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You Asked: He Called Out His Ex's Name During Phone Sex!!

You Asked: He Called Out His Ex's Name During Phone Sex!!

Dear Sugar--

My best friend of 5 years and I recently started going out. Before me, he was with another girl for 3 years but he has repeatedly told me that he doesn't have feelings for her anymore.

This morning, he and I were having phone sex and in the middle of it, he said her name! I hung up and he called me back, leaving 12 messages about how much he loves me and how sorry he was - begging me to pick up the phone.

I really really like this guy and he claims to care for me the same way but I don't know how to react to what happened. I told him I don't want him speaking to his ex ever again but I am worried about giving him an ultimatum. He claims they are only friends and she means nothing to him but I'm worried he'll pick her "friendship" over me. What should I do? I don't want to lose him but I don't want him to think he can do things like that! Should I give him another chance?

--Hurt Hannah

To see Dear Sugar's answer,

Dear Hurt Hannah--

It's pretty obvious that your boyfriend is NOT over this ex girlfriend. Thinking about her while he's being intimate with you is not ok! I'm not sure why they broke up, but if it was her decision (which I assume it was), he could quite probably still be in love with her.

You can ask him to stop speaking to her, but will that guarantee that he stops thinking about her too? Probably not. The problem here is that his thoughts and feelings are out of your control. You're so worried about losing him, but to tell you the truth, is doesn't sound like his heart and mind is 100% with you right now anyway.

He needs some time alone to get his feelings straight. If he's really in love with this other girl, but he can't be with her, then you don't want to be his second choice. On the other hand, if after some time he realizes that he truly wants to be with you, then he'll naturally forget about that other girl. You deserve all of his attention and nothing less. I hope this helps.

