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You Asked: Do I Bring It Up or Wait For Him?

Dear Sugar,
I am in my 30s and recently divorced. I started communicating with a guy online about three months ago. We really hit it off, and he seems like a generous, caring person who I have a lot in common with. There is quite a distance between us, but somehow we have managed to meet several times in the last few months. I have really enjoyed our time together and think that I might be really interested in this guy. Because of the distance, I allowed things to get physical earlier than I would under normal circumstances, but there is a definite physical attraction we both can't deny.

I understand that in dating terms, you're not technically in a relationship until he says "Will you be my girlfriend?" but I feel uncomfortable sleeping with someone who could potentially be sleeping with other women. Do I broach this scary subject with him and chance that he'll run for the hills, or do I just protect myself and enjoy this great attraction? — Perplexed Poppy

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Perplexed Poppy,

I'm so excited for you that you met someone you really enjoy — that's so fun! It's perfectly normal to be insecure about any relationships before you've had the BF/GF talk, but knowing whether or not the guy you're dating is sleeping with anyone else is more of a right than a privilege. You said it best, you need to make sure you're safe and protected against STIs, but you also need to protect your heart by finding out if he's emotionally connected to anyone else like he is with you.

Talking about your status with this man will no doubt be nervewracking, but wouldn't you rather know where he stands sooner than later? If you truly feel like he could run for the hills over this, I have to say he probably isn't worth getting involved with in the first place, but if you're just saying that to protect yourself, you'll never know unless you ask the tough questions. The best (and scariest) part of a new relationship is learning all about each other, so use this time to ask for what you want while letting him know how you feel. Good luck!


Join The Conversation
Sugarblonde Sugarblonde 9 years
In normal situations I don't think the "talk" needs to occur. However, given that you are far away and met through a different channel - I think you have to talk to him. No matter how great/perfect you think he is if you haven't asked... you really have no idea what he's doing. It is better to know than to 1) Get something from him :( or 2) Be heartbroken because it is an open relationship.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Considering that you met him online and you may not be in the same state, yes, you do need to bring it up. Dont assume that because you sleep together that he has some sort of commitment to you. Again, you guys dont leave near eachother and havent even talked about it so how do you know he's not seeing other women and/or that you're his girlfriend?
kenziebaby kenziebaby 9 years
I was in a similar pickle with my guy in the beginning-- just that we were physically intimate before we made it official, so one night when we discussing not using condoms anymore (i'm on bc) i was like, "Ok, but it's just us, right?" he was shocked... he was like, it's just been us for three months HAH. just ask, you have the right to and if this gonna be a real relationship, you don't need the arbitrary "will you be my gf?" rule :)
fauxtographic fauxtographic 9 years
Yeah, I'm not sure the "official" conversation about BF/GF status is required, but you should probably ask about the exclusivity factor for the sake of 'playing safe'. You never know, it could be a discussion that leads to finding out more, but I think simply asking "are you sleeping with others, and protecting yourself (and me!) accordingly, and have you been tested recently?" should not be a big deal. the long-distance factor would make it a pain though, as it's not as if you can throw it into random conversation, nor can you really gauge the reaction via email or even on the phone. good luck! :)
javsmav javsmav 9 years
Hmm, well I guess I technically don't have a boyfriend then since he never asked if I'd be his girlfriend. We've been together for over two years!! Please! you don't have to have that awkward relationship conversation to be BF/GF. Sometimes it just happens naturally. In fact, every relationship I've been in, it's just happened. Eventually everyone calls you his girlfriend & he does, too. Not that it's not important to discuss your relationship periodically to make sure you are on the same page, but I think girls get too caught up in having discussions about their relationship that they don't just enjoy what's going on. That said, you totally have the right to ask if he's sleeping with other people, b/c that's just being smart & taking care of your health. Also, even if I'm casually dating someone, I am not cool with sleeping with multiple people. I may not have the right to demand him to stop sleeping around, but I can certainly stop sleeping him.
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