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You Asked: Did I Corrupt This Guy?

Dear Sugar--

I met this great guy online, and we started dating maybe a week and a half ago (but had been talking for about a week beforehand). We got along great, and he was the first "professional" I've really been attracted to. I am entering a professional career, and have had a hard time dating peers. Anyway, I fell hard--something I didn't know I was still capable of doing.

Early on I learned that he was religious and later figured out he was very religious (bordering fundamentalist). I didn't notice when we were together and on our third date, we got very very drunk, much more drunk than he has ever been before. He also bought cigarettes and entered a gay bar. These are all things I find acceptable, but he doesn't. The result of the evening was something I never do: unprotected sex.

Ever since, he has been very distant and meditating on the sin we engaged in. As the non-Christian, is this more my fault? Should I be apologizing or should I have been more careful? The unprotected sex aspect is horrible and that is the first time I have done so in 7 years, but everything else -- should I have tried to steer him away knowing it would cause him pain in the morning?

--Regretful Rayna

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Regretful Rayna--

You did NOTHING wrong as far as he's concerned. It's good that you realize that unprotected sex is a bad idea (hello STIs and pregnancy), but he is in charge of his own actions. If he knows he doesn't want to get himself into certain situations, than he should never have had even one sip of alcohol to impair his senses. It was his decision to drink, and to get drunk. He walked into that gay bar, and he also had sex with you. I wouldn't be hard on yourself at all. None of this was your fault.

If these things were so important to him, he should have been honest from the start and set guidelines about what he was comfortable with. I'm sure he's very upset because he feels like he is the one who made the mistake (we are our own worst critic), and he probably feels awful about it. It really stinks that he's putting distance between you as a form of punishment, so I don't blame you for feeling the heat.

He owes you a good conversation about this. Since you were getting along so well, and you loved being together, maybe you guys can come up with a list of boundaries for the future. These should be "rules" that you both agree upon, like no more drinking alcohol, or no more unprotected sex. He has to realize that you can't change the past, you can only learn from your mistakes and try not to make them in the future. I hope things work out!


