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You Asked: Can I Move on From This Deception?

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating my boyfriend for almost two years now. He is an amazing boyfriend; in fact, I've never dated a guy like this before. About six months into our relationship, his ex became a problem. She called him constantly, along with text messages and emails. I had no problem with it in the beginning, because she's never been a threat to me, until I found out that he hadn't even told her about me! Instead, he was telling her he missed her, and on a couple of occasions, he even saw her.

I honestly felt bad for this girl because it was clear that he was stringing both of us along — I knew it wasn't solely her fault. When I confronted him, he claimed that he was over her, but I've lost all trust. He is an amazing guy, but I feel like he's been withholding the truth about our relationship since day one. Can I overcome this? I've never been a jealous person and I don't want to turn into one now, but I have no idea how to conquer this problem. — Deceived Dianna

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Deceived Dianna,

To be completely honest, I'm not sure this deception is worth moving past. Not only did he allow his ex to continue to contact him, but he crossed the line when he told her he missed her while in a relationship with you — that's cheating in my book! When the trust is broken in any relationship, a serious decision has to be made as to whether you can truly forgive and move on. If you hold on to your anger, or if you feel like he's still not being trustworthy, it'll just be a matter of time until your jealousy and doubt creates a rift that can't be fixed.

People make mistakes in relationships all the time, so if you believe that he's truly sorry, over her, and willing to change, give him another shot, but you'll have to be the judge of that. He could be the greatest guy in the world, Dianna, but what's important is how he treats you, and from the sound of it, he hasn't been respecting you or your relationship. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
I'm not going to tell you to end it. But for myself, dishonesty is a deal breaker. Do you know for sure that he wasn't actually involved with this woman at the same time that he was with you? Otherwise why keep your relationship a secret? How did you find out that this other girl knew nothing about you? Did he tell you, or did you find out accidentally? A man is not dishonest unless he has something to hide, in my opinion. Either he was involved with her as well as you, or he wanted to be. This man has proven to you that he is not trustworthy. Take this information and ask yourself what it says about what kind of person he is. How could ANY woman even consider trusting this man again?
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
If you can get over this, you're a much stronger person than I am. I went through something similar and I never got over it. The funny thing is that in the end, I didn't break up with him for what he did. I broke up with him because I was acting like a jealous fool all the time and I couldn't stand the person I had become. Do yourself a favor and end it. You'll be glad you did.
ajennilynrushhh ajennilynrushhh 9 years
I agree with the other ladies up there. Leave him. It's just going to bug you even more.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
It was over a year ago and you haven't let it go. But you must be okay with it if you haven't left.
MyPov MyPov 9 years
He wants his cake and eat it too! The friendship with the ex and the relationship with you. I was the xgf in a similar situation but I didn't know that he didn't tell his new gf about me. When he finally told her, she gave him an ultimatum--her or me and I thought it was the lamest non-affair affair when he agreed to her demand yet continued to contact me. He wanted to keep being my friend under the table, he'd IM me and e-mail me when she wasn't around. I thought this was shady as hell so I blocked him and to this day she probably doesn't know that he was sneaking around behind her back. She's lucky that I shut it off b/c who knows if he would have on his own? He's the creep, and so is your bf. Why keep something secret if it's nothing? In my case the new gf was insecure and threatened, but had she been cool and him honest, I think we all could've been fine.
ehadams ehadams 9 years
It sounds like you are being way too nice about this situation- putting up with it for so long. Dump his ass and find someone better.
pippins_halfling pippins_halfling 9 years
You can honestly do better.
Rebecca14916991 Rebecca14916991 9 years
Girl, I know you love him, but if he loved you, he wouldn't behave like this. If he was such an amazing guy, he wouldn't have tried to hide the fact that he wanted to get back together with his ex - he would have had enough respect for you to break up with you when he did. As it is, I think he just wants you as a backup in case anything goes wrong with her; that way he doesn't have to go without getting laid for too long. I know you say that the cheating is just emotional, but you have to remember: for women, it's emotional -> physical; for men, it's physical -> emotional. So, if you still want to think that it's just "emotional" cheating, the emotions can only be because he's already doing physical things with her to begin with. You said this guy has been running this scam for A YEAR AND A HALF?! Girl, you need to kick him out the front door with a figurative "CHEATER" sign in red letters around his neck so the next girl won't be screwed around like you were. You deserve to be treated better than this.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