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Join The Conversation
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 9 years
popgoestheworld says it wonderfully again... cut the guy a little slack but be wary. Giving him the ultimatum to not speak to her doesn't solve anything.
chakra_healer chakra_healer 9 years
Eh, I've come (hehe) close to doing the same thing, but stopped myself. I wasn't still thinking about the ex, just something about the moment was similar. If you're hurt and can't laugh it off, take a break and ask him to reevaluate his feeling for her and you. But since you are not his GF, it is not your place to demand he not speak to a friend out of fear of losing him. If he ever left you for her, he wasn't into you to begin with. Plus, you risk making her a forbidden fruit kinda thing for him, or worse, the person he'lll run to for advice (read: pitty sex) if you ever have a fight.
ducks ducks 9 years
When you're used to saying a specific name, it will pop up every once in a while. It's just how the brain works. Relax. Usually means nothing. And, no contact. Turkey's best served cold.
veronicaraye veronicaraye 9 years
dang, that sucks either way...take him back or leave him you're always going remember how he called you another girls name.
JessBear JessBear 9 years
Haha, this is why I dated three Shauns and two Wes's in a row. So I wouldn't have to worry about that particular problem. :-) I don't think it's that big a deal. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'd be piiiiiiiissed, but it doesn't have anything to do with his feelings for you. It's just habit. As far as the keeping in contact with his ex, agree that honesty is the best policy. As long as he agrees to be completely forthcoming about their contact and you agree to try not to blow up over it, you won't have to feel threatened.
loveleighdancer loveleighdancer 9 years
i'm pretty sure i'd be livid if if i heard my boyfriend say another girls name during sex. haha it makes me angry right now and it's never ever happened, just the thought of it wold freak me out.
o0osara o0osara 9 years
I have been with my now bf for 2 years, and my ex was 2 years too. When I first started dating my now BF I had to be very careful sometimes when I would call out his name. It was usually during a fight( you know those kind where your mom was so mad she'd yell out your whole name...middle name and all?) and I was so upset I wasn't thinking about my boyfriend's name, just that I wanted to ream him. Well, when I am used to only yelling at ONE OTHER person like that for the past 2 years, sometimes my ex's name was dancing on the tip of my tounge. I even had dreams where I would actually say it...thats how afraid I was. Now, that would never happen because of how long we've been together. But at the beginning (first 6 months), I would say this is definitely a forgivable mistake!
Muirnea Muirnea 9 years
I am so sorry this happened to you! My boyfriend called me his ex once when we were fighting and I was just kind of in shock for a little while,I was just like, wait what did you just say??? huh??? it made me so so mad, so I know you must be feeling horrible!!! I'm not so sure about it being a habit. Whether he is used to saying her name or not, obviously he was thinking about her. If he was truly thinking about the situation with you, your name would have come out because he would have been thinking "your name here...". If the name is a habit, that means thinking about her is still a habit for him and thats what he was doing, thinking about her cause its a habit he has...yeah, I wouldn't be ok with that. If calling her name is a habit does that mean that when he actually was with her, he wasn't even thinking about her, it was just a habit??? Come on, she was in the back of his mind at least, whether he was conscious of it or not, which means he isn't over her WHETHER HE IS CONSCIOUS OF IT OR NOT!!! Since you said y'all have gotten together as bf/gf recently, I would say go back to being friends and find someone who can put their whole heart and mind into loving you and you alone. Good luck!!!
amanda-lee90479 amanda-lee90479 9 years
fluffyhelen: I would but I want this to work out since we can't see ourselves being with anyone else. But trust me... I've warned him that this is his last chance.
Bookish Bookish 9 years
Well, if he was with her for three years, calling her name during that particular activity may be a habit, and not an indicator that he's not over her. (When I argue with my husband, I still sometimes call him my sister's name, since that's who I used to argue with the most! It's just a habit!) Since he did apologize profusely, I say forgive the guy. Keep an eye on him, but don't give him an ultimatum (those are so disrespectful). There's got to be a reason he's been your best friend for the last five years- right?
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
amanda.. that is unacceptable!! KICK HIS SORRY ASS OUT!!!!!!!!!!
amanda-lee90479 amanda-lee90479 9 years
I am in a similar situation. My boyfriend dated a girl when he was 15 and was "in love with her" they broke up five years ago, and we started dating four years ago. He just barley got over her three years after they broke up, but he won't stop talking to her and he made up a secret myspace profile to talk to her. So I wish I could help you.. But I can't figure out my own problems.
rubialala rubialala 9 years
It depends on whether or not you can forgive him. It might take time so don't just say no I can't forgive him right now and leave - give yourself some time to get over the hurt feelings. He is obviously sorry. Also, guys are very visual people. I wouldn't be surprised if guys picture other women (celebrities, co-workers, hot waitress, exes, etc.) during sex and it's just a mistake that this time it was verbalized.
amybdk amybdk 9 years
Forgive him!
honey31 honey31 9 years
Forget him!He is an idiot!
bellateno bellateno 9 years
give him a break. it is most likely he said his ex's name out of habit. of course it hurts - but you can choose to accept his apologies. if there are other reasons to believe that he is still hung up on his ex then it is a different story, but on its own, i don't think that this situation is unforgivable. as for the ultimatum - not a good idea. instead, encourage pure and total honesty where he feels free to talk to you about his current friendship with his ex, otherwise he will feel the need to hide it and then you have much more potential for a problem. any time your partner feels the need to hide relationships from you, it is a sign of problems in your relationship - at the very least, a sign of problem in the areas of honesty and communication.
getstinko getstinko 9 years
I'd definitely forgive him. He was with this girl for a long time - saying her name is like force of habit. I doubt he was visualizing her when you guys were having your pervy phone sex.
Lovely_1 Lovely_1 9 years
I would forgive. I mean he was with her for ALONG time and you know what? I have done it before. I don't do it on purpose or because I have feelings for me ex (definatly no feelings whatsoever)but it does start to become habit and sometimes it slips...
SugarFreak SugarFreak 9 years
Man, Dear, I write little novels on your site. Sheesh.
SugarFreak SugarFreak 9 years
For the record, I have NUMEROUS times called my now husband, who I genuinely love, my ex's name when we first started dating. I had been with my ex for years, so after we broke (I left him) it took me a good 10 months to stop getting tongue-twisted and calling him my ex's name. I started using terms of endearment instead of actual names during intimate moments because I know exactly where my heart was/is and didn't want to make my now-husband think that there was anything to be worried about, but your head sometimes is conditioned to saying a name and slips. Take it from me, it's extremely frustrating because you know you don't love your ex- but after such a long time, some people take a little longer to snap the wrong-name habit. Hope that helps.
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
I accidentally told somebody I loved them because it was REFLEX. I mean I would be UP A HEIGHT if this happened to me. I can't imagine the pain you are going through over this. Take care of yourself and remember that no guy can truly make you happy, that has to come from within. xx
ALSW ALSW 9 years
I agree with popgoestheworld too. Cut the guy a little slack. I've been with my husband for 5 years now and I still accidentally call him by an ex's name. It's not often, but their names all sound alike! And sometimes the brain just doesn't function like it should - especially when your body is aroused and the brain more or less stops working. :) I'd forget the ultimatum because they don't work and just sit down with him and talk. It's better to work it out through adult conversation and he's obviously sorry.
lily314 lily314 9 years
Give him a break. I call one of my best friends (male) my boyfriend's name by accident all the time, but I'm pretty sure it isn't because I have repressed desire for my friend. Accidents happen, and it seems pretty clear that he's sorry about it and cares about setting things right. If he made a pattern of calling you by the ex's name, then I'd be worried. Otherwise, I'd chalk it up to "accident." And, yeah, being with someone for 3 years means that person will probably be on his subconscious once in a while. That doesn't mean he cares about that person more, nor does being in love with you make his 3 years with her less significant to him. I'd say that it's a sign that he can be a devoted person, and you can't punish him for his history. (I mean, if he had only dated this girl for a couple of month, a few years ago, wouldn't you think it's just an accidental slip if he called you her name?)
kh312 kh312 9 years
i agree with dear sugar.
yoan190 yoan190 9 years
Ouch! I think he still has a feeling for his ex. Saying ex's name during intimate time couldn't be a good sign.
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