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You Asked: He Lied, Should I Forgive Him?

Dear Sugar

A year and a half ago I began medical school in a new place far from family and friends. I was very unhappy: felt overwhelmed by work, uncertain about my decision to begin grad school, and felt totally alone. In an attempt to be social, I attended a grad school party, where I found myself uncharacteristically leaning against a wall in the background. I started talking to a guy who embodied self-confidence (not cockiness), and seemed to be just as unwilling to enter the rat race of medical school as myself. We began e-mailing, e-venting, and e-updating each other for about two or three months (totaling over 300 e-mails), but never going out.

When we finally met up one evening, things moved very quickly, but I felt like I could trust him. Over the course of the next nine months, our communications significantly dwindled, though I would still spend the night at his place two or three times a month. To others, I would refer to him as just a friend; but in my mind, I felt we were casually dating.

About a month and a half ago, I learned through a third party that he was currently in a long-term, long-distance relationship. When I confronted him about this, he informed me that when I had asked him about his relationship status a year ago, they were currently on a break, and he didn't know how to tell me. I considered him a friend, and felt totally betrayed and we no longer talk. I am not angry at him or sad about the situation anymore, but at times I feel that continuing our friendship will mean I'm weak for accepting someone into my life who has treated me in this way, but other times I really do miss him and wish I knew what he was doing. Is this someone that I can still have in my life and just be friends with? --Confused Connie

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Confused Connie--
I can see why you are quite confused here, Connie. No matter what the status of your friend's relationship when you first approached the subject, he owed you the truth just as soon as your friendship became romantic. While he never committed to having a "relationship" with you, he still withheld serious information crucial to your friendship and budding relationship. His excuse of not knowing how to tell you the truth sounds to be more of a selfish cop out than anything else.

With that said, it sounds like you feel a real connection to this man so it's no wonder you miss his friendship. Trust is a huge part of any relationship, so only you can decide if he is worth being given a second chance. Accepting him back in your life again does not mean you are weak, but I advise you to make him earn your trust back. The only way you will know if this friendship can stand another chance is by trying, but proceed with caution. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
QweAsd QweAsd 9 years
A person that would do what he did is not someone you'd want a long term relationship with. If it happens once, it's likely to happen again. People do make mistakes and often feel remorse, but there are some things you just don't lie about. A true relationship needs 100% committment. You'll meet a guy who cares about you and respects you. I recommend meeting someone else with quality, and you'll see the difference, like night and day. There should be plenty of good looking doctors in medical school anyway, and I'm sure you'll find your ideal person.
tamberly tamberly 10 years
It sounds like you care about him, more than he may care for you. Not telling you the truth is one sign. If you continue to sleep with him then in my opinion, i think that you should just let it go and move on. I think if you dont, you're going to get hurt...worse than you may already be. If you two can just be friends, then just be friends if he is still seeing someone else.
rkdub rkdub 10 years
Were you sleeping with him while he was IN the long distance long-term relationship? Because then that would really make im a sleezeball.... otherwise, give it time and then see how you feel...
clarapl clarapl 10 years
Something somewhat similar happened to me this year, where I am not only in a new grad program, but in a foreign country. I've met a lot of really nice people, several of whom I'm now friends with, but he was the person I was closest to, and I really miss him. I'm not sure what to advise you, because I'm grappling with the same dilemma. On the one hand, I feel like he took advantage of my trust in him (he went out of his way to be nice and help me when I first moved here, and it really made me attached to him), so I feel betrayed, and like if we were friends again, it would never be the same; on the other hand, we definitely do have a strong connection, and that's hard to let go of...either way, it sucks. I feel for you, good luck.
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 10 years
I think you are lying to yourself if you say you only want a friendship with this man. So forgive him for lying but do not contact him and go out and meet other people. I am sure you know there are more people to talk to in your new place than a man with a serious long distance relationship. Good luck!
kendalheart kendalheart 10 years
Agreed with cgmaetc. He is a jerk
Marci Marci 10 years
He didn't tell you because he wanted to play both sides of the fence; have his cake and eat it too. I think you might be able to rebuild your friendship with him, but it won't ever be quite the same. You can still share confidences with him and have a great frienship in time, but you won't view him quite the same way because there will be a part of you that will wonder sometimes if he's being totally honest. But I'd certainly give it a whirl. You can still have a great friendship with someone despite not implicity trusting them.
cgmaetc cgmaetc 10 years
The whole "didn't know how to tell you" excuse is just another way of saying "I don't want to face facts, so I'm going to lie/withhold information from you". Forgive him, but don't forget, and don't call him, and when he calls you be busy. He sounds like a waste of time. -the ceeg
Issy1 Issy1 10 years
A spookily similar thing happened when I was in my first year of uni. I wasn't sad about him having a girl it was the lie that he told me. We met at a party, he was also at the back of the hall and oosed self-confidence. At the time I didn't see it as cockiness but as time went on and I grew further away from him, I realised he was. In the second year of uni I tried to be friends with him, and he with me, but it didn't work out. In the last year of uni we hated eachother. I just couldn't trust a word he said. My advice is don't try to be friends with him, however make sure you make it clear that it's the fact that he lied to you and not because he's not your boyfriend. You will miss him at the start, just remember the bad thing he did to you instead of looking at it with rose-tinted glasses.
lickety-split lickety-split 10 years
forgive him and move on, but don't contact him now. maybe later when it's a little farther out. i think that if you are having these thoughts about him you do still have feelings for him and you will just be making it hard on yourself to hurt. being in med school is demanding enough, you don't need to bother with a relationship that has already proven to be less than supportive.
kendalheart kendalheart 10 years
I agree with Dear, if you do make that decision to accept him back in your life and it is important enough to him make him earn that trust. If it is not important enough then you will know that he is simply not a person you want to be around.
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