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You Asked: Their Friendship Hurts Me

Dear Sugar,

I've been with my fiance for two years now. He is the absolute love of my life, so when he recently proposed, I didn't hesitate to say yes! Before we dated, I dated his best friend for four years. My ex and I were broken up for close to two years before my fiance and I got together, but it still ended their friendship.

They have recently started to talk and become friends again, but it's causing quite a rift in our relationship. My ex could quite possibly be the biggest jerk in the world — he was threatening, jealous, and emotionally abusive toward me, and I don't want him in my life in any way, shape, or form. My fiance, on the other hand, thinks that their friendship is separate from our relationship, but it has already affected our otherwise perfect relationship. I don't want to seem unreasonable so how should I handle this situation? — He's Causing a Rift Ritta

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear He's Causing a Rift Ritta,

I'm sorry to hear that your relationship is going through some turmoil right now, but I'm sure your fiance has really missed his best friend throughout the years, so I'm not all that surprised that they're trying to rebuild their relationship. Instead of letting him taint this exciting time in your life, open up to your finance and explain how you feel.

Since you can't tell him who he can and cannot be friends with, you guys are going to have to come to a middle ground. If you need closure from your ex, now is the time to get it, but if you're not ready to go back to that time in your life, ask your fiance to respect your needs and understand your position. I can see how this could cause a rift in your relationship so keep the lines of communication open and ask for whatever you need to feel comfortable about their friendship. Good luck to you.


