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You Asked: Can I Learn to Tolerate Her?

Dear Sugar,

I have been great friends with my boyfriend for 10 years now and we have been dating for three. Throughout that time, I've become close with many of his friends. I love them dearly and I respect the close relationships he has maintained throughout the years, and I know that they respect and love me as their own good friend now too. Unfortunately, from day one, I have never really taken to my boyfriend's best friend's now-wife. She was rude to me when we began dating and later explained that she just didn't like "outsiders" dating her best friend — but I'm not an outsider! We were friends for 10 years before we started to date! Of course knowing how much his friends mean to him, we laughed it off. As the years pass, I can't help but cringe when I find out she will be anywhere we are. And the sad thing is I absolutely adore her husband. He is sweet, kind, smart, and a ton of fun. In social settings, she is alienating, rude, loud, unkempt, and just a total nightmare to be around.

I love all the other guys’ girlfriends, but this one makes my skin crawl and I can't take it anymore. What can I do to have a good time when we're all out? I hate having my evenings ruined because I have to listen to the loud, obnoxious things that she says. Any ideas? — Fed Up Phoebe

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Fed Up Phoebe,

Just from reading your letter, I can feel your frustration. It sounds to me like this woman is very protective of her friends, but since you've been part of this group for three years now, it's absolutely time for her to let you in. Since she and her husband are constant fixtures in your boyfriend's life, you're going to have to make this tolerable somehow. Whenever I meet people that I don't mesh well with, it's easy for me to pick up on the things I don't like, but I've found that once I fixate on the negatives, I end up disliking that person even more. So, instead of letting her get under your skin, try to find some good in her, or at least something you have in common. I also suggest talking to her. If she's affecting you this much, chances are she feels it too, so perhaps a good heart-to-heart is in order.

Since you've made friendships with the other girls, try to hang out with them more when you're in a group setting. I'm not telling you to alienate her — two wrongs don't make a right — but when she starts to annoy you, simply walk away. Unfortunately, not everyone gets along, and while it can cause awkwardness within a circle of friends, it's important to realize that you don't have to be her best friend in order to have fun with everyone else. Perhaps after a talk you guys can agree to disagree, but keeping the elephant in the room is only going to make matters worse.


