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You Asked: Do I Deserve His Lies?

Dear Sugar,

My husband and I have been married for over four years. Right before we were engaged he was living in another state. When he returned back home, he was very secretive. I snooped through his emails one day, and there were messages from another woman. There was nothing overtly sexual in them, though she did say something about how she's a better woman than me.

It didn't take me long to get over it, but whenever he was out of town for a long period of time, I always felt suspicious. One Summer we were apart for a month and he came home with inappropriate text messages. Things quickly blew up, and I found an email form my husband to another girl complaining about me. This was very hurtful, and again, my trust was broken.

We worked it out, and now three years later, I've been hurt again. My husband said he was going out to dinner with a male business partner, but it turns out it was with two women. He lied directly to my face! I realize I'm a jealous person, and I have definitely snooped, but if I didn't have this feeling in the back of my mind I wouldn't have. But did my jealousy and my snooping drive him to hide things? I don't know that he has ever physically cheated on me, but I feel that he has emotionally. I know he can be a great person, but do I really deserve this?

— Lied To Lacey

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Lied To Lacey,

First and foremost, you do not deserve to be lied to. Though snooping is a violation of privacy, your husband shouldn't need to hide anything from you. And I certainly don't think your actions have lead him to emotionally cheat — that's a choice he makes for himself. Still, there seems to be a cycle of behavior here between the both of you that's very unhealthy. Your husband has been repeatedly dishonest with you and has been since before you were even married, and that's just not OK.

Your relationship lacks trust, communication, and respect; three things every lasting relationship needs. As it stands now, I'm not sure how you can have a happy life together. If you really do want to make your marriage work, it's time to look into couple's counseling to see if this cycle is breakable. Regardless of what happens between you and your husband, I would also seek out individual therapy so you can start working through your personal trust issues.


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