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You Asked: Doesn't He Deserve a Second Chance?

You Asked: Doesn't He Deserve a Second Chance?

Dear Sugar--

Last week, I was at my boyfriend's home and we got into an argument. We were drinking and the fight escalated into a screaming match. He called me some terrible names and proceeded to get my family involved in our problem. That night, after I got home, he continued calling my mother and threatened her job. He also called her a name. After this situation, we broke up and didn't speak for over a week. I got angry that he never tried to apologize and swore that we would never be together again. I was angry and hurt. My mom was my shoulder.

Time passed, and he finally called to apologize to me after he had time to assess the situation. He also called my mother and wrote her a letter to apologize to her. However, my mother now refuses to have anything to do with him. She will not accept his calls or letters. This was an isolated incident and I am certain that he is deeply sorry. Though he can never take these words back, I am a forgiving person and do not want to throw away 2 years over one mistake. My mom is not swayed. Her opinion of him has changed entirely and she does not agree with me seeing him. We are not back together - we are giving it time to see if we are meant to be - but what should I do when the time comes to tell her we are working it out? Doesn't he deserve a second chance?

--Forgiving Frieda

To see DEARSUGAR's Answer

Dear Forgiving Frieda--

You have to understand that your mom is looking out for your physical and emotional safety. Ultimately, it is not up to her to "accept" your boyfriend, although I understand that that is what you hope. The thing is, he involved her in the fight too, and although he has apologized, for your mom it sounds like one explosive outburst was one too many.

If you forgive him deep in your heart, and chalk this up to a one-time thing, then I understand why you would still want to be with him. Are you at all concerned that he could lose his temper again? I am sure your mom is worried that could happen which is probably the reason why she does NOT want you two to be together.

For your mom to forgive him, it might take a long time, or she may never forgive him at all. He will have to prove he's worthy of her trust and forgiveness by treating you with the love and respect that you deserve. Continue to keep up the close relationship and open communication you have with your mother. Time is a great healer and hopefully your boyfriend will prove himself to both of you. Good luck!


