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You Asked: Will they Ever Get Along?

Dear Sugar--
My amazing, loving boyfriend of over a year dislikes a really close girlfriend of mine. He dislikes her to the point he will avoid being around her. The problem is I am moving into an apartment with her in a few months, I told him about my plans and he said he won't visit me. He says that is the "consequence" of moving in with someone he doesn't approve of. He doesn't mind me living with her but he refuses to have anything to do with her. It all started when they had an argument a while back, it was a minor thing. We were at a dinner party with friends and he was acting very standoffish and she questioned him about his behavior.

Needless to say she wasn't nice about it and he left the party because he was irritated. The next time they bumped heads it was my fault, I told about some issues I was having with him and she asked his friend about it. My boyfriend didn't like her discussing him behind his back and completely wrote her off. She doesn't even know that he really dislikes her because they haven't had any other reason to interact for the whole year that I have been with him. I want to resolve the problem between both of them before it gets worse. What do I do? --In the Middle Millie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear In the Middle Millie--
It is always tough when your best friend and boyfriend don't get along so I see why you are at a loss. In most instances, jealousy is a driving factor for those two important figures in one's life to butt heads.

Moving in with your best friend could create serious tension in your relationship with your boyfriend. Have you already signed a lease? If not, I advise you to give your living situation a second thought. You want to be comfortable in your own home and your boyfriend shouldn't feel like he can't, or doesn't want to come see you.

With that said, separating them completely might make matters worse. Do they even know each other well enough to be certain they don't like each other? Have they ever sat down and hashed out their differences? While there is nothing you can do to force these two to like each other, let them both know how important they are to you and how much it would mean if they could at least try to be civil to each other, especially with this new living situation.

It sounds as though their dislike towards each other has no real merit, so hopefully in time, they can put aside their differences and learn to get along. after all, they have at least one thing in common-- they both love you! I wish you luck.