Join The Conversation
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 8 years
I agree that if everyone else notices this too you can just ignore her and walk away if she's annoying you but if it's just you she acts like this to you need to talk to her. She'll either be nicer to you or she won't, you really have nothing to lose, it can't get much worse. Just hang out with the guys and the girls that you like and don't let her bother you. Maybe she's insecure cause you're prettier than her and she thinks her hubby knows it too or maybe he's said something to her about how cool you are and she knows everyone likes you more than her. She's jealous and insecure and that is not your fault or your problem to deal with.
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 8 years
Yeah I agree with Fluffyhelen too... it sounds like she behaves this way to get all the attention on her... to divert all the guys' attention away from their girlfriends and get their main focus to be her... does sound like she could have possibly been jealous that you stole his attention away from her...maybe she was used to being the only girl around when it was just her, her husband, and your boyfriend... who knows.. I could be wrong :)
LoveSarah LoveSarah 8 years
I kinda of agree with fluffyhelen. She sounds jealous, I mean, why else would it matter who your boyfriend dated if she was married? But, you shouldn't have to hide from her and your other friends because she may be at a party or wherever. Be overly nice to her, even if she is annoying and rude. Or when she says something trying to get a reaction just say "That's nice" and ignore her. That usually makes those types of people shut up. No need to let this girl dictate your life.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
I'm just going to throw this out there... Has she ever dated your boyfriend? Looked like she was flirting with him? This woman is JEALOUS of you. I don't care what she says about "outsiders" dating this guy she doesn't like ANYBODY dating this guy!! Maybe he was her backup? Maybe they had a fling and decided that she'd go back to her boyfriend? Who knows! You are dealing with a JEALOUS woman and you need to sort things out once and for all if she continues to behave like this.
Mykie7 Mykie7 8 years
Thank you theCats. Mine came from personal experience too. There is this one woman I work with. OH MY LORD we couldn't be more different if we tried. Doesn't help that she's the bosses wife as well. Anyway, the first few years I was here, I HATED this woman. I just couldn't get past her attitude about certain things. Then one day I woke up and said "Hm, it can't all be her." and I changed the way I approached her. Do you know that now she is one of the funniest people I know, and once I got past that one aspect of her personality I DON'T like, underneath she's a pretty cool person. And it wasn't because anything about HER changed, it's because I changed the way I looked at her.
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
I just realized he was her 'boyfriend'... oh well. same difference to me. ;)
theCatsPajamas theCatsPajamas 8 years
I'm totally with you, Mykie. I think your original post was right on--it encouraged OP to reach out to this woman and try to engage on her level. I think it's really good advice, and I have to say it's a lesson i've learned again and aagain-- in the workplace, in my love life, in social situations... sometimes my way just doesn't cut it. Your post is a totally valid reminder that sometimes a simple tactic change can open up a world of communication.
lilCROAT03 lilCROAT03 8 years
i have a similar situation except i feel like my man can't stand her more than me. i'm good at adapting to people's (sometimes out-there) personalities so i can deal with it ..all night if i have to. but he can't, he starts to sweat when she starts to run her mouth about immature things. might have to do with the fact that our friend is 32 and she's 18. yeah...i think that's the problem.
Mykie7 Mykie7 8 years
I'm sorry if it sounded condescending and snarky, it wasn't intended that way. I don't sugar coat what I'm thinking, and honestly I go at it the way I expect people to respond to me. When I ask a question, I want ALL the answers, even if they're painful and not what I want to hear, because sometimes what I don't WANT to hear is exactly what I NEED to hear. Telling this girl that it's all the other person's fault is irresponsible. Usually when there's friction between two people they are both to blame.
vmruby vmruby 8 years
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
vmruby :highfive: :D
vmruby vmruby 8 years
Tune her loud azz out,then proceed to serve her a tall glass of STFU. Who really cares what she thinks ,did someone appoint her the official dating police for her friends?It should not change your life no matter how obnoxious she is. And don't feel like you have to avoid parties or gatherings with your friends because of her.Just enjoy being with your boyfriend and eventually it should get real easy for you to act like she's invisible....
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
And watch how close you are to his friends as well, that's dangerous territory. I forgot to mention, I had this situation before when I was married... hated that rude, horse-mouth,loud b*...the one who tried to start all the gossip amongst us so we'd at dinner parties, another friend and I conspired to coax her to be in charge of the kids :ROTFL: either that or we'd beg her to tell us one of her ridiculously boring work stories right away...just to let her have her attention and get it out of the way. At least we got to start the night laughing. Guess what, we're almost all divorced now... don't waste time on clique''s pointless in the end anyway.
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
Talk to your husband and make him deal with it through his friend. If he can't handle the married the wrong man. What if it was his sister,mother, aunt, cousin...? trust me. Women shouldn't have to tackle this situation alone. That's why you have a husband, to have a partner.
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
Mykie, I'm sorry, but the first four sentences of your post really were extremely condescending and snarky. But whatever--it's your opinion. :shrug: My advice to the OP would be not to let this girl get under your skin. Don't take her too seriously, and, like Dear says, just walk away when she becomes too much. She sounds like an obnoxious woman. I'm sure the other friends in your circle have noticed that as well, so I'm guessing the rest of them will understand that you're not terribly fond of her.
Mykie7 Mykie7 8 years
Okay, i just re-read my post and what about my post was confrontational? Are you saying that just because I didn't hold her hand and tell her she's right that what I said wasn't supportive? Talk about one-sided. I gave specific pointers about how to remedy the situation, how to get to know her better. I would bet dollars to donuts that BECAUSE she doesn't like the person she's never extended the olive branch and REALLY tried to get to know her. Be honest with yourself, would YOU do that if you didn't like someone? Or would you avoid being around that person as much as possible? I think if you're objective and REALLY LOOK at what I said it IS helpful, even though it might not be what she wants to hear. So get off your high horse a minute and take what I said for what it's worth okay? Don't bash ME because you don't like what I said. I wasn't mean or spiteful and CERTAINLY didn't call her an idiot. MOST people have to get over THEMselves to be able to see another option. Get out of your own way and the options open up.
geebers geebers 8 years
I agree with Lovely but at the same time- calling Mykie ridiculous and making assumptions about her personal life is not conducive to being a supportive site. Anyway- I used to believe that if you have an issue with someone- talk to them about it. Now- I have a different opinion. I think you should try hanging out with her one on one but NOT say a word about not liking her etc. Once you make an effort - you have proven to yourself and to others that you try. If she still behaves negatively, let it go. Just surround yourself with positive people and ignore her when she gets rude or mean. Walk away like Dear advised.
LovelyLady8 LovelyLady8 8 years
Well Mykie that's because people are supposed to be supportive here and give advice to help women deal with things in a responsible manner.. and you were taking cheap shots. That sucks. And really shows what kind of advic you give. One sided.
Mykie7 Mykie7 8 years
Glad to know Lovely that you're the only one entitled to an opinion. I'll remember that.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
Its part of life, just ignore her, and tell your husband that you dont wish to be around her, and for him to tell his best friend that you wont tolerate being treated like that. It wont make things worse
LovelyLady8 LovelyLady8 8 years
Mykie.. You're ridiculous. Obviously this girl has accepted her boyfriends friends as her own and has been warm and welcoming to them.. Acting as if this girl has not given her a fair chance is absurd. She has obviously been a part of these peoples lives for 3 years so saying that she is having problems because this isn't her type of person is showing your ignorance. Something tells me you have probably been that annoying girlfriend that everyone dislikes and you of course have a million excuses as to WHY. God I just love close minded women.. It gives all womankind a GREAT impression of us. *sarcasm*
Mykie7 Mykie7 8 years
She may be terrible, but you've never had to deal with someone before that isn't exactly "your" type of person? It's called living outside the box, and the sooner you learn how to get along with her the happier you'll be. Why? Because if you ever plan to get a job, there WILL be someone like that at the office that you will have to LEARN to deal with. Use her as your "practice dummy" so to speak. Maybe she has a hard time making friends, but your boyfriends best friend apparently likes her, and since you apparently trust your BOYFRIENDS judgement, then I would also trust the friends judgement and try harder. To learn to get along with her, call her and invite her out to lunch one on one. Get to know her better, give it a chance. You may wind up with another really good friend. After all, opposites attract, you just have to get over YOURself first.
skigurl skigurl 8 years
lous = loud
skigurl skigurl 8 years
i'm absolutely not doubting she's terrible - people like this make me NUTS. my aunt is actually like this - she is so overbearing and controlling and lous, but when other people notice, at least you can band together. if other people DON'T notice, in the situation of the OP, then i'm at a loss as to what to do because it's obvious that the OP is just sensitive...but it doesn't sound like it..sounds like you can band together and try to minimize hangouts with her or shut her down when she gets overbearing
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 8 years
That's pretty much what I do Deby, just ignore her!
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