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You Asked: Does He Love Me?

Dear Sugar,
I've been dating a guy for four months and things have been going really well. He had no problems committing, treats me like a princess, he's gone out of his way to prove his loyalty to me, and he always incorporates me into his life. I've met his friends, his co-workers, and he recently flew me home to meet his family. He's made plans with me for events months from now and I have every reason to believe he is sincere in his seriousness about me, minus one thing: He hasn't dropped the L Bomb.

While I feel very loved, I need to hear it, not just feel it. It's only been four months, so I don't think it is appropriate to bring it up, but there will come a point where it will be overtly weird for me that he hasn't said it yet. When is that magical point if I haven't hit it already, and how should I bring it up without freaking him out? — I Love Him Lydia

To see DearSugar's answer


Dear I Love Him Lydia,

Since it's only been four months and you say you feel very loved, I'm confused as to why you're putting so much pressure on the L word. Keep in mind that saying I love you means something different for everyone — some people throw around the term while others keep the saying incredibly sacred — and since he's giving you every reason to believe that he's very happy in this relationship, it could just be that he's the latter.

You say that you don't feel it's appropriate to bring it up quite yet, so I'd try your hardest to just be in the moment. Enjoy getting treated like a princess for awhile without fast forwarding your relationship. If it gets to the point where you need that verbal affirmation of his feelings towards you, just ask him or tell him you love him first! Obviously scaring him is an option, but if he's not willing to talk about his feelings with you, he might not be all that great of a guy after all. I hope it all works out in the end — good luck!


