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You Asked: Does He Want to Sleep with Another Woman?

Dear Sugar --

My boyfriend told me that just because he loves me, it doesn't mean he doesn't want to have sex with other people. What the hell? In my opinion, it's OK to find other people attractive but if you really love someone, it doesn't seem right that you would actually want to have sex them! I know he isn't cheating on me and I don't believe that he's interested in anyone else, but I do think if I gave him permission to have sex with someone else, he might! How am I supposed to take that? It's been a while since he's said anything about it but it's eating away at me and I can't seam to let it go. Help! -- Confused Constance

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Confused Constance --

Wow, I have to tell you Constance, a statement like that would eat away at me too! Without knowing the context of your conversation, it's hard to grasp what his intentions are. Was he trying to say he doesn't believe in monogamy or was he saying he wants to see other people and have an open relationship? Since you're committed to this man, it's important to get to the bottom of this asap. If he isn't happy, you as a couple, need to figure out what's missing in your relationship and decide if it's worth fixing.

Feeling insecure in your relationship can't feel very good so if you truly believe that your boyfriend would sleep with someone else if given the permission and opportunity, you might want to reconsider this partnership. Not only is it emotionally unfair to you to doubt him, but sleeping around isn't healthy in terms of spreading STIs. At the end of the day, you're going to have to trust your gut instincts and decide if you want to be with someone that might not have the same views about what a committed relationship is all about. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
Bevaleee78 Bevaleee78 9 years
Ugh, I was in a very similar situation last year. My "boyfriend" didn't believe in monogamy, but I liked him so much that I kind of glazed over it. He ended up sleeping with my friend a few months later. Needless to say, I don't talk to him anymore, but it was very painful and I was in a bad place for a little while. You should ask him to clarify what he really means, and if it is that he doesn't believe in monogamy, get out now! You'll just get hurt.
honeysugar28 honeysugar28 9 years
I'm surprised with some of the posts here. Honestly I agree that he just said the wrong thing. The important thing is that he hasn't cheated if he ever does then you deal with his mistake when it happens in the mean time why worry over something that has not happened? We all can be faced with a temptation at any moment its the actions that we take that are in our control.
barjar1122 barjar1122 9 years
Dont let it eat away at you. Have him clarify and then you be honest and tell your true feelings.
ccalm ccalm 9 years
WOW I would be so sick to my stomach is my other half ever said that!!!! I completely understand how you feel and My advise to you is to tell him how you feel and to have a discussion with him because if you act as if it never happened it will eat you alive. I hope all works out for you doll!!
Historygal3 Historygal3 9 years
I think monogamous sex in unnatural, so I understand where he's coming from. However, because my husband feels as strongly about monogamy as you do I respect him and don't share my goods. I think it would be best to aknowledge how he feels (don't tell him you think anything is wrong with him), but strongly state that you what a monogamous relationship and that you won't settle for less. Then let him decide.
BeachBarbie BeachBarbie 9 years
WTF!? That's insane. It's also a giant red flag. I wouldn't tolerate this for one second. It's fine to find other people attractive, but one shouldn't want sex with anyone except their spouse..that is one of the points of getting married. :oy: Figure out where he is coming from asap. Then, decide whether to cut your losses... or not. Maybe, he was saying it in a different context..but he sure used the wrong words. Anyway, I hope he just used the wrong words..for meaning something else. The best of luck, sweetie. :hug:
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
Your boyfriend just put his foot in his mouth. I'm sure every guy at one point or another has fantasized about having sex with someone other than their GF. In fact, many of the bastards act on it. I just think your BF was accidentally too honest, and as long as he says he intends to remain faithful, and you trust that, I don't see a problem.
Ikandy Ikandy 9 years
Even if he didnt mean it in the worst way (he actually is wanting to sleep with other women), he needs to know that statements like that hurts your feelings, and to be more considerate of u. Although, what he said was pretty clear, and pretty WRONG...there isnt much interpreting needed! Its one thing to wonder, but to actually say this to ur partner...Oy! Good luck sweetie.
