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You Asked: Is He Even Into Me?

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating a great guy for about a month and a half, but we have only gone on four dates. We always have a great time together, we have wonderful conversations, and we have a lot in common, but he is extremely busy. He volunteers several times a week, plays sports, and has a very demanding job that usually results in him working late hours and weekends. He is also on the shy side, so I'm worried that he is either too busy to make a commitment or he is just being polite by still seeing me.Is it too early to have a talk about that with him? — Unsure Sandra

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Unsure Sandra,

It's never too soon to have a talk with someone you're dating, especially if you're unsure about the way he feels about you. Four dates in a month and a half isn't a lot, and I'd probably have the same fears as you do, so I advise you to get to the bottom of this relationship ASAP. If he is just a busy guy, you need to decide if the time he's able to give you is enough to make you happy. But if it turns out that he's continuing to see you simply out of courtesy, I'd end it before you waste any more of each other's time. Good luck to you!


Join The Conversation
Vsugar Vsugar 8 years
If you really want to see more of him, why don't you ask if there's any way you could help him out at some of his volunteer activities?
mydiadem mydiadem 8 years
Ok, he isn't taking you on lots of dates, fair enough. But is he calling you? Are you involved in his life? Is your communication growing or staying the same? Its all fine and good if he is busy with work and has lots of other things going on but if he doesn't have time to call you for 15 minutes before he goes to bed then that's a major red flag.
deleteaccount deleteaccount 8 years
I honestly have to say I recently just went through something similar. But I was the one who was too busy and couldn't make time. I know it sounds ridiculous but in this time of the economy and with people losing their jobs left and right, i have to admit my career is taking priority over everything else. This in no way shows or reflects the true feelings i had for my significant other, unfortunately it was something he couldn't deal with at the time. Your relationship is very new, so I wouldn't worry about it too much. Give the guy a break, he's probably already stressed about all his other commitments, so no need to add more. And if you honestly think he is seeing you by force, well that is a whole other issue. I have brothers and plenty of guy friends; if a guy doesn't want to see you, he's not going to see you. Weird as it may seem, men are pretty straightforward and direct. so I say sit back and relax and enjoy the times you do have together.
sabrinaland sabrinaland 8 years
It sounds like he has compartmentalized his life and he's stuck you in one of his vacant compartments. If a man really wants to see you, he'll bend over backwards to do so. I wouldn't be surprised if he breaks things off soon because it sounds to me like he's not that into you. He's probably trying to convince himself that he is, and that's why he's still going out with you, for now. If you want him to stay interested in you, or to see how he really feels about you, disappear for a few weeks. Don't call him or return any of his messages. If he doesn't call and drops away, he's not the man for you.
dm8bri dm8bri 8 years
For some people, taking their time before getting into a relationship is par for the course. Especially if they're already busy AND shy. It might take a lot for him to ask you out and get through the dates. I have a few friends who aren't natural socializers and really value their hobbies because they are familiar and offer comfortable relationships. I think those who are saying he's just not that into you are being far too black and white. Why would he keep setting dates if he wasn't interested? I've never in my life known a guy to keep dating someone just to be "polite". Anyway, there is no harm in asking him. Have you expressed your interest, too? If he's shy you might really have to meet him halfway.
Spectra Spectra 8 years
It sounds like you're in a situation similar to one I was in...I really, REALLY liked this guy friend of mine in college and I often tried to get him to hang out with me. But yeah, he was always really busy with things and he was also on the shy side. I was very persistent, but once I met my future husband, I realized that my friend just wasn't into me. He came to our wedding the next year and I found out that he never wanted to pursue a relationship with me because he thought I was out of his league and he never got the hint that I wanted to go out with him. I understand being busy, but I also know that when my husband and I first started dating, we went to seperate colleges that were 90 miles apart. Every weekend, my husband would get off of work (he worked Saturday and Sunday mornings at a mechanic shop) and drive to come see me and we'd go out for dinner and a movie and then he'd drive home and get a couple of hours of sleep in time for his job the next day. The thing is; he MADE time for me because he really wanted to see me. Similarly, when I had a job in Madison while he had a job in Oshkosh and we weren't yet married, I often drove to Oshkosh after work and spent the night there and drove into work in Madison the next morning because I wanted to see him.
mamasitamalita mamasitamalita 8 years
I just read an article on that sound similar:
Beauty Beauty 8 years
Skigurl beat me to it. Do you really want to date a dude who doesn't have time for you? Sounds like you want more than he can give. Yeah, we're all busy, but I know that when I want to date someone, I always make time.
skigurl skigurl 8 years
i dunno...i don't think i agree with bluestar, SeaAre and greenapples...if you're into someone, you know within a month and a boyfriend, within a WEEK of us starting out was making time to see me....cutting planned weekends short to make sure we could spend some time together etc...if he isn't making time by now, he never will
bluestar bluestar 8 years
People move at different paces. Maybe he's still trying to decide if you're worth making time for. It's only been a month.
SeaAre86 SeaAre86 8 years
I really don't think it's fair to think that he should drop things that are important to him just to see someone he has been dating a month and a half. I agree with green... when a new relationship starts off, it seems like new couples are on completely different schedules. I think seeing each other more frequently occurs later in the relationship. I just know that some activities are very important and personal for some people. For example, my mom had breast cancer and she spends once a week at a cancer center helping other people who are going through chemo.. and she only misses it if she's sick. You also have to consider that if this guy is on a team, dropping out or not attending the practices is affecting the other teammates. I don't know the guy, so I can't vouch for his reasons, but that might be something. I would see this as an opportunity to get involved in new things. Not saying that you should totally adapt to his life or anything, but that if you both volunteered somewhere or went to see his games, that might be fun and a nice way to spend more time together. I also don't think that he's still seeing you to be polite. I would just let him know how you feel about it all. That's all you really can do. Otherwise there's really no way to know what's going on..
greenapples1987 greenapples1987 8 years
you two have only been dating for a month..usually new couples are busy during the week with jobs and other activities and plan a date for the weekend..there are only 4 weekends in a month so this all sounds normal to me.
vmruby vmruby 8 years
There's no such thing as being too busy and not having enough time to see someone you really care about....
lindssaurussss lindssaurussss 8 years
if he was really into you. he would go out of his way to see you. i would just drop him. took me a while to figure that one out.
skigurl skigurl 8 years
do you really want to date a guy who only has time to see you once a week or less? having the talk won't change his time issues....if he wanted to make more time for you, he already would have it doesn't sound like his committments are temporary either i'd caution against this guy...having the talk can't hurt at this point
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