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You Asked: Is He Cheating on Me?

Dear Sugar,

I got married last September and ever since then, my relationship with my husband has completely changed. He has been wanting to do more and more things without me and he is just simply not the same man I thought he was. I have seen large receipts from the ATM and he has no accountability for where this money has gone. I'm just baffled, and have been suspecting another woman.

I was surfing the web and came across a quiz about cheating spouses. It sounds exactly like my husband, and according to my results, it says that most likely he's cheating on me. My question is should I actually hire a private investigator to find out the truth? Or should I just let his behavior continue? We've only been married for six months and I don't know if I can live the rest of my life like this. — Being Deceived Dede

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Being Deceived Dede,

I'm so terribly sorry that you're struggling with this, especially so soon into your marriage. Since you have no proof that your husband has been unfaithful, you're going to have to follow your female intuition, but instead of hiring a private investigator, I suggest you talk to him ASAP. Confront him and ask him outright if he's been with another woman. Don't accept any excuses, provide him with all the evidence you have, and try to be as rational as you can.

If he admits to your assumptions, you need to figure out how you want to proceed. This doesn't have to be a decision that's made overnight, but I agree with you, you should not have to live the rest of your life like this. When you take a marriage vow, it's assumed that both husband and wife will take that oath to heart, so if he's not living up to his end of the bargain, it might be a blessing in disguise that you found out sooner rather than later. I hope this is all a misunderstanding, but if it's not, continue to be strong and lean on your friends and family for support. Good luck to you.


