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You Asked: Can I Tell My Friend How I Really Feel?

Dear Sugar,

Is it wrong to tell my twice-divorced friend that she doesn't always need to have a guy lined up? She keeps dating these losers, and I end up having to deal with the mess. I want her to learn how to live her own life and wait for the right man. — Looking Out Laura

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Looking Out Laura,

I completely understand where you are coming from — there's nothing more frustrating than watching a friend make poor decisions when it comes to matters of the heart, but unfortunately you can't make decisions for her. You can just be there to support her and give her guidance when she needs it.

While you're helping her pick up the pieces of her broken heart, reassure her that there is someone out there for her, but chasing him won't make him come any faster. While jumping from relationship to relationship might feel comforting in the moment, wasting time with just anyone will only prolong finding Mr. Right. As cliched as it may sound, I strongly believe that there's just no way to have a successful relationship unless you're completely satisfied being alone — it's that alone time that gives you the ability to reflect on past relationships and really understand what it is you want out of future ones.

Your friend will have to make these mistakes to learn from them, so go ahead and offer up your advice but try not to judge her or get too frustrated because at the end of the day, it's her life, not yours.


Join The Conversation
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
The most important thing you need to remember is that it's not your responsibility to clean up the mess. I've been in this situation and I just told my friend I love you and I think you deserve better than these losers and that I cannot be there to pick up the pieces when things go bad, it hurts me too much to see you like this. She then either makes the decision not to be with the losers or goes to someone else when the problems occur. You can be the fun friend she has and you can take her out to get over the guy and take her mind off of it without having to talk about all the details.
Jesi_Oh Jesi_Oh 9 years
hmm well I agree with Dear in theory but there can come a point where your friend is trapped in a cycle and needs a genuine caring wake-up. Sometimes always being there to pick up the pieces just enables them to continue being dependent (on guys and you). I won't rant about it but I was in this situation with a friend for a while and you can end up dorwning in their problems becasue you love them and want to be there for them but its really not always good for either of you.
murdock99tx murdock99tx 9 years
Sooooo true.
Martini-Rossi Martini-Rossi 9 years
A few months ago I had to be straight up with my friend who, though very young, is always dating losers. She puts herself in these situations, wants to "give it a try because he could be the one", even though she plans never to be married. Anyway shes one big ball of confusion and I am tired of hearing about it. I was on the phone with her and told her exactly how I felt about the BOYS she dated and her patterns. Of course she got defensive but as the conversation went on I realized that talking to her was more for me. I needed her to know that I know her patterns, wished she would changed, wished her well and a few advice. Now that all of that is out the way I no longer care to hear about her failed relationships and she knows that. My ears are no longer filled with BS for most hours of the day. Though she hasnt changed at least she knows where I stand with her crap.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 9 years
its like ur talking about my sister. and i cant really say anything. shes too sensitive and defensive and easily offended. i mean i think every woman would like to have good relationship, but the difference is that some women would take the relationship whether or not its good. thats unfortunate.
KatieDearest KatieDearest 9 years
This is my exact situation with my youngest Aunt. (37 years old) Believe me, there is no way to tell her this. I have often thought to myself that as soon as she's comfortable and HAPPY with herself as a single and COMPLETE person, she will never be able to make a relationship work.
Sporky Sporky 9 years
"I strongly believe that there's just no way to have a successful relationship unless you're completely satisfied being alone — it's that alone time that gives you the ability to reflect on past relationships and really understand what it is you want out of future ones." Truer words were never spoken. After realizing this myself, I went through this with a dear friend who kept jumping from loser guy to loser guy, saying every time "he's the one" and getting her heart broken each time. Once she spent some time alone and figured out what SHE really wanted, she met a great guy who respects and loves her a lot.
tomatoshirt tomatoshirt 9 years
I agree with Sugar... but it is easy to say than done. My friend, who is 43, has the same problem. It is fraustrating to see my friend to get hurt...I can't really do anything but listen.
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