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You Asked: Did Having Sex Ruin Our Relationship?

Dear Sugar,

I need help making sense out of this situation. I had three great dates with this guy — three dates within the timespan of five days! We were really hitting it off and he was signaling that he was interested in something more. We didn't kiss on our first date, or our second date, (he only kissed my cheek) but on our third date, we were hanging out at his place and the next thing I knew, we were having sex. It was completely casual, nothing weird happened, and it was overall a nice experience. He was really sweet with me after — he helped me put my coat on and kissed me goodnight. That date was last Tuesday. I haven't received a single phone call, text message, or instant message from him since. I'm really confused and now I'm thinking that somehow us having sex on our third date has suddenly freaked him out. I need help sorting this all out! What should I do? — Puzzled Paulina

To see DearSugar's answer


Dear Puzzled Paulina,

I wish I could tell you exactly why he's gone MIA, but unfortunately, I can only make assumptions just like you. Since you went on three dates in less than a week, I'd assume he was interested, too. But to be brutally honest, Paulina, it sounds like he was more concerned with having sex with you than starting a relationship.

Since he's cut off the communication, the only thing you can do is try to put him behind you. His intentions were unfortunately not what you thought they were, and as upsetting as that may be, be glad you found this out about him sooner rather than later. Accepting his decision won't be easy, so lean on your friends and family if you need support. In the meantime, the best thing you can do is get yourself back out there again. Good luck!