Join The Conversation
Giraffe_nubbies Giraffe_nubbies 7 years
This sounds so much like my ex-husband. Goes out, doesn't come home, doesn't call, ATM receipts for big withdrawls, stip club receipts. He also had a gambling problem I didn't know about... Luckily divorces are cheap and fast in Texas!
dolci-chica dolci-chica 8 years
as others have pointed out, communication is key. broach the subject first with your husband, and maybe you'll get everything squared away. if he's past that point, then i recommend you check out for further help (ie: online spy software, book resources, and testimonials). these online resources are MUCH cheaper than hiring a PI.
khadeekiinsz khadeekiinsz 8 years
Wow...she really took some internet, yeah. Maybe you two aren't communicating well enough. Jumping right to cheating shows some insecurity. you guys need to talk, maybe some counseling.
frieddumpling frieddumpling 8 years
confront him...if he denies it (90% likely...)..hire private investigator CUT UR LOSSES...if u finds out that he's cheating on you SO SOON in your marriage together~you deserve MUCH better for the rest of yourself and even if he isn't cheating...i don't know how i would feel about being so miserable staying with him..of course try to work things out, but u should make sure ur happiness comes first!
geebers geebers 8 years
^ditto to that statement
geebers geebers 8 years
"Cheating doesn't have to be the reason for leaving. Having a husband that makes you feel like sh*t is reason enough. "<--DITTO
EvilDorkGirl EvilDorkGirl 8 years
One thing that nobody's mentioned is writing your thoughts down BEFORE talking to him. I get paranoid of my husband a lot, and it always turns out to be something ridiculous (like the fantasy baseball thing mentioned above). I've found that if I write down my thoughts before I go spewing them, it's less likely to end with him feeling confronted & me saying some irrational stuff I regret. Plus it helps you to organize your thoughts and put things into perspective. Before you talk to him, you need to answer some questions for yourself. Would you leave him if he is in fact cheating? If it's something you think you can work through, make sure you communicate that in your discussion. You might want to start with, "I feel like you're not getting what you need from me." Try to avoid accusing him, and just try to see where he's coming from -- that always helps avoid fights in difficult conversations. As far as the $$$ thing goes -- my husband & I have worked out a budget where we get a set amount each month to blow however we see fit. We'll take it out in cash, at the same time, and when it's gone, it's gone -- no more video games or shopping sprees until next month. That helped us A LOT.
Squeaks26 Squeaks26 8 years
M. Gary Neuman's Book The Truth About Cheating. Download it now from Oprah's Wednesday's show on her web site. It was a rerun on Oprah yesterday. For the most part one in three men will cheat in their lifetime. If you have a suspicion he's cheating most likely he is. Gary says in his book to ask your husband to take a lie detector test.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 8 years
"but instead of hiring a private investigator, I suggest you talk to him ASAP. Confront him and ask him outright if he's been with another woman. Don't accept any excuses, provide him with all the evidence you have, and try to be as rational as you can. " For starters, I have never known a man to admit to cheating when asked. Seriously? Second of all, what is her evidence? The results of an online quiz? And finally, "don't accept any excuses." What does that even mean? It means that the OP shouldn't listen to any other reasons. In that case, then why bother with the confrontation? Yes, you need to talk to your husband, but do not confront him. Do not tell him an online quiz tells you he's cheating. Just say you feel like he isn't interested in you anymore and you don't feel good about the relationship. He'll either freak out b/c he wasn't intending to make you feel like this, or he'll keep doing the same old same old. Cheating doesn't have to be the reason for leaving. Having a husband that makes you feel like shit is reason enough.
bchicgrl bchicgrl 8 years
I have to agree with skigurl, Babysoftpink - I can't imagine any girl loving the idea of her husband buying other women (and not his family) presents and from the post it sounds like it would expensive gifts. I think she should definitely talk it out and don't jump to any conclusions until you hear what he has to say. There very well might be a legit reason. I do have to say though, if he denies anything is happening then its most likely cheating.
chatondeneige chatondeneige 8 years
Seriously, what is the deal with the answer to every single question Dear answers being "Talk to him." Is it that complicated of a theory, girls?
ckeller825 ckeller825 8 years
Most of these women gave great advice. Communication is key. And if you're unsure, maybe you should read up on body language before you have the big talk. Body language says a LOT about what somebody is hiding and if they're telling the truth. I used to contract for the govt and my boss used to be in the Marine Corps, and he ALWAYS knew when somebody was lying to him b/c of what they taught him in intel. I don't think a PI should be involved in ANY way.
MissJules5x MissJules5x 8 years
i think you need to talk to him. if he comes clean then you know... if not, and you still feel that something isn't right then hire a PI if it will make you sleep better at night to know the truth. the chances are... if you feel that something isn't right in your marriage, you need to follow your gut because it probably isn't. either way you need to do whats best for you and if you aren't happy then you need to leave him.
skigurl skigurl 8 years can have your own (warped) views of marriage and monogamy, but the person who posted this question ISN'T happy. you are saying you would be happy in her position, but she isn't. i wouldn't be happy either, and i know lots of other girls who also wouldn't be happy. so keep your shady advice to yourself if you don't have anything constructive to say to a woman who is worried about the state of her own fragile marriage.
angelinamichael angelinamichael 8 years
Are people really that neurotic these days that they have to hire a PI? Thats just depressing. That said, your relationships pretty much over. I mean, where is the trust in that? If my overly obsessive husband was so suspicious of me that he felt the need to hire someone to spy on me, well I'd leave him in a second. Thats a total invasion of privacy and trust. If you cant talk to the very person which whom your suppose to share this amazing holy union with, then thats youre problem.
Janine22 Janine22 8 years
As others have mentioned are you certain that he doesn't actually just have a drug problem or a gambling addiction and is hiding it from you? I just got that impression from you saying large sums of money because to me, that would not necessarily indicate an affair.
Silje Silje 8 years
I agree with most of the other advisors here, talk to him first, tell him what you're suspecting. Of course he'll deny it, if he feels bad about it he might come clean then and there, but what you'll probably get is that he's more stressed out, "omg she's onto us", and he starts making mistakes. Then you know he's cheating.
macchiatolove macchiatolove 8 years
I agree with TidalWave. Sit down with him and talk about your relationship, without making accusations or assumptions. It could all be a huge misunderstanding! I hope it is. Regardless, I think you need to speak to him, in a non-judgemental way, and maybe observe his behaviour also, it is unfair that he has no explanation for the large amounts of money he's spending!
starangel82 starangel82 8 years
Ask him. Communicate. Sounds like you need to.
babysoftpink babysoftpink 8 years
If I were you (assuming I am only giving myself advice), I would pretend nothing is happening and enjoy my marriage. I would be so glad that I am married to a man who has his own life and I am allowed the freedom to have my own space and time for thinking and all sort of fun stuff that I am able to enjoy by myself. I also won't care if he is buying other women gifts and I just don't care, afterall he married me and not all these all women (pls. don't respond and judge me for having my own philosophy on marital matters... ) But of course that's just me.
princess_eab princess_eab 8 years
Ask. Him. Directly.
carak carak 8 years
it also could be a drug or gambling addiction. Your best choice would be to flat out ask him where this money is going. You are married now & finances are one thing you should be sharing information with your spouse, especially if you have a joint bank account.
GScott86 GScott86 8 years
He could be cheating on you with a number of things, another woman, gambling, or with himself cuz he wants more free time and feels tied down. Something lots of people kinda feel when in a relationship. So like Seniorita said, just sit down and talk. Communication first. Don't just jump to investigating, you'll go paranoid.
ang1885 ang1885 8 years
Unless he's willing to ruin your relationship I doubt he'll say he's cheating on you if he is cheating. If he's spending so much money and you don't know why that's not a good thing whether he's cheating or not. There's a lot of ways for a husband to cheat on his wife without her knowing. Watch what he does when he thinks you're not looking. Go through his car if you can. Check his computer for anything. If he's not cheating he's up to something.
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