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You Asked: Is That Cheating?

Dear Sugar --

My boyfriend is in a real dark part of his life. He is in between jobs and he keeps quarrelling with those closest to him. Recently, we went to his friend's birthday bash in which he drank way too much while I was the sober driver. Things were getting out of control and a random girl I have never seen before grabbed my boyfriend's face and kissed him - he kissed her back. I was right there and couldn't believe what I saw. I have not been on good terms with my boyfriend since and I am confused as to how to handle the situation. He has apologized over and over, but I'm still furious. Am I over-reacting? Should I ever forgive him? Was he just drunk? -- Bent out of Shape Bonnie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Bent out of Shape Bonnie --

This sounds like a classic case of having too much to drink. The fact that neither of you know this girl makes me think she simply took advantage of your intoxicated boyfriend. Since you were right there watching the whole thing, I don't think it was a malicious act on his part, rather a poor judgment call. According to the textbook definition, yes, what he did was "cheating", but everyone has a different opinion of what constitutes cheating.

Even though your boyfriend didn't initiate this contact, he should still get nice and cozy in the doghouse! Being in a bad place in his life and going out drinking when the going gets tough is not the answer. He needs to understand how it made you feel to see him kiss another woman, especially at a party in front of all your mutual friends. Of course, you're still furious, who wouldn't be, so what he needs to do is lay off the sauce and give you time to forgive him.