Join The Conversation
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
I agree with someone else that said that you should tell your fiance exactly what happened in your relationship with your ex. Tell your current fiance the ways in which he was abusive to you and how much it hurt you. Then, if he still wants to hang out with him, and you cannot handle it, your fiance can hang out with him when you are not there. When he is gone, plan a fun night with friends so that you are not thinking about it. You can't control who your fiance is friends with, but at the same time you can tell him what your ex did to you and why you don't feel comfortable around him. You have no obligation to be around your ex if you are not comfortable with it, but I don't think you can tell your guy who he can and cannot be friends with, especialy considering that you are the reason they are no longer friends. Good luck to you.
Bearwoman Bearwoman 8 years
Ach. Such rage. I'm going to go eat some ice cream out here in the world. Signing out.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
I don't see anything wrong with dating your ex's best friend either. You get to know somebody and provided your ex isn't bothered about it I don't see the issue. We're all free spirits~
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
I have a similar situation! I am with my ex's best friend because we're just BETTER with each other than me and my ex were. We just happened to meet through my ex and nobody was really too bothered about it. We'd been friends for about 2 or so years before getting together. However! Like your situation my ex was manipulative, he cheated on me, he was emotionally abuse, had serious anger issues and would fly off the handle at a moment's notice. My boyfriend is understanding of what happened between me and my ex but at the same time considers it separate. Men compartmentalise things I guess. How do I handle it? Well, their friendship was there before I came along so I just go with it. I avoid my ex at all costs and will hang out if the occasion requires it. I've learnt to stick up for myself. When I can hear my ex's voice CHANGE I just stand up to him now! The other day he said something like "you'll be smiling out the other side of your face if you say that again" and I was initially shocked but I just told him calmly that he can't speak to me like that anymore. Stick up for yourself.
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
Bearwoman, at what point did I say they got together before they broke up? I said they got together while there were still unresolved feelings and obviously the best friend didnt okay it with the exboyfriend before breaking the #1 rule of friendship: Don't date/f*ck your best friend's ex. Plain and simple.
Bearwoman Bearwoman 8 years
Fallen, she says she hooked up with her current man two years after her ex. How do you get that she was having sex with him before the breakup...? I'm confused. Anyway, this is a delicate situation. Dear is right, negotiation and an open line of communication is probably the best approach.
MzKita MzKita 8 years
Grow up! Obviously, you've let something terrible go to make room for something (and someone) rejoice!! Honestly, certain things aren't important to men and they don't typically hold you said, in his mind he has separated that friendship from your relationship, and you should too.
Spectra Spectra 8 years
My husband has a few d-bags for friends, too. My solution? I let HIM go hang out with them so I don't have to deal with them. We both win: he gets to see his buddies, I usually hang out with my sis or my friends and when he comes home we're BOTH in a better mood.
RunninginBoston RunninginBoston 8 years
It depends. If this guy was really, truly threatening and abusive, then she should not feel pressured at all to "grow up" and accept their friendship. The fiance isn't necessarily bad for wanting to be friends with this guy. If the guy really was abusive, he is probably manipulative and can be amazingly charming when he wants to be. Unless she's told her fiance exactly what her relationship was like with this guy, her fiance may have only ever met Mr. Nice Guy. If this was a true abusive relationship, then she should definitely tell her fiance. If he doesn't believe her or discounts it, then that might be a warning sign about her future husband.
sprinkibrio sprinkibrio 8 years
Oh, and don't invite the ex to your wedding. There is no reason to keep it a secret from him that you'd rather avoid him altogether.
sprinkibrio sprinkibrio 8 years
Have you explained why you don't like your ex? It's obvious that the ex doesn't behave in any awful way to your fiancee since they want to be friends. So maybe he is not that bad... it can be easy to only remember the bad. I'd say forgive the ex. No one is perfect and no one likes an ex after a breakup that is not mutual. If it was that bad, I'm sorry, but you can still forgive. There is no need to forget, however, so I would never be in a situation where I had to talk with him for more than a few minutes. Don't feel like you need to hang out with the two of them together, and tell your fiance you don't want him to mention the guy in casual conversation. If you are at the same party, suck it up. It gets easier with time.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
I'm a little conflicted about this one. I mean, let's say that threatening and emotionally abusive aren't exaggerations. Let's say he threatened her life and stalked her or something. In that case, I would side with the poster. But, if "emotionally abusive" means that he called her a bitch, that's a different story. Not that calling someone names is a good thing, but it's a far cry from threatening someone's life etc. I'm not one for telling my boyfriend what he can and can't do. I don't appreciate it when people do it to me so I try not to do it to them. However, only you know if this is a true deal breaker or not. And if it is, don't be afraid to ask for what you want.
mariechéri mariechéri 8 years
This is the first time I've ever commented but I've been following this site forever... So.... I've had a similar experience so maybe it will help: I also had an emotionally and abusive relationship before and I completely understand the feeling of never ever wanting to see him or even hear about him. The idea of running into my ex someday has become a fear. Also if you boyfriend knows all the sh*t that this guy put you through I don't see how he could even respect this ex of yours. And your ex being an abuser is much more than just being a jerk, and I hope that your boyfriend does not want to be friends with someone who has hurt you. If you haven't told him about your relationship with your ex, you should do so and then see how he acts about his "best friend." It's hard to move on from a abusive relationship and his friendship with your ex shouldn't force you to move too fast. If he has ( I don't know why) to be best friends with him just request that your ex will not be in contact with you, For example they could hang out outside of your house. I understand the growing up thing that Fallen85 says, but people date in friend circles anyways so dating others friends isn't uncommon. AND I think you should not have to face a ex that was abusive ever, no one can ask that of you.
dm8bri dm8bri 8 years
Fallen said it all. I agree with the point that if their friendship ended over you and your fiance getting together 2 YEARS after the breakup, obviously there were unresolved issues. Maybe if those were taken care of you wouldn't have so much of a problem with the new developments. Also, why would you date an abusive person for that long? Did other people not have the same experience with him? If that's true, you're going to have a hard time convincing your fiance, or anyone else, that he's bad news.
oohsexypenguin oohsexypenguin 8 years
Totally agree with Fallen. Move on - seems like everyone else has.
pippins_halfling pippins_halfling 8 years
Fallen85 brings up great points!
mamasitamalita mamasitamalita 8 years
amen, Fallen85, to all points!
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
My fiance has a bunch of friends that I cant f*cking stand but I put up with them and even hang out with them for the sole reason that they make my man happy. He does so much for me that the least I can do is put up with his douchebag friends every once in a while.
Fallen85 Fallen85 8 years
You ultimately started f*cking your ex boyfriend's best friend and it just happened to turn into a wonderful and long term relationship. Your fiance broke one of the most important rules in friendship by going out with you and obviously there were some unresolved feelings between you and your ex or else they never would have stopped being friends. Neither of you asked how your ex would feel if you two got together so really, how would you have reacted if your ex started dating and then marrying YOUR best friend?? After so much time has passed they're acting like adults and trying to rebuild their friendship. They were BEST friends! You're just standing there being a strong negative force making them both have to struggle to get back to their once strong friendship. Put yourself in your ex's position. Seriously. He may have been a jerk when you were dating him but obviously you dated him for some reason so he must not be all bad. They're not asking you to start dating him again, theyre not even asking you to start being buddy buddy with him again theyre just asking that you take it easy, act like an adult and just be cool with them being friends. You made your bed, now grow up and lay in it.
skigurl skigurl 8 years
it raises concerns in my mind that a seemingly wonderful man (your fiance) is or was close friends with someone who is so horrible (your ex)...the fact that they are repairing their friendship leads me to wonder about your boyfriend's values - that's issue #1 issue #2 - he is friends with your while this guy was also his best friend, this is also your EX...and an ex who did not treat you well. he needs to realize that having someone who doesn't respect you become close to him is going to hurt must be honest with him and really show him how much it bothers you but then, my third point, is that you might need to lay off. just ask him not to have this friend around your house, if possible, ask that he not be invited to the wedding (obviously the dude is your ex so it's understandable that he wouldnt be invited) and just make sure that their closeness isn't making your boyfriend into a bad person....if he is then maybe your boyfriend is pulling away for some reason and you need to address that
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