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You Asked: He Lied About Being Single

Dear Sugar,

I met a guy online and we had so much in common that we decided to meet in person. Our first date went exceptionally well and we soon started to officially date each other. He said he was single but after a while, I began to suspect that he wasn't. Finally, he admitted he was married but separated and in the process of getting a divorce. He told me that he and his wife were still living together with their two kids until all the paperwork was finalized.

Although I had always suspected this, I was totally devastated. I stopped seeing and speaking to him because I was so upset, but he continued to try to get in touch with me. He left a message saying that he was finalizing the divorce, and I missed him so much that I agreed to see him. Even though he cried his eyes out, I still feel like he is lying to me but I can't bear to be without him. I am 23 years old, I have a good job, and I think I am a sensible woman, so tell me DearSugar, am I going crazy?

—Unsure Shirley

To see Dear Sugar's answer,

.

Dear Unsure Shirley,

Of course, you're not crazy! You're in love which can make you do crazy things and you're thinking with your heart and hoping things work out between you two. Part of you is also thinking with your brain though, which is the good news. It knows that you deserve a guy who doesn't have any other emotional ties but you.

Even though he is separated, he's still technically married and the fact that they're still living with each other makes things even more complicated. You don't want to be competing for his love, time, and respect, and you also want to make sure that he's truly choosing you to love, and not being with you because he needs a shoulder to cry on.

If you are truly in love with this man and want to be in a relationship with him, I think you should wait to see each other again until the divorce is completely finalized. Give him some time to sort through his feelings and be ready to start a real relationship with you. I know it will be difficult to wait, but if you're patient, it'll make all the difference in the world when you're finally together.