Join The Conversation
tinyspark tinyspark 10 years
Listen to your mom. And don't ever let someone disrespect you or your family like that again. Kick his sorry ass to the curb already.
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 10 years
The relationship should really be kept between you and him, and should really never involve your mother. But, he was the one who brought your mother into this. It sounds really complicated and there probably isn't a lot any of us here can tell you... but it sounds like he doesn't respect you or your mother at some level and has been holding it in mostly. No argument should ever get that heated. Your mother is right to try and protect you from him.
highsociety1 highsociety1 10 years
I agree 100% with jennifer76, although I think this incident was insight into his actual character, rather than out of it. Even in the heat of the most horrendous argument, there's nothing I could say or do to my man that would cause him to involve my mother, threaten her job, or call her a name. Absolutely nothing. I too think it will only get worse from here.
Vdogg Vdogg 10 years
Alcohol can definately prevent us from thinking clearly.. but it seems as though he was sober enough to realize what he was doing since he had full recollection of what happend the next day. Had he been drunk enough not to realize what he was doing at the time, then it would be forgivable. But it seems as though he has some resentful feelings towards your mom. I don't know what you were fighting about, but it's strange that a fight between the two of you would end up involving your mom so heavily. It sounds like he's had something against her for a while.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
how long has she been your mother and how long has he been your boyfriend? there are other men out there. you didn't "throw away" 2 years; he did when he acted the way he did.
nicachica nicachica 10 years
if my boyfriend did that, i would dump him and leave him. you did the right thing and now the only thing is to stay out of contact with him. i know its been two years and you don't want to just throw it away but some things are non-negotiables and threatening my mother or any member of my family are at the top of the list. sounds like it is for you to. good luck!
Vsugar Vsugar 10 years
Did he and your mother get along before? I had a serious boyfriend a few years back, and his mother was a NIGHTMARE and hated me upon sight. We were civil with each other (mostly because I kept my mouth shut when she made nasty comments to me), but never REALLY got along. One day, we got into a HUGE screaming match, and all that anger over two years that had built up exploded in me, and... well, let's just say it was bad. Anyway, she said she didn't want to have anything to do with me after that, and you know what? He said he didn't care, because she CLEARLY didn't want anything to do with me EVER!! Anyway, the relationship ended for other reasons, but it makes me wish I had more info about your situation. If they had always liked each other and gotten along really well, and he behaved in this way to her, I would get out and STAY out, and accept his apology only insofar as it extends to your sense of self - wish him luck, but don't let him be a part of your life anymore. If, on the other hand, they have always had a rocky relationship... well... sometimes nice people just can't take it anymore and explode. It sounds to me like everything has been fine before now though, and I think that unless he is willing to seek counselling to understand why he behaved this way under the influence of alcohol, you need to move on to greener pastures. This is NOT someone you want to be raising children with. Is that how you would want him to act towards your children? Think about that, and then decide if he's the man you want. Tell him - thank you for your apology. Good luck to you. Buh BYE!!!!!
jennifer76 jennifer76 10 years
This is not a normal overreaction. Calling your mother and threatening her is ridiculously extreme. This was his first "out of character" action. Most likely, it only gets worse from here. You were right to break it off. Your mother is right to not want anything to do with him. Listen to your mother.
Calimie Calimie 10 years
Be extremely careful. One thing is a fight but to call your mother and threaten her is too much. I think that your mother is right: that man is no good. He may seem repent now but you don't know when he will behave like that again. Leave him!
Ladytronic Ladytronic 10 years
i could never date someone who disrespected my mom like that,especially if he threatened her job , it just shows he doesn't have any respect for you or her. dump him and don't look back
Debbie-Dee Debbie-Dee 10 years
tell him to kick rocks....he's a psychopath and will repeat this outburst in the future...
junebrug junebrug 10 years
Calling your mother and threatening her is over the line. It's over every line, I don't care if the guy was so drunk he couldn't stand up. If you do proceed (which I think you ought to think long and hard about), do so with caution. You're expecting too much from your mother. It's unfair to to unload this on her and use her as your "shoulder", telling her how horrible he is, and then in the next breath, expect her to be happy you're getting back together. She just wants to protect you. She doesn't want to get a phone call that her daughter is dead because the guy got drunk and decided to beat you to death this time. As annoying as I know it is, often, mamma knows best.
laluna laluna 10 years
I agree just take it slow. I don't know, it annoys me that people are acting as though she had no part in the name calling and such. For a fight to escalate like that i'm sure she didn't just sit back and take it...
hills hills 10 years
my opinion no way, thats so disrespectful to u calling u these names and then calling ur mum, threatening and then disrespecting her! i wouldnt want to talk the guy again if he said somthing nasty to my family, id b really embarrased. i think u might b in the stage that most people get when a relashionship is ended or close, ur scared of being on ur own and the unknown, truth b told it might b scary, but wouldnt u rather break it off than knowing that he isnt really that gr8 a person when u could do so much better, mayb u could have fun on ur own with ur girl freinds for a while or do some dating and then see if u still want to work it out.
megagirl megagirl 10 years
I second what a lot of people say. Do not get back together with this guy. The way he acted will come out again, and you don't want a verbally abusive person around, much less one that will go as far as making calls to outside parties to try to hurt someone. He is a disaster waiting to happen...and imagine if you ever had kids together and what you might be subjecting them to.
angelbaby2 angelbaby2 10 years
martini-queenie martini-queenie 10 years
When you say you don’t want to throw away two years over one mistake, I can’t help but think you’re throwing away more of your time with a guy who behaved in an entirely inappropriate manner. Was this really a completely isolated incident? Somehow I doubt that he doesn’t do things like this (to a lesser degree) with some frequency…
rb24 rb24 10 years
VERBAL ABUSE IS ABUSE!! Think really hard is this the first time he has blown up at you. Be careful your on a slippery slope
fab4 fab4 10 years
Fluffyhelen I HOPE you're kidding around. And, no, I wouldn't forgive him. Alcohol isn't a good excuse to be mean to you and your family.
Pink_Lipstick Pink_Lipstick 10 years
I agree with most of the commentors when I say that this guy doesn't sound like a very nice person. Couples fight, sure. But usually people have the respect (for themselves and for others) to keep it between them. Going after your mother sounds totally immature and rude and I don't blame her for refusing to have anything to do with him. Alcohol is NOT an excuse. I would walk away from this guy forever.
grl-in-the-world grl-in-the-world 10 years
OMG, get rid of this guy!!! ASAP!! He blew it!! You can do so much better than him and you deserve someone who treats you and your family with respect. If my bf ever said anything bad to my mom I'd lock him out of the house and have his shit packed by the next day.
Marci Marci 10 years
I agree with popgoestheworld on this one. And I don't see anywhere in there that the mother is jealous of the relationship. This guy went waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too far. Alcohol is no excuse for stalking, abusive behavior. Everyone knows what they're doing when they're drunk - they just don't care. Personally, I wouldn't give this guy 5 more minutes of my time.
RoseSignet RoseSignet 10 years
This experience should show you that this man will probably repeat his behavior. If he has the gall to treat you AND your mother this way then it is time for him to be gone. You can find a much better man who wouldn't dream of being such jerk. If you continue with this man, you'll just doom yourself to be in an abusive relationship. Be strong and move on.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
Your boyfriend called your mom during a fight, and threatened her job? That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. Like you, I wouldn't have stood for it in a second and would have broken up. An apology one week later wouldn't do it for me. To forgive in this case, it would have to take a repeated effort and anger management courses.
calibabi calibabi 10 years
pretty much everyone deserves a second chance...but not everyone deserves a third or a fourth chance. i think you're on the right track, just giving it some time and seeing what happens.
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