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You Asked: Do I Deserve His Lies?

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I have been married for over four years. Right before we were engaged he was living in another state. When he returned back home, he was very secretive. I snooped through his emails one day, and there were messages from another woman. There was nothing overtly sexual in them, though she did say something about how she's a better woman than me.

It didn't take me long to get over it, but whenever he was out of town for a long period of time, I always felt suspicious. One Summer we were apart for a month and he came home with inappropriate text messages. Things quickly blew up, and I found an email form my husband to another girl complaining about me. This was very hurtful, and again, my trust was broken.

We worked it out, and now three years later, I've been hurt again. My husband said he was going out to dinner with a male business partner, but it turns out it was with two women. He lied directly to my face! I realize I'm a jealous person, and I have definitely snooped, but if I didn't have this feeling in the back of my mind I wouldn't have. But did my jealousy and my snooping drive him to hide things? I don't know that he has ever physically cheated on me, but I feel that he has emotionally. I know he can be a great person, but do I really deserve this?

— Lied To Lacey

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Lied To Lacey,

First and foremost, you do not deserve to be lied to. Though snooping is a violation of privacy, your husband shouldn't need to hide anything from you. And I certainly don't think your actions have lead him to emotionally cheat — that's a choice he makes for himself. Still, there seems to be a cycle of behavior here between the both of you that's very unhealthy. Your husband has been repeatedly dishonest with you and has been since before you were even married, and that's just not OK.

Your relationship lacks trust, communication, and respect; three things every lasting relationship needs. As it stands now, I'm not sure how you can have a happy life together. If you really do want to make your marriage work, it's time to look into couple's counseling to see if this cycle is breakable. Regardless of what happens between you and your husband, I would also seek out individual therapy so you can start working through your personal trust issues.