I agree -- he's not worth keeping.
CYL CYL 9 years
why are you still with him?
cubadog cubadog 9 years
An amazing guy that is a total liar, he must be awesome. End it he is not that amazing.
MeggyPoodles MeggyPoodles 9 years
I do think it's possible to "miss" someone without wanting to get back together with them. I know I have missed exboyfriends while I was in a new relationship, but not in a loving way! More like a, "oh those were good times, I hope they're happy" thing. I guess it depends on the context. I don't think every thing is so black and white. Just cause he misses her doesn't mean he doesn't love you. Maybe I'm just young and naive lol.
missyd missyd 9 years
WHOA I would dump him so quick his ass would be permanently bruised. what an a-hole~!
Kelliegrl Kelliegrl 9 years
He has one foot in the door and one foot out.
Kelliegrl Kelliegrl 9 years
He's such a creep. And this is exactly why boys think they can do stuff like this to their girlfriends, b/c we let them get away wish ish like this all the time.
Muirnea Muirnea 9 years
I was in a similar situation. I left him, just couldn't do it anymore, I was always worrying about what he might be doing, didn't trust him a bit anymore. I don't think anyone can ever truly get over something like that, the trust is gone and its not coming back. Even if he is truly sorry about what happened and isn't going to do it again, that doesn't mean you will ever truly believe him again. And to me, it's not worth it to waste time on a guy who didn't care about you at one point...that shows his true personality and no matter how hard people try, they can't change their personality, they can just cover it up for a while. I would rather find a guy who is naturally sweet and caring and respects my feelings rather than wait around with this guy until he figures out how to be caring and respectful. Good luck!!
vmruby vmruby 9 years
What the heck is so amazing about a guy who cheats,lies,and strings two girls along. In my book he's a sc*mbag. You need to seriously wake up and do it soon....
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
Look, I'd be thrilled you didn't marry this douchebag - get out now! I could understand if you guys were married, but seriously, dump him ASAP!
crackaddict crackaddict 9 years
This guy is a creep ditch him
sundaygreen sundaygreen 9 years
Yeah seriously how can you put up with knowing that crap for over a year? I would have dumped him the second I found out!
JeannieGrrl JeannieGrrl 9 years
Oh honey, this is heartbreaking. I feel your pain, I've been in similar situations. You need to reevaluate what you expect to get from this relationship. I know that personally, I couldn't get past this. I don't know where you've mustered the courage to do it for this long. Go with your guts hun, sometimes your heart can be deceptive. He seems to be playing you and her and who knows who else has fallen victim to his selfish and cruel games. You sound intelligent and I believe that you can do much better. Stay strong no matter what you do. And... good luck.
TheMissus TheMissus 9 years
Yeah... He can't be "amazing" if he did this to you. You need to drop him and move on. And you're not turning into a "jealous" woman by feeling the way you do. You need to find your self-esteem and tell him to "hit the road." If he hadn't done anything, and you were feeling this way, then I would say you are "paranoid" and "jealous." But seeing as he did something, you are neither of those things. You deserve better.
smp7328 smp7328 9 years
"He is an amazing guy, but I feel like he's been withholding the truth about our relationship since day one" - He can't be all that amazing if he lied to you from the first day. I would definitely not overlook this. I would say to move on, which is definitely going to be hard to do, but you don't know what other stuff he hasn't been telling you.
sunnynight sunnynight 9 years
I don't think this is something you can overlook... I mean, he's been lying since day one! Very, very untrustworthy in my book.
MissJules5x MissJules5x 9 years
wait a've been dealing with it for a year and a half since this happened... how have you been dealing with it so far? if everything else is wonderful then maybe its time to learn from that experience and either move on or completely forgive him and make your relationship stronger. I'm not going to sit here and say what he did was okay. ITS NOT AT ALL. he basically cheated on you by continuing a relationship with her whether it was sexual or emotional. If you have been able to handle it for a year and a half and since then nothing has happened, then its time to forgive him and stop obsessing over it. always remember the warning signs if he does something similar again its time to cut things off. But if he proves himself to you and has proven himself for the past year and a half its time to forgive him and get over it. if you can't forgive him let him go.
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