Join The Conversation
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
He definitely loves you or he wouldn't have done all of those things for you but he's probably not ready to say it. I've never really understood why people make such a big deal about it anyway. You'll say it when you're ready and most of the time it just happens, you just know one day. If you're so worried about it why don't you say you love him?
RadishSalad RadishSalad 9 years
Maybe he's waiting for the right moment to tell you! I had a guy friend who came to me for advice, asking me when it was the right time to tell his girlfriend that he loved her. So he's probably just waiting for the right setting and time, maybe to make it really romantic.
platinum89 platinum89 9 years
i'm in the same predicament you are. ive been dating this guy for 3 months and he treats me extremely well and certainly acts like he does love me, yet he hasn't said it yet. you are probably thinking "well what if he is too nervous to say it? what if he can't figure out how i feel about him?", well, show him that you love him too. you and i both know it sucks waiting this out, but when he does say it, you'll be ready to reply, with an "i love you too", mean it, and have shown it and proven it. my guy told me up front he wants to take things slow because he wants to be the best boyfriend he can be for me, so i know that i certainly have A LONG TIME until i hear those words. but when he does say it, it'll only make that moment even more important, and it'll probably make me more happier in the long run knowing that he REALLY means it and he's not just throwing it around like "i love golf" (his whole family is into it... the bathroom is golf themed for christ sakes). but if you need to hear it, just listen to the silence you to have together, and look into his eyes. you can hear his love then, and he won't even have to say anything. if he truly loves you, you can definitely feel and here it in this moment. and how fun would a relationship be if you followed a schedule? saying i love you at ___ months, proposal at __ years... talk about BORING.
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 9 years
Be happy with what you have! This guy sounds like he's great! Pushing for something more before he's ready will probably just screw up your relationship.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
I agree with Tomatoshirt. Besides, love is action, it's not words. In my opinion, your boyfriend does love you. It's obvious. And please, don't bring it up. It's immature and somewhat desperate.
Berlin Berlin 9 years
You sound very young! Why are you so hung up on someone telling you they love you? I'd rather be made to feel it than just have the words shelled out at me. You may want to find the route of why you have such a need for the word. And why would he tell you after 4 months?? That is a very short time and if he did tell you after that short of time, then either I can almost put money down that the relationship either wouldn't last or it would be very unhealthy because you sound very dependent and overly emotional about something that really doesn't matter. Don't pressure him and let him say it when he really feels it. Just like not putting a label on a to people that have been married for years and years and you'll see that when the person told them "I love you" or when the decided to be exclusive really doesn't matter in the long run. So you may want to mature a bit before even worrying about taking things to the next step, just for the sake of progressing!
bransugar79 bransugar79 9 years
I think this isn't about the words it's about what he is showing you. My husband and I dated for a while and I told him I loved him when I was sure and it was very early in the relationship. But he didn't feel comfortable saying it back to me. It did make me feel weird at first but then I thouhgt about it and the truth is that it doesn't matter what's "supposed to happen". If you are with someone you know for sure loves you and it takes him awhile to say it then fine. Isn't that a lot better than being with a jerk who says it but doesn't mean it? I know so many women who have been with absoulte A- holes who get away with all kinds of horrible behavior by saying they love the woman. I just think you should chill out a little and as long as he keeps treating you in a way that makes you happy the words can wait
LadyAngel89 LadyAngel89 9 years
Actions speak much louder than words. My ole' man never said that he loved me (and I knew he did anyway) but I went out of town one day and he regretted it horribly when he was unable to show me. If you're confident that he loves you not because you love him, then chances are he does.
karlotta karlotta 9 years
How will you feel if he tells you he loves you BECAUSE YOU ASKED HIM? You will never feel as great about it as if you'd just waited until it came out naturally! That will forever be your memory of it - not him leaning into your ear and blurting it out with awkward and intense emotion, but you going: "so, hey, you haven't told me you loved me yet, what's up with that?" - hmm well, sure, no worries, I do love you!? Yeah, that will warm your heart and make you feel better!! If you feel like you pressured him or put him on the spot, it won't make for the true, real, beautiful sentence that you want. It will sound forced and wrong. And you don't want that! AND it will ruin the moment for him too! What's important in love is not clamoring it outloud every twenty seven seconds; it's proving it with actions, and that's what your guy is doing; so you should be thrilled (how many guys go around saying "I love you" and don't follow up with the actions that prove it?) and let him say it when he's ready. It doesn't mean he doesn't feel it; it just means he's not ready, for a million different potential OKAY reasons, to verbalize it. That's fine, as long as he still treats you so well! And you know, when the time feels right for YOU, because you feel it so strongly and it's the perfect moment, don't hesitate to say it first. That's the only other acceptable option here. Asking him why he's not saying it will just ruin it!
TwistandShout TwistandShout 9 years
Love is just a word, sweetie. It's a word that's nothing without the feelings attached to it, and that's the important part.
aburlock aburlock 9 years
Do people seriously say it that quickly? It was almost two years with my current guy and I. And I was completely fine with it.
geebers geebers 9 years
Actions definitely speak louder than words. Relax and if this is that big a deal -why dont YOU say it??? I mean it seems he is doing everything right...have you ever asked yourself what you are doing for him?
onlybrowncarbs onlybrowncarbs 9 years
I echo what everyone else is saying above. Love shouldn't be rushed. It will happen, but if you are really feeling it, then SAY it first. Rushing to say I love you by a certain time is sort of similar to rushing to get married because you think you need to be by a certain age or you think you need to be by a certain amount of time after dating. Take that step too soon and you will probably regret it later. Right now I am living with someone and we have been living together about 6 months. We have been dating for about a year and four months. We still haven't said the phrase. I had bad experiences with saying "I love you" or having "I love you" said to me too quickly. With two of my boyfriends I have had them say it TWO WEEKS into the relationship. Being young and not thinking and obviously infatuated, I said it back. Within two months, I was dumped. Hard. In my next relationship it was closer to six months when my boyfriend said it to me. I still felt like it was too soon but I felt obligated to say it back because I didn't want him to leave. I later regretted it and spent three years going back and forth fighting with myself over whether I should stay with him. I felt like I *should* love him because I said it, but I was never quite sure. I vowed not to make that mistake again in my current relationship. I would say it when I felt it and truly meant it. Right now, I feel like we are still developing things and while I feel like I do love him, I want to be 100% sure I mean it. I have had some issues in getting over my past relationships, body image issues, and self-confidence and to me I need to love myself before I can freely admit to another person I love them. However, I am also even weird about saying it to my own family, and I don't feel like it's something that should be said constantly. "I love you, now take out the trash..."??? No. Not for me. You know that I love you, but do I always need to say it?
Sporky Sporky 9 years
Don't worry, he WILL say it one day soon, I promise. Just be patient and don't rush.
tomatoshirt tomatoshirt 9 years
action speaks louder than words. Consider yourself lucky.
Red315 Red315 9 years
Let it happen when it happens. You don't want him, or you, to say it just because it seems like the time is here. Waiting will prove that your love is real and true. You don't want it to become just a habit or just a word. The word love is something that should be cherished. The time will come, and when it does you will know it is sincere.
bbkf bbkf 9 years
I've never really understood the big deal with "the L word." The waiting, the worrying, the planning...why? If you love him, tell him so, and if he loves you he should tell you so, too. I'd tell a guy I loved him the moment I met him if I did.
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
I live with my boyfriend and we haven't said that to each other yet! We've been together three months in a week (been friends for 2 years, it's cool) and I would like to be able to say it to him but I want him to crack first. :p
sundaygreen sundaygreen 9 years
Jeesy creesy let it happen spontaneously and don't be such a slave to what you think 'should' happen.
crystalvillage06 crystalvillage06 9 years
Four months is kind of soon for a lot of people. I think it's important to focus on how he treats you at this point and the love stuff will come when the time is right.
pinkprincess1101 pinkprincess1101 9 years
why are people in such a rush to have someone tell them they love them especially after 4 months, it will happen when the time is right, let it be, love is a powerful word
TidalWave TidalWave 9 years
if a guy told me he loved me within four months, i wouldn't believe him! way too soon!
bengalspice bengalspice 9 years
At least he knows how to make you feel loved. Cherish that and don't worry about the L word ... it will come when the time is right ... and four months in is still really early.
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