Join The Conversation
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
I am confused about why you still wanted to marry a man who is dishonest and possibly cheating. Do you deserve to be treated this way? NO Do you have a justifiable cause for snooping? Yes, because obviously he is not a trustworthy person. Is he lying? YES. Is he cheating on you? PROBABLY. You should get individual counselling to decide where you want to go from here. But everyone deserves to be with someone they trust, and you don't deserve to be treated this way.
mushaboom mushaboom 8 years
Get out. You knew even before you were married that he was hiding a relationship on the side (sexual or not, although, come on, he's probably been sleeping with these women). And of course you don't DESERVE his lies. Get out of the relationship and into therapy.
ilanac13 ilanac13 8 years
i almost always agree with the advice here. i think that you're 'accepting' what he does sometimes for a deeper reason. you know that it's not ok to be lied to yet you always let it go and you get past it. forgiving is one thing, but forgetting is another, and we sometimes forget about the things that our men do because we really want to be loved. i don't think that you can blame yourself for what he aren't the one that's telling him to lie to you or to go out with other people when he says that he's doing something else. he's a grown man and i have to believe that he knows that he's doing something wrong. i agree that if you want to stay with him, which is sounds like you do, then you need to see a counselor and talk things out. the fact that your husband is complaining about you to these other women is something that he needs to deal with otherwise there's really no point in staying in an unhealthy relationship
nicklegoat nicklegoat 8 years
Sounds like u already know ur answer u just don't want 2 admit it.
The-Drunk-Lady The-Drunk-Lady 8 years
Knock, Knock. I'm here to pick up "Mr. Denial", said the cab driver. Mr. Denial said, that four years in your mind is long enough.
chow chow 8 years
theres a reason you snooped in the first place. and now that your suspicions have been confirmed, no, you don't deserve this. he lied straight up to your face. no one deserves that.
Muirnea Muirnea 8 years
I agree with people saying he is just making you feel guilty when he shouldn't be. He is just turning it around so he is the bad guy in the situation. I also agree with others saying, I would seriously be questioning this relationship. And I wouldn't be so quick to say he isn't physically cheating on you, he sounds very untrustworthy. My ex made me suspicious and lied all the time and hid things, etc. etc. And I was the crazy psycho gf...b/c of his actions. I am now with another guy. My bf now is the most amazing wonderful guy I have ever met in my entire life, even with my crazy trust issues, I absolutely adore and trust him with my life!!! He would never lie to me about anything or do anything to lose my trust, and guess what? With him, pretty much all of my issues vanished. So to answer your question, no you don't deserve it. The right guy won't make you worry like that at all, especially when you bring the issue to his attention and he realizes it's a problem.
macchiatolove macchiatolove 8 years
I agree with blackwidowchick - you wouldn't have to snoop if you didn't have a 'sense' about this and he's only making you feel guilty as you've caught him in a lie more than once. I would also spend some time apart from him, perhaps get counselling and seriously question your relationship with him. I've been in that situation where I've been made to feel irrational, and you know what? if they were open in the first place, you wouldn't be so upset!
Mesayme Mesayme 8 years
No you don't. Do you want someone to talk you into staying with that POS? It's not gonna be me.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
No one deserves to be treated like shit, in an abstract kind of way. And he's obviously a liar and most likely a serial cheater. Only you can decide if you're willing to put up with it.
Blackwidowchick Blackwidowchick 8 years
I say if he isn't doing anything wrong you wouldn't be snooping. We have a 6th sense about this kind of thing and you should always listen to it. Maybe you are not really a jealous person, maybe your husband is untrustworthy. I used to think I was jealous because my ex always his things from me and I was an irrational, psycho girlfriend because of that always wondering is he cheating. But my husband now, I never have to question that because we are open with each other. If you are having gut instincts, listen to them and move on and find someone who you can trust.
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 8 years
If he's lying, you shouldn't feel guilty for "snooping." He's only blowing up about it because he wants you to feel bad about catching him in a lie. He's proven several times that he can't be trusted. Why are you still with him again?
glam-sugar glam-sugar 8 years
He wouldn't be so upset if he wasn't guilty of something. Yes, accusations hurt but he should eventually understand why you thought that way.
bluesteyes bluesteyes 8 years
ANd remember how brad did all the emotional stuff before they moved onto something else? Having said this, his marriage was in a lot of trouble. Ask yourself is your marriage okay?
bluesteyes bluesteyes 8 years
I think you ought to move out for a month. Or try to save it by going to a therapist which i think won't help. This guy is walking all over you!
talanted08 talanted08 8 years
Being that this man is taking dinner with two other women it makes you wonder what he could possible be doing! I know my man gave me reason's to snoop, watch his phone calls and make sure he was going to the places he informed me about! The reason why this came along was b/c I found a phone ## in his pocket and it wasn't just A # it was one of my friends that I grew up with! It hurt but I felt like I couldn't trust him any more. He had to do a lot to gain his trust back with me and every since this situation happened he's always making sure I know every little detail about him! The advice that I'm trying to give is that you can do all that snooping but when it comes down to it TRUST is what's going to make it work! Take time out and communicate with him to see where his head is besides other activities with out you! Men tend to have there own mind and at times WE WOMEN just aren't part of that!
bikinib7 bikinib7 8 years
You said you realize you are jealous, but this man's behavior has made you jealous. You have forgiven him time after time and he obviously was not sorry because he didn't change. Let him have his dates with women and secret texts... believe me, he'll regret it and you won't after realizing how much better you can do.
bluestar bluestar 8 years
Nah, you don't deserve it. I would let some other woman deal with it and find a REAL man!
MissJules5x MissJules5x 8 years
he's manipulating you to make you feel like its your fault when he lies to you so that you feel guilty enough to stay with him and put up with his bs. newsflash: youre jealous because he lies to you, he has inappropriate meetings and conversations with other women. he's probably not on a business trip when you think he is and if you've caught him so many times how many times do you think he actually did stuff that you didn't catch. honestly this guy is not worth your time and don't ever let someone make you feel like you are being unreasonable for being hurt when their actions are hurtful and deceitful. he's a manipulative asshole and you need to get away from him. take time to heal. and move on. you deserve much better no matter what he tells you.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Offer couples counseling to him. It is the only chance to save your marriage. If he refuses, leave. You life with him sounds like a living hell.
Jude-C Jude-C 8 years
Normally, I'd say that you shouldn't snoop, because it violates the mutual trust a relationship should have, but then again, he did lie, lie repeatedly, and lie about meeting other women, so it's sort of a wash. I don't think you can trust this guy, and maybe it was something in his behavior that subconsciously raised a red flag that caused you to be extra jealous and snoopy in the first place.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
Why are you with this man? Does he earn a lot of money or something?
lemamike lemamike 8 years
The bottom line is you can't trust him. Without trust there is no relationship. If you cannot be sure of what he does when he is away in terms of emotional emails, texts, dinners etc. how can you be sure he does not physically cheat on you? I don't mean to be blunt but i feel that you are way better than him and his lack of respect for you or honesty is hurting your self confidence. It seems that when an issue is resolved one always comes up again within a certain amount of time. You won't want to be dealing with this forever and it seems that issues will just keep arising.
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