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Janna909 Janna909 6 years
I have the similar problem like you, but we're not dating as a couple, we're just friends with benefits. He did lied to me about he was single/no kids. After 5 months, he finally told me he has kids. What's bothering is that why wouldn't he just be honest in the first place?
puffaroo puffaroo 9 years
Lying about being single = not good. Run away as fast as you can, and consign this fellow to your single-life horror stories. I know, we can be insanely attracted to men who are just bad news (and I guess the reversed is true - I jusy know my female perspective). Never, ever date a man who would cheat on his wife. There are too many good single guys out there who won't play games with your feelings. This is a Bad Man using you as the crowbar to pry himself free of an apparently inconvenient marriage. A lot of people said great stuff in this thread, but I would reread the post by cubadog. I know of nothing more corrosive to a woman's sense of worth than getting involved with a married liar. Get out at once.
wundersmack wundersmack 9 years
Ten years ago, I could have written a letter IDENTICAL to yours. Trouble is, I didn't write it, didn't ask for advice, and so I got involved with the guy anyway. So here's the ending to my story, which started out just like yours. He eventually got around to divorcing his wife, but he blamed me entirely -- and so did his wife -- for wrecking their home. His kids blamed me and hated me, too. And even after I hung in there for 4 years, his lies just continued and got worse and weirder! He eventually married someone ELSE while he was still seeing me! I didn't find out about the new fiance until I took a ring he gave me to the jeweler for repair, and they pulled up his record which showed he had purchased another engagement ring for someone else. May I just say thank GOODNESS I didn't marry him, and I feel really sorry for the woman who did. Because guess what? He was still calling/emailing me after his new marriage. I had to call the police to get it to stop. Good grief, do you want to be that new wife, married to a guy like that? I promise, this is what he is. RUN from this guy like your pants are on fire. Don't waste years like I did!
BRANDYNICOLE730 BRANDYNICOLE730 9 years
Do your research. You can look up divorces on-line by the last name.
frieddumpling frieddumpling 9 years
Don't be fooled. Don't let him take you down. This is the standard excuse --> always going THROUGH a divorce. Don't agree to see him unless it's finalized. But once your trust has been breached and you can no longer trust him, the relationship is over and you should move on.
retrodiva retrodiva 9 years
Tricky. Some people don't like admitting to being separated because people think they are full of crap. However, if you are living in the same house, you're not separated. Even if you're not married, you're still living together. :) Seriously, I'd leave this one alone until he has his own place at the very least. A couple who are getting divorced don't usually live together for the children - it's a miserable situation for everyone at that point.
rockinchica88 rockinchica88 9 years
Put yourself in his situation. His marriage has failed. He's stuck still living with his soon-to-be ex-wife. He's stuck in a perpetual zone of can't go back and can't move on. Online is an easy place to escape. He wants someone but he doesn't think he'll actually meet someone, but he does. Then he keeps telling himself he hasn't even met you yet so why bother with the truth, plus he wants you to like him and telling you that he has baggage is not the greatest way to achieve that. Yes, he lied, but whether or not you want to be with him shouldn't be about the fact that he lied, everyone lies, but about the fact that he does have one failed marriage under the belt and two children. Waiting until the divorce is finalized is key though. Everyone knows that finalIZING, is never final until it's done. Good luck. Remember your number one priority is yourself.
cubadog cubadog 9 years
You need to cut ties with this guy. Block his e-mail address and have his phone/cellnumber blocked. He is messing with your emotions and your mind. Take control now or you will continue to be miserable. I would not believe for one minute that he is actually finalizing his divorce. Remember your young and their are a million legit single guys out there that would love to spend time with you.
trixiefire trixiefire 9 years
He lied to you, you have no reason to trust him EVER. This relationship would be doomed before even beginning. If, however, you insist on going on, I'd take a look at those divorce papers first. If he's even filed them, you'll have something tangible to look at. And keep in mind that he either has or will have an ex wife and two kids?!? Do you want to deal with that? You're 23, do you want to date a guy with a built in family already?
Pir8Liz Pir8Liz 9 years
Never trust a guy like this. He probably isn't getting any at home and wants to still get some. Who knows when he would actually get divorced. He's bad news. Stay away!
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
If he wanted to leave, he would've moved out of his wife's place. He's OBVIOUSLY still there, so...... I think u should say *adios* to this sicko...you'll just be a rebound.
TheMissus TheMissus 9 years
He lied. Don't give him a second chance. It's not cool what he did. And you should never forget it.
nicachica nicachica 9 years
I don't think you're crazy but i do think you fell hard for this guy and that makes it easier to make excuses for him. You don't deserve all this drama! I agree with the posters who said to see the divorce papers. He's already lied to you and he's still probably doing it to you now. Please get away from this guy - he's bad news!
groem6 groem6 9 years
Please take no notice of my bad typing. It's before noon and I haven't had my coffee yet ;)
groem6 groem6 9 years
Listen sweetie, this is the oldest trick in the book! I'm single -> divorced! -> well, married but separated -> actually not separated either -> but it's all for the kids! This list of stattements means you are being played. His wife probably knows nothing abbout this "divorce" of his. If she did, they wouldn't be living together. He obviously doesn't love you, or else he wouldn'tput you in the situation he is. What if his wife finds out and comes seeking you up? What will you tell her? That you knew about her, the kids, their family, but just couldn't help yourself since this man is so great? How is that? Since he chose you to be the one he cheats on his wife with? You probably aren't the first girl he has played like this. I promise you, you aren't the last either. He probably has "a lot in common" with them all.
jimmalou1978 jimmalou1978 9 years
The absolute FIRST THING I did when I decided to get divorced was to move OUT. If he's still living there "until the paperwork was finalized", then he's still legally married. Sorry to say, but he's probably handing you a line, because he misses what you did for him. I agree with the others. Keep away until he can present you with a finalized divorce decree and evidence that he's NOT living with his wife anymore. How many times do we have to hear the same old story? He loves me, he's getting a divorce. Actions speak louder than words. If you don't have the action to back it up, your words are meaningless! Cut bait and find someone SINGLE that you won't have to worry about lying to you all the time.
ninjastarlett ninjastarlett 9 years
He lied from the get-go... not a good sign. You're going to have to think this through really, really well before making your final decision on it. My take on it? Bad situation -- I'd get away and stay away.
Jasi Jasi 9 years
woah. don't listen to the people calling you crazy. you're not crazy. you're just in a messy situation and tied up emotionally. all of us have done things that we wouldn't think we would do because we were attached to someone. just be really careful, and i agree that you should ask to see the divorce papers if you're going to see him again. remember, that he's already lied to you once, and ask yourself if you can trust him again. i'm so sorry you're going through this. good luck!
tkoblondee tkoblondee 9 years
Get out of there as fast as you can!!!!
sugar-n-spice sugar-n-spice 9 years
I'd leave this one alone! :oS
sillybee sillybee 9 years
I doubt he is gonna get divorce...my sister n her husband have been marry for 12yrs and he cheated on her w/ another woman he always lie to the other woman that he was gonna get divorce n that has been 2yrs ago, my sister n him are not livin together but he doesn't want to divorce her...so at the end the other woman lost her time n gor pregnant by a loser who didn't appreciate what he had at home... so girl you r way too young to lsot your time w/ someone like that...go and enjoy ur youth trust me you will find someone worth it, maybe not now but eventually.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 9 years
One cannot be separated and live in the marital home without an order of separation from the judge stating what area is whomevers -- a la The War of the Roses. I guess you are not talking about a legal separation which to me is like he is not separated at all. I do not believe this lying sack of crap and know for a fact that married men who live with their wives use this excuse at times to pull a wool over the eyes of younger women. So get out and get out quick and tell him to look you up when he moves out, you can visit his home and have seen the separation and/or divorce papers. Cut contact with him.
Marci Marci 9 years
I highly doubt that he is separated from his wife. His story just keeps unraveling into whatever the next possibly acceptable answer might be. I'm sure you're a very nice girl and think you deserve better than a guy who a) lies so you therefore will never be able to full trust; b) who has a wife he cheated on and so he'd probably cheat on you and 3) kids you might have to deal with from a wife he cheated on and lied about having when you first met him. Unfortunately, that all adds up to a very dicey character. Move on. You're young, and believe me; there is SO much better out there than this.
Beauty Beauty 9 years
You're only 23—way too young to deal with BS like this. Tell him to look you up when he has the divorce papers. Lots of other good fish in the sea!
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