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You Asked: Can I Fix This Guy?

Dear Sugar--

I have been dating a guy going on 2 years. He has an ex wife and 2 kids. He never stands up to any of them. He has been divorced for 6 years but it seems like just last month. On the weekends that he is supposed to have his kids (he usually ends up not getting them because if they don't want to come they don't) he tells me he will call me if they don't come over. If they have some sports function or school function I am never invited. They wouldn't like it because their mother might see me and that would be way too awkward.

His kids are 12 and 14 and get whatever they want and only do what they want. They treat him terribly and he allows it. To me this is unacceptable. All he does is work! When he is not working at work he is doing side jobs. He says it's because he has to catch up since he had to refinance his home to pay his ex wife half.

He tells me that he is a provider and that is what he does. I don't need to be provided for. I was married 23 years and have been divorced for 9 years. My kids are all grown and I have a really good job. Tell me I need to enjoy life. I am a fixer and I always think I can fix people. This man is 53 years old. I don't think I can fix him.

We need not even talk about the sex in this relationship. Let's just say his needs are meet, but what about me? Did he forget I was there? Thanks for listening.

-- Unsatisfied Samantha

To see DEARSUGAR'S answer

Dear Unsatisfied Samantha--

You're right - you can't fix him, or anyone else for that matter because it's not your job. People offer what they can and this man is probably too overwhelmed with work and family obligations to give you the time and attention you need. Between his 2 kids, his ex wife, and working overtime, it sounds like he's got a lot of priorities that he is choosing to put before you.

If you love this man and want your relationship to work, you have got to sit him down and explain what your needs are (including those in the bedroom). Tell him what parts of the relationship make you unhappy; discuss whether or not things can change and ways you can compromise. If he admits that there's too much on his plate, and it's not possible to give you anymore than he is giving you now, it's time to move on because you'll never be satisfied and fulfilled.

Since your kids are all grown, you're in a different parental position than your boyfriend. You don't have responsibilities to anyone but yourself so you have a lot of time and love to give. You deserve to be in a mutually intimate and loving relationship. Hopefully your chat will give you some good insight on your future with this man. I wish you lots of luck Samantha!


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