Join The Conversation
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
if this was the girl wanting to get the guy to make the same choice i think the responses would be very different. people who love you want the best for you. unless there is something distructive in your relationship with your future roomie your bf is being unfair.
schar schar 10 years
I am a counselor and I just wanted to add my input. There are definite elements of control in this relationship. Control issues are almost always precursors to some sort of abuse, either emotional, verbal, or physical. Please look closely at your relationship and how this guy makes you feel. If he makes you feel guilty and like you are doing things to upset him more than he is making you feel like the best possible version of yourself, then please reconsider him being your boyfriend. Remember also that if this is a good friend that you trust, she may be seeing things that you are blind to.
t0xxic t0xxic 10 years
Im totally with Jen on this. And as for does it get any better nope.... my hubby and my best friend have been hating each other for over a year now bc she to butted her head where it didnt belong and he doesnt forgive and he doesnt get why on earth i still talk to her. i dont either but when you have as little friends as i do, u dont let one go easy lol GL with this. --- Im t0xic your slippin under
kendalheart kendalheart 10 years
WOW...just try to be positive there are a lot of negatives though but try and look past them.
andaman andaman 10 years
Best of luck with your apartment.
andaman andaman 10 years
shy-baby if he is a nice boy then I'm sure he can put up with your best friend. She is your friend and he has to live with it. As for your friend, she has to be civil around him also. Don't take side and just get on with it. Good luck girl. By the way I think you are brave to move in with your best friend because living with a friend can be hard. It can ruin a friendship. You might annoy one another. When you are fighting with her about her habit don't include your boyfriend in this fight though.
Megg21 Megg21 10 years
Have you seen the Hills?! Maybe someone else mentioned this but it's worth watching. Everytime it seems like your friend has been watching your back for you.....oh Heidi and Spencer.
shy_baby shy_baby 10 years
Thanks Jennifer76, I hadn't thought about it like that... and 'a gentle rain' ur comment had me lmao. But yes, he really used the word "consequence". He is a sweetheart though, he is not a control freak. He apologized for talking to me that way.
a-gentle-rain a-gentle-rain 10 years
jennifer76 you have a point there.... hmmm. I didn't think about it like that, but that does make sense. I love these posts cuz I get to hear so many POVs.
jennifer76 jennifer76 10 years
Sorry, not *your* comments as in the person with the question. I meant most of the comments in the thread.
a-gentle-rain a-gentle-rain 10 years
I mean no disrespct towards preschool teachers at all. I believe they provide a sound basis for education. I only meant that consequence was a word I heard in preschool a lot. (it was a religious preschool, and I was a naughty kid)
jennifer76 jennifer76 10 years
I don't know, I have to disagree with most of your comments and say that I think your *girlfriend* sounds pretty controlling. It almost sounds like she was trying to sabotage your relationship, IMO. I can't imagine one of my friends confronting the man *I* choose to date because they think he's being too standoffish. And then talking to his friend about personal issues that you confided in her...? She's acting more like a mother than a friend. A friend should respect your choices and be a friend by listening, not by meddling. Do you really want to live with someone who thinks she can deal with your problems better than you can?
a-gentle-rain a-gentle-rain 10 years
consequence? He is should not be giving you an ultimatum like that. And did he really say consequence? God. What kind of preschool teacher control freak is this guy?
bluejeanie bluejeanie 10 years
this guy sounds pretty controlling...i hope it all works out for the better but i'm not sure if this guy sounds like good long term material. once he figures out that he can control you through emotional blackmail once, he'll do it again. good relationships have tons of respect.
Marci Marci 10 years
I came back to check out what other people may have said because I was having some second thoughts about my comments. I agree with whoever said you should just live your life but not let them argue in your apartment.
DearSugar DearSugar 10 years
Shy Baby, it seems like you have weighed all your options, so the best thing you can do at this point is trust your instincts and listen to your gut. I hope it everything works out with you and your boyfriend AND your girlfriend.
kendalheart kendalheart 10 years
This is wrong that people are telling you that you have choosen, you do not and should not have to make that decision. Your gf is looking out for your best needs, who knows what will end up happening with this guy, you do not want to loose friendship over a guy it is almost never worth it!
andaman andaman 10 years
Make sure your friend acts nicely around him also. Don't allow them to fight in your apartment. I think you are dealing with two head strong individuals here. Good luck girlfriend.
andaman andaman 10 years
shy_baby yes i hope he changes his mind about her ! I don't like one of my friends' husband but I put up with it. I talk to him normally but I think he knows I feel kind of funny. I've never said anything to her though! I think it's a bit rude of your boyfriend to tell you off for moving in with your friend. He should learn to be more polite and a lot more flexible than that. It isn't a lot to ask for him to be a little kind to your friend.
shy_baby shy_baby 10 years
Nah Marci, I haven't chosen her. I have confronted both of them but I can't force them to change their opinions/behavior so i am leaving it alone. I am going to be living with her for 6 months at most because it will help us both financially, during that time i think he will evaluate whether he cares about me enough to change his mind about visiting.
Marci Marci 10 years
It's always awful when people you care about in your life force you to choose one over the other. The relationships *should* be able to continue separately, and in this case they probably could have except for the new living situation. I hate to point this out, but you had to know there would be problems when you decided to get an apartment with your best friends. That seems obvious based on the history with her and your boyfriend. So you must have known on some level there might be an ultimatum of some sort as a result. I think subconsciously you've already chosen your girlfriend. But if I'm wrong and you want to keep the boyfriend, think twice about the plans with live with the friend he hates.
shy_baby shy_baby 10 years
All this is really good advice. Thanks Everyone. My bf is not controlling at all so that is not the problem. I won't be moving in with my friend for about 3 months and we haven't signed a lease, so I can still change my mind. My boyfriend is being childish and I admit my friend was rude. She was looking out for me though, my relationship was still in its early stages (and I had been burned from a previous relationship)when she talked to his friend about my problem with my bf. For now, I've decided to leave things alone and let them come around on their own time. I'll let time do what it does best and just stop stressing the issue. Love: 1 Corinthians 13
kendalheart kendalheart 10 years
I think he is being completely selfish and there is no reason that you should not be able to move in with your friend. Just as she needs to accept that he is in your life, he needs to do the same when it comes to her! That is a very catty statement he made about your friend and if he loves you and wants to spend time with you, then he will get over his baby ways. THey dont need to like each other but because they both love you they need to accept it, there is nothing else about that!
YanksBella YanksBella 10 years
I have definitely been in a similar situation and I know how frustrating it can be. In my situation, it was my boyfriend's best friend who I did not get along with. There's really nothing you can do to make your boyfriend like your friend/roomate, they have to work it out themselves. One of them needs to take the initiative to contact the other or sit down and talk. You can't be stuck in the middle of it, even though you feel like you are. Once someone takes the first step in trying to work things out, then that may help your decision and you will see things more clearly. If your boyfriend isn't willing to do that, then there's nothing you can do to make him and I think you should move in with the friend and reconsider your relationship with your boyfriend. Make sure they both know how this situation is making you feel and it's not fair to you! Good luck!
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 10 years
If you don't want to strain your relationship with your loving and amazing boyfriend then I wouldn't move in with this girl. Otherwise, instead of being a small issue, this is going to become an issue that you deal with on a regular basis. Other advice... I would stop venting to your GF about problems with your BF, since she clearly has no discretion as to whom she should share that info with. As for making your BF like her, I don't think you can force that. But you can always speak positively about her or mention nice things that she does in front of him so you might subconsciously alter his opinion. I don't blame your BF for being pissed that she called him out for behaving a certain way at a dinner party. I have no idea what your BF was doing, but in general, publicly putting someone on the spot is pretty rude. She kinda sounds like a loudmouth.
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