Relationships have their ups and downs, but the decision is ultimately up to you. Time is a great healer so hopefully you can put his drunken night behind you. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
ummmidkman ummmidkman 9 years
being drunk isnt really an excuse unless he was blackout drunk in which case he probably wouldve been passed out. i would have just pushed her away even if i was drunk i know exactly what im doing. soo... maybe he liked it
Hibalicious Hibalicious 9 years
sweety, it was nothing trust me, because he was kissing her in front of u which i personally know means nothing and was all a mistake. dearsugar is totally right! u should go b***ch slap that girl and then talk to ur bf and if u love him ull forgive him sooner or later and u know u will. so think about it what do u want to do?
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
I would be extremely EXTREMELY...not only he made a fool of himself but didn't care that you were there! I mean how can you trust someone that WITH YOU kisses random girls???? If I was in your positon I would probably give him another chance just because there is "love" involved but.....good luck getting that image out of your head!
trésjolie1 trésjolie1 9 years
I don't know if I would be able to get past this one. Ask yourself if it is worth getting past, because sometimes it's not. He needs to get his stuff together and either treat you A LOT better and respect you, or get out. Has he changed for real after this incident, or is he just trying to make you stay? Just because he wants you to stay doesn't mean that he is the man that you deserve. Maybe a week away would be good, stay at a girlfriend's place.
mnp mnp 9 years
I agree with all the entries (nessabum, staceyvial and i am elle) that says it's not excusable to kiss a girl when you're drunk. I'd consider that cheating and because it happened in front of your friends, I'd break up with him. Your friends are never going to let you live it down and you'll be on your "own" with this relationship from now on. No one will approve of this relationship and I'm sure they'd want to stay away from a guy like that. If you really love him, you should work it out BUT you don't, this is the time to break it off. No matter how piss drunk I am...I don't think I have ever made out with a guy. And usually when I'm drunk I'm always thinking about whomever I'm dating at the moment OR the guy who made me so sad that I went out drinking my sorrows away.
Sofiababy Sofiababy 9 years
ugh this one gave me goosebumps! i'm a pretty fiery tempered person when it comes to matters of the heart and this one would have ENRAGED me. namely, i would have killed two birds with one stone and kicked BOTH their asses. hers first because shes a drunk whore =] but really, when it comes down to it, i agree with M.angel when she says its a form of rebellion. we're all human, and subconsciously we do hideous things unintentionally sometimes. it very well could have been an honest mistake, and the biggest thing now is not what he did, but how he handles this from here on out. i would say that it is HE who should pave the way for the relationship to recover from this. his dedication will make it clear if this is worth salvaging. either way, i would HAVE to have a clear sit down where i let him have it.. make your situation and position that night CRYSTAL clear baby. you need to get it out if you EVER want to get past this.
nessabum nessabum 9 years
dump his sorry ass. really, he had no business kissing any girl even if he was drunk (i especially agree with what Masqueraded_Angel says). and if he cared about how his behaviour was affecting you to begin with, he wouldn't go drinking just to feel sorry for himself. he needs to work out his life and maybe you aren't the person to straighten it out for him. you really deserve better.
Working Working 9 years
Think about it. What if it was reversed, you were smashed, some guy kissed you and you kissed him back. How would your bf react? I would NEVER get that out of my head personally. I feel really bad for you.
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
I would have punched her. =D
staceyvial staceyvial 9 years
There is no way i would ever be able to get over that. There is no excuse for kissing her back. Let me tell you, i've had my share of "extremely intoxicated" moments, and in none of them would i ever even consider kissing someone back. He needs to clean up his act - dont get tied down with somoene you can never trust again!
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
okay, he was drunk...give him a break and forgive him if he is sorry. True story, last halloween i go to drive my hubby home because i dont drink and he is WASTED...and in the cutest devil costume ever...anywho he gets in the car and says "i think i hit on some pirate in the bushes" turns out to be a girlfriend of a friend of his and she said that my hubby was hitting on her....I forgave him....and remind him of it when we see pirate clothes... :P
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 9 years
Ouch! I would have kicked my guys a-- and that girls a-- if I saw that happen in front of me. You have every right to be angry. Did the girl look like you? Hair color? Face? Maybe in his drunken stupor he thought it was you until it was too late. A lot of people do a lot of STUPID things when they are drunk. However, it was no excuse. I have to agree with DearSugar. As long as he knows what he did was wrong and how it made you feel....hopefully he will ease up on the drinking and be more respectful to you and your friends. If I were you, just keep your eyes peeled for any further behavior that you that seems out of the ordinary.
Brendelwoman Brendelwoman 9 years
I assume you are young so please don't tie yourself down to a loser (this advice applies to those of us a little older as well). There are other fish in the sea and you have to believe that.
Marci Marci 9 years
I agree with i am elle. I would have a lot of trouble getting past that.
i-am-elle i-am-elle 9 years
I wouldn't be able to get that image out of my head. He has to know that being stressed out is NO excuse to get so drunk that you lose all inhibitions. And the fact that it happened right in front of you! He needs to do more than just apologize, he needs to get his act together. As for that girl, hopefully you never see her again.
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
REPEAT. I would have pulled that girl aside and gave her a lesson in class, obviously she is lacking it. The guy is no better for condoning her behavior and doing that in front of you. How dare he! seriously. That shows a lack of respect towards you and I don't think the drunk excuse should be allowed at all. Usually you have control over yourself to a point when drunk! tell him to get himself together or have a nice life. You don't have to put up with that. I think my previous post was deleted because I cursed, that stuff gets me so mad though.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
That's kind of weird. I would address the drinking issue before the cheating issue.
juliemyjewel juliemyjewel 9 years
If this is what he does when he is drunk with you, imagine what he does when he's drunk without you...Just sayin'.
summer-roberts summer-roberts 9 years
If this was a one time thing and he apologized, then eventually I would get passed it. If he was always flirting or seamed to not be sorry, then it is time to leave. I hate the drunk excuse too, but I think we all have done things while tanked that we regret later. He acknowledged his mistake and apologized, give him another chance.
fab4 fab4 9 years
Well, first of all I would have had a 'conversation' with the drunk random girl.....
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
You want to know what your bf is doing? He's rebelling right now. He doesn't have a job (I don't know if he's looking or not) he's fighting with everyone, and then he has the nerve to kiss someone else in front of you? And I really REALLY hate when the "drunk" excuse is used. I've known of a couple of times I got pretty smashed with my husband there, and I wouldn't even think about kissing anyone else! He should have resisted her, or pushed away, or SOMETHING. But he didn't. Drop his a$$.
blondie3 blondie3 9 years
Although thats a messed up situation, I would give him one more chance if you really love him. If your not that into him, then I think its okay to break up with him. However, if you love him, and think you can work it out, then I would just try and look at it like he was drunk and it wasn't a type of cheating where he consciously knew what he was doing. Also, if you are going to work it out, you need to get it out of your system once you talk to him, and then don't bring it up again, b/c then it wouldn't really being forgiving would it? The more you keep bringing it up, the more problems its going to cause in the relationship. So once you guys talk, make sure you get everything out, and then try and not mention it, and I think your relationship will be okay.
onesong onesong 9 years
wow. i agree with dear, but i'd never be able to forgive him, or trust him again...i'd always wonder what happened when i wasn't around and he was drinking? my problem would lie in the fact that he kissed her back. if he pushed her away and was like "wtf, that's my GIRLFRIEND right there," then it would be different...but it's not. good luck to you--you deserve someone who can keep himself together even when he hits hard times.
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