guy was sorry about was the fact that he got BUSTED! As hard as it is to walk away... do it with your head held high girl! No man is worth the headache. I also have to wonder why you would go through the agony of what would happen by trying to hook him up with your gf as a test. I'm sure you already knew what the outcome would be. Trust your gut... if you think that you have a reason not to trust someone, then you do have a reason not to trust them.
Trixie6 Trixie6 10 years
Even if you love him, you're always going to wonder if he's being faithful. Why put yourself through that? You're just setting yourself up for a lot of angst. It will be hard to get over him, but you deserve a man who you don't have to second guess.
My-Opinion My-Opinion 10 years
Nope, he can't be trusted! Are you kiddin'?
getstinko getstinko 10 years
How long were they together. If they were in the preliminary dating phase, why was it exclusive? They break up and she has a friend pursue him? Why wouldn't he be interested, what obligation did he still have to her if they were broken up? It doesn't prove he's a cheater if he gets interested in an attractive women after you've broken up with him. At it's core it does sound like she can't trust him or that he's the right guy for her. I don't know if you can judge him too harshly based on how she described most of these so-called betrayals. I do however 100% agree that 2 times divorced by 31 is a red flag. The world is full of goods that are less damaged, find them.
XDeexDeeX XDeexDeeX 10 years
OMFGSH!!!!!!! Don't choose a guy who thinks he can go out with two woman at the same time just cus you started dating!
cubadog cubadog 10 years
I agree with DS for the most part. Setting someone up that you are broken up with is just as dishonest. Your lack of communication in the relationship is just as bad everything was based on assumptions. I am not condoning his dishonesty but at least he told you what he did at the beginning of the relationship your response was to break up and try to set him up so see if he would hook up with your friend. You made your decision now deal with it.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
His excuse of trying to move on with his life is total BS. Completely and totally a big, fat excuse. The thing is, you want to believe that it's the truth. Why? Because you love him, and you think he loves you. So we make excuses for people and exceptions because you are so desperate for him to actually be a good guy. BUT HE'S NOT A GOOD GUY! Trust your gut on this. And love isn't something sick like this where you break up and he agrees to hook up with a friend of yours. It's something much calmer and safer and nicer. Soulmate or not, it's not love from his side. I had the same thing happen to me and it took me a long time realize that even though he claimed I was the love of his life, blah blah, that you do NOT treat the love of your life the way this guy has treated you.
martini-queenie martini-queenie 10 years
From what you've said, it sounds to me like you already know what to do. Your only point in favor of this man is "but I love him," which really pales compared with the unpleasant realities of who he really is.
Marci Marci 10 years
There are a lot of red flags where this guy is concerned. Trust is a key ingredient for a solid, strong relationship, and there really is no room for even the slightest doubt. Mistrust is like a cancer in a relationship. I agree with DS's concerns regarding this age and marital history. And I think she asks the crucial question that only you can answer: If staying with him means that the future holds for you what you already had in the past, is that really what you want? This kind of situation really hurts, but I hope you reach the decision that makes you happy.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
I know it sucks Becky, but honestly, I think you've given this guy more than enough of your time. It's time to move on girl! You deserve so much better than this. The wonderful thing about comitted relationship is that you NEVER have to feel distrustful of your partner, and this guy has clearly shown you that your feelings of doubt are valid. If I were you I would break up with him immediately and start getting out and meeting new people. You'll find a guy so wonderful you will shake your head when you look back and think of this loser. Would you want your sister to be with a cheater? Your best friend? Have enough self esteem to let this guy go.
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