Join The Conversation
beautifulmel beautifulmel 8 years
I was in a similar situation-- turned out the guy was insecure and didn't want to get hurt in a relationship, so he kept me as a casual more-than-friends thing, even though I wanted a relationship with him... I broke it off eventually. The dude just might be afraid of getting hurt.
LittleLady12 LittleLady12 8 years
Also agree with cotedazur. It has nothing to do with having sex with him on the third date. It's about the guy, not you. Every girl who thinks they have to wait to keep a guy is fooling themselves. Waiting three months to have sex with him is only going to prolong him from dumping you. Luckily you had sex with him after three dates, so you didn't have to wait too long to lose the bastard! If you have an amazing first date with a guy and have sex, he won't think you're a slut. Now if you went out and met him at a bar and then had sex with hi, it might be a different story . . . :)
gildaland gildaland 8 years
I am not necessarily convinced that his intention from the beginning was to "get in your pants" like all the commentors here are saying. It is very possible that he didn't really have a master plan. THat he liked you, he liked hanging out with you & he was open to whatever. But after you have sex with someone, the relationship is either going to either be casual or be serious and not all guys are interested in leading girls on--so instead, they just disappear. He is not able to provide you with a relationship & probably was not even aware of this fact until AFTER you had sex. My guy friends tell me that they don't even *hear* what a girl is saying until after they have sex, so it also possible that he came to his senses & realized you were not compatible after you guys hooked up. It is really crappy when that happens. You had a connection--you are human and also like sex. The biggest lesson here is that you can't really ever go wrong when you wait to have sex with a guy. If he likes you--he will prove it by waiting however long it takes. If he's a runner--he will not stick around. So you find that out without becoming extremely vulnerable & sleeping with him. Also, it's important to keep in mind that guys will have sex with a girl no matter what. It is ALWAYS on the table for them. So, even if he really likes you & he knows he can't take you seriously after sleeping with you after a week, he will still sleep with you. Rarely, do you meet a guy who will put the brakes on sex in order to preserve the longevity of the relationship. That being said--HOLD OFF. There is no way it can hurt!
kastarte2 kastarte2 8 years
Sounds like he was only interested in one thing and that he is just not that into you. If he wanted a relationship, you guys would have been in touch by now.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 8 years
Let's not bs the op, he didn't suddenly lose her number.
subtleheights subtleheights 8 years
I say if he wants you he will come running back give him time. in the mean time you busy yourself with other dates. dont sweat it. dont call him or im or text or email. le him reach out to you. you will know if he was meant to be.
Angela123 Angela123 8 years
Of course I can't say for certain, but it sounds to me like you gave it up too soon. Happens to the best of us. And then either got what he wanted and (like a total ass) dropped you, OR thought you were a little too easy and (like an ass) lost interest. i hope you don't think I'm being harsh or mean, trust me I've been in this situation more than once ;). But that's just my opinion, and you should learn from this and move on. Without feeling bad about yourself! A caring, grown up man understands that sleeping with someone is significant, and if there is any reason for his being MIA other than some extenuating circumstance (like his phone broke or he HAD to leave town), then he is ignoring you on purpose. And that means he's not very nice and doesn't deserve you anyway.
MissJules5x MissJules5x 8 years
did you try calling him or texting him? i mean not getting psycho or anything but maybe he feels just as awkward as you are and are waiting for you to call. give him a call or a text and if he gets back to you and gives you a good reason for not calling then i'd try to understand but if he doesnt respond after you reaching out then he just wanted to get in your pants and let it go and move on
macchiatolove macchiatolove 8 years
tee hee, I meant pick yourself UP. Not pick yourself. :eye roll:
macchiatolove macchiatolove 8 years
I completely agree with queenlizzie and cotedazure. It depends on whether she has tried to contact him and been blown off, or whether he just hasn't contacted her yet. Also, like cotedazure said, I don't think that holding out on sex is neccessarily going to get you a great guy. I'm guessing he just used you, but like dearsugar said, pick yourself, get back out there and best of luck for next time!
wildflower666 wildflower666 8 years
i'll rather waited til i finally getta know each other really well instead rushing into having sex with your boyfriend
Alyssa9986 Alyssa9986 8 years
God me either Mesayme...I shudder to think of how exposed I'd feel. I hate to sound trite, but after having read "He's Just Not That Into You"...well, he's just not the into you. And, FRANKLY, why the f*** would you want someone like that calling you up!? Good riddance to him. You're hot hunk that will treat you like gold will be on his way now that there's a place for him :)
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
I'm just studying the comments because I have never gone through this...and I don't want to!!
Muirnea Muirnea 8 years
"I dont get how you can casually fall into sex like its "we were watching tv, holding hands and Bam I fell on his penis". LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D I agree with karlotta. If you have already tried contacting him and he isn't responding, then leave him alone and move on. But if neither of you have even tried contacting each other, it's worth a try at never know what is going on. Just tell him how you feel and ask what you want to know, I agree that playing games is stupid, just be honest and ask what you want to know.
CYL CYL 8 years
CP...LOL I love you funny.
karlotta karlotta 8 years
He may be busy with work, family, or a car accident that put him in a coma. He may like you a lot and not know how to handle it. He may be freaked out you had sex so early or maybe he feels like he didn't perform well enough and is embarrassed to call you back. Don't always think the worst - nor that he got what he wanted and moved on to the next prey. Men like this are actually kind of rare, and if you're not totally stupid you can spot them from a mile away. If you feel like you had chemistry, then you probably did, and he probably wasn't playing you. I'm betting on something else, and I think it's worth trying to figure out what. How about trying to contact him, not like a hysterical resentful harpy, and not so casually that it looks like you're used to doing guys on day 3 without giving it another thought - just a simple phone call or text message that says hello, wondering how you're doing, I had a nice time, would you like to see me again? I always think that there is no shame in being modest and genuine, not playing games, and putting yourself out there. Until a guy is actually a dick to you, I think it's okay to make that effort, and you can keep your head high knowing you were the authentic grown-up one if it turns out all screwed up.
db849 db849 8 years
Sadly, the rest of the folks who commented are right. I think he just wanted to get in your pants. On the other hand, on my 3rd date with a guy- we kissed. On our 4th date- he definitely wanted to do "the deed", but I didn't. And, he stopped talking to me after that. Good riddance. We don't need either type of men in our lives. Move on. Good luck!
lindholmka lindholmka 8 years
Guys are such pigs....
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 8 years
that was gold! :D
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 8 years
LOL @ CaterpillerGirl I dont get how you can casually fall into sex like its "we were watching tv, holding hands and Bam I fell on his penis"
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 8 years
I dont get "and the next thing we knew we were having sex" thing. I dont get how you can casually fall into sex like its "we were watching tv, holding hands and Bam I fell on his penis" BTW to this poster, dont expect a call either unless he thinks you will fall on it again!
CYL CYL 8 years
cotedazur I totally agree. I slept with my bf after our 3rd date...and my ex I held out for months with ended up being the asshole who broke my heart. There aren't really any rules as to when its too early to sleep with someone I just have to gauge the person and who they are. 3 dates in 5 days is too short of time to know someone and what they want. I went on 3 days in a span of 3 weeks with my bf...and in between we talked on msn and the phone...and our dates were normally like 6 hours long. Our first date was 3 hours ..of coffee and
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