ChelseaGirl ChelseaGirl 9 years
I agree with some of the other posts here. It sounds like he meant that he's still attracted to other women, despite being in a loving and committed relationship with you. If this is the case, it's completely normal for guys AND girls. As long as you trust him not to cheat, then there is no cause for concern. To me, it just sounds like guy-speak. I wouldn't fret. Talk to him about it, but remember that you love and trust him and he probably just didn't realize the way you were interpreting his words.
k8-rckstr k8-rckstr 9 years
Im going to take a different side on this one... I think what your boyfriend MAY have meant was that, even though he loves you very much, he still fantasizes about sex with other women. And hey, at least he's being honest, right? I mean, what woman can honestly say they don't look at a picture of Mr. Pitt and think "Damn, I wonder what he's like?" haha... I dont know, I could be wrong...and maybe it is a big RED FLAG... but in my opinion, I wouldn't let it bother me until I felt like there was a reason to.
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
If he TRULY loves you, then he should respect your need to be in a sexually monogamous relationship. Love is about respect. If he is going to disrespect you by going against your preferences and wishes to be sexually monogamous, then he doesn't really love you. It's that simple. If he really wants to leave the door open to cheat, you don't want him around.
onesong onesong 9 years
i think that was more a comment that he didn't think through (albeit one that hurt you very much). i mean seriously, what does "being attracted" to someone else really mean? when it all boils down to it, it means you want to have sex with them. right? you wouldn't say you were "attracted" to your best friend, know what i mean, jellybean? i think you should tell him that he's a big ass and that you need clarification: was he saying he wants to sleep with other people ACTUALLY or did he mean that he's attracted to other people and wouldn't think of ACTUALLY sleeping with them. if it's the first, kick him to the curb, if it's the second, let him know how he came across and tell him that i say he's a moron. :-D good luck!
nicachica nicachica 9 years
btw, i don't want to invalidate your feelings cuz i know how it feels to have a not-so-sensitive boyfriend! just talk to him and clear the air...i think it will make you feel a lot better. HUGS!
nicachica nicachica 9 years
ummm, i think that you're overreacting just a teensy bit. it honestly sounds like he just said something that guys think but don't necessarily SAY (especially in such dumb terms!) and it doesn't sound like he intends to cheat on you. sorry, but if Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison were still alive and young, you better believe i'd want to have sex with them, boyfriend or not! (yes i do have a bf). Shoooot...i see hot guys all the time and my hormones go raging even though i wouldn't actually ACT on my feelings because i love my boyfriend so much. seriously, its just human nature to have these feelings whether we're in monogamous relationships or not. sounds like you're boyfriend was trying to say that but he ended up saying in a very insensitive way!
Cynnie Cynnie 9 years
Talk to him about it...Really. Make everything clear to him...and if he really is SERIOUS about all of this. Get out... I accept that my boyfriend finds other women attractive because let's face it were not the only female in the world. The rule that I have is ' look but do not touch ' and that's all very clear to him lol.
Jeng112 Jeng112 9 years
BIG RED FLAG. If he thinks it's ok to sleep with other women, chances are he's not going to ask for permission if the opportunity arises. I'm also guessing that he wouldn't want you sleeping around, and he already knows your take on what a relationship should be. GET OUT NOW. If he loves you, he'll rescind his statement. HAVING YOU SHOULD MAKE GIVING UP OTHER WOMEN EASY!
sparkle-sugar sparkle-sugar 9 years
It seems you guys have different priorities and values in your relationship. It would probably be better to work out by asking him whether he would want to actually sleep around or if he is simply attracted to other women. I guess you have to ask yourself whether you can accept that because I honestly don't think you can change a guy to that extent. Just remember - dont freak out over nothing - if he's not making it into a huge deal then its probably not really important to him. Us women seem to have the tendency of selective hearing and overthinking what may be casual observances. Good luck; hope this helps you.
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