Join The Conversation
juliemyjewel juliemyjewel 9 years
Run away from this guy, as fast as you can! Anyone so into their religion has underlying issues, in my opinion. He will never love you as much as his religion...and I find that a lot of religious people use their religion as an excuse to judge (and criticize) others. Isn't that just wrong, according to the "judge not lest ye be judged" saying?? My moto: Keep thy religion to thyself. OK- religious rant over. Phew!
melda melda 9 years
i think you did nothing wrong! he is an adult
tokenguy tokenguy 9 years
I agree with others, it's not your fault. However, I'll also add I think you should respect another's wishes and morals. If you were going out of your way to seduce him, I don't think that was a nice thing to do. Yes, it *IS* still ultimately his fault, he CAN say no, but it's not exactly a nice thing for you to do, IF you did that (I'm not saying you did!). So I think there is a certain respect involved. Even fundamentalists are human and have the same desires as the rest of us, and all humans are weak, especially in the area of sex.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
DO NOT fall for this....people on the internet usually lie...(not all but you know what I mean)...I was naive enough to fall for it was a girl we were just friends but she kept pretending to be innocent and naive...she didn't know about sex and all that..she'd never been kissed and blah blah blah, religious and all that...well...the woman was a lying sack of sh*t!!! sorry for the language...but is true...she was the most promiscous girl I've ever met...unprotected sex, drugs, alcohol...the whole nine...she was good at identity fraud....when me and my friends found out we were SHOCKED! so...if this guy did not want to do it....he wouldn't have...if he makes you feel guilty is probably just an excuse to leave you (since you already gave him all) or to make himself feel better...
AlliJean AlliJean 9 years
I would spend less time worrying about how his actions are affecting him and think about yourself. You met him online (no judging here, I've done it too!) and had unprotected sex. If I were you, I would get to the clinic right away to make sure I didn't pick up something!
Clarishi Clarishi 9 years
It´s definetly NOT your responsibility... If his morals are that uptight, he should syncronize them with his acts, not YOU. You have the right to be yourself and even get a little crazy without having to say I´m sorry!!!
adirgeforher adirgeforher 9 years
even if they were all asian...who cares?
Cycy Cycy 9 years
@ JAM the Man: You are being very bigoted and I am glad no one(but me) has dignified your question with an answer. The pictures here on Dear Sugar are very varied and portray all races in a very representative way. Just go look at the first page, it has more than Asian pictures.
Daddisgrl Daddisgrl 9 years
You've known this guy for 3 weeks and are wondering if something like this is your fault? Think about this.... He says he's religous.. you have no way of knowing if it's true or a line. My guess, it was a line. You don't know if he lied to you about that, intentionally doing so just to get you in bed. You don't know if he is lying about drinking. My guess is he is. You don't know if he's lying about ever going into a gay bar before (btw, who suggested it, you or him?). Chances are he has and may swing both ways. You don't know if he's really "meditating" about "the sin" my guess is he is blowing you off after getting what he wanted. WAKE UP - YOU MET THIS GUY ON THE INTERNET. CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY YOU ARE ALIVE! Sorry to scream, but I needed to get my point across.
dior_show dior_show 9 years
It's not you're fault at all, everyone is responsible for their own decisions. You did nothing wrong at all, he is the one who chose to drink that much, you didn't force him into anything.
auddie auddie 9 years
He really sounds like the type who claims to be very moral and upright, but is not. If he was so against these things he wouldn't do them period, no matter how drunk he was. Drinking is a poor excuse for bad behavior. Don't let someone blame you because they feel guilty about their own actions.
pink_magnetism pink_magnetism 9 years
I agree with everyone else. You did not corrupt him, he is an adult who chose to behave the way that he did that night. He can regret his behavior, but shouldn't blame you for it.
Sugarblonde Sugarblonde 9 years
It is not your fault over his. Unless of course you kept feeding him shot after shot. (haha just kidding ) In all seriousness, I understand why this bothers you but it is not your fault. Unfortunately, this guy is regretting what he did. You did not MAKE him do this. Due to his religion, he may never be able to get over this regret.. I do not know how serious he is. If he was a stand-up guy he should talk to you about it. We all know guys aren't always the best at having these types of conversations though. Just do not blame yourself. Besides being slightly irresponsible (yikes.. but no judgement here), you both were involved & he wanted things as much as you. YOu did not "lead him astray."
JAM-the-MAN JAM-the-MAN 9 years
is there any reason why the majority of pictures on dearsugar have asian people in them. has anyone else noticed that?
kurniakasih kurniakasih 9 years
You did NOTHING wrong. If he's THAT fundamentalist, like others have said, it's his own responsibility to stick to his beliefs. The fact that he's easily fallen into "temptation" says very little of his As an ex-church attendee, believe me, there are those who just PORTRAY strictness but in their personal lives, they're just as "bad" as the rest of us sinners :) They behave a certain way in front of a certain crowd then have their "secret" lives. As for relationship, do you really want to continue on with this man? Personally, he seems confused right now, and probably not in both of y'all's best interest to dive into a relationship. But maybe a good honest, logical talk will be great between the two of you. P.S. Get yourself tested, girl. "Religious" or not, you don't know for sure, mm'kay? :) Take care!
theboyslover theboyslover 9 years
don't worry about this one dear. if he did it with u he'll definately do it any other time. u didn't mention u ever held a gun to his head so don't feel so bad. he did it because he wanted to.
Marci Marci 9 years
No, no; you did nothing wrong. HE bought the cigarettes, went into the gay bar without being dragged, and apparently didn't need to have his arm twisted to have sex. So he made his own decisions. I'm guessing that he's struggling with himself over what he was so sure he believed in versus how he behaved that night. None of that was your fault, but I wouldn't expect to hear from him again, either. And no unprotected sex for you ever again. Got it?
Amanda-La Amanda-La 9 years
If he has strong beliefs and lives by them, then he knows how to stay out of trouble and he obviously wasn't trying to.
c0rkie c0rkie 9 years
you should not apologize for your actions. he is an adult as well and knew what he was doing himself. i'm with everybody above.
Jeng112 Jeng112 9 years
He and he alone is responsable for his actions. He could have said "No, this isn't what I want to do" at any time. If he is truly remorseful and confesses his sins to God, then the slate is wiped clean. God understands that we make mistakes. If he is feeling that much guilt, then it probably surprised him that he liked that night so much.
rubialala rubialala 9 years
Dear is right, none of this should be on your conscience. He has to accept responsibility for his own beliefs.
stefsprl stefsprl 9 years
I'm a committed Christian (though nowhere near Fundamentalist), and even though I waited until marriage for sex, I made what I consider to be mistakes in other relationships, and I never blamed the other person. I put myself in the situation, and I had to deal with any consequences. He's a big boy, and he needs to accept responsibility if he's disappointed in himself. Please don't beat yourself up -- NOT YOUR FAULT.
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