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You Asked: He Loves me, he Loves me Not

I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year. We hit a bit of a rocky patch in the middle but have had an amazing comeback in the last 6 months. We have a really good relationship and are very good friends too. A couple of months ago, after a night of drinking, I told him I I loved him -- he said he didn't know if he "loved me," but that me telling him so made him really happy. The next day, we carried on as we normally do, he didn't act the least bit distant or uncomfortable, but I just feel so incredibly stupid that he can't say he loves me back. Should I worry considering we have been together for so long that he is just going through the motions with me or could he just not be ready to say it yet? When we are together, he makes me feel like he loves me so what's up with my guy? He shows me he cares but he won't tell me he loves me back! -- Foot in Mouth Melissa

To see DEARSUGAR's answer

Dear Foot in Mouth Melissa--

Ok, I understand that you probably feel a little embarrassed for saying the L word first, but you shouldn't be ashamed for speaking your mind and being honest about your feelings. Unfortunately when you've been drinking, you're less inhibited so it's no wonder you let it slip, especially if those three little words have been lingering on the tip of your tongue.

Now, just because he didn't say anything back to you doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't really care about you -- it just means he isn't ready to say it yet. To be honest, I don't think you could have asked for a better reaction from your boyfriend -- he isn't making it awkward, he appreciated you telling him how you felt, and he still makes you feel loved and special.

Saying I love you is a very big step for many people so you need to respect his candor just like he is respecting yours. You should want him to only say he loves you when he is ready, not because you said it first. Try to just enjoy your boyfriend for the way he treats you and the way he makes you feel -- in due time, he will be ready to say the L word too.


Join The Conversation
geekyPOP geekyPOP 9 years
i think when you get into this situation, its hard to get bummed out or even suspicious about the fact that he's not reciprocating the feeling. At the same time, if there's no future for the two of you, you don't have to make excuses for him and lie to yourself. I guess you have to look at the guy and ask yourself if you really trust him and believe in the relationship yourself. If you do, then i suppose to give him time and rely on your guts. But if you have your suspicions, you really have to look hard and accept that sometimes relationships don't work out. I'm in the same situation and all of this is easier said then done. its nice to know that other girls are going through the same thing. I would hug you if i could haha.
sw2190 sw2190 9 years
but now i wonder, if i have said i loved my bf but now as im waiting for him to reply in his own time, i should just wait for that before i say it again right? or should i just say it when i feel it even if hes not gona say it back yet...
sw2190 sw2190 9 years
infact maybe it is my comment and dear has just changed it a bit as its not my word for word, and made up a name hmm
sw2190 sw2190 9 years
Wow! i thought this was the one i sent in melissa its like exactly the same!! oh well good luck to you girl just as im holding in there the same as you hehe, sam
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
ETA: but then I've been jerked around a lot....
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
Oh my God, if it's been a year and he doesn't know he loves you.... I don't know, that's bad. He should be okay with that by now (WAY before now, in my opinion) unless you are extremely young.
cravinsugar cravinsugar 9 years
oh, and although apprently personal antidotes mean nothing (or so i was emailed by another sugar) my boyfriend said it, but then didn't say ti again for long time, and i asked him why, he said because it is special, and he wants it to be special every time he says it. so we did other things, like make a kiss noise on the phone, etc. silly, but sweet. you know.
sugar-n-spice sugar-n-spice 9 years
I see it as a positive, he's being honest with you! I would be suspicious/nervous if he was otherwise.
pinupsweetheart pinupsweetheart 9 years
Saying 'I love you' is a HUGE step. Many guys don't want to tell a girl they love them until they are ready. So many times the 'L' word gets thrown around and really doesn't mean anything. Heck, we tell it to our girl friends all the time. It somehow became a little less meaningful. I wouldn't be too upset if your guy was not ready when you are. Just know that when he says it, it will be fantastic.
Chica8a Chica8a 9 years
I agree with DEAR , don't worry too much!
cravinsugar cravinsugar 9 years
Don't feel embarrassed...your lowered inhibitions made you say it maybe before you had planned on it, but i agree with dear it is a good sign how he has acted. I remember when i first said that to my boyfriend. I was bursting at the seems at couldn't hold it in anymore. So, we were at work, and on my way out the door, i walked up to him and whispered it in his ear...and then ran haha. He called me within 5 minutes and agreed he felt the same way. I think I was lucky to get the timing right, but he and i have always had a connection so that we sort of know what the other is thinking...anyways, it sounds like your man loves you, but maybe he doesn't want to enter into it lightly. He wants to say it and it be so special every time.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
Everyone is on their own schedule. My BF told me he loved me first, and I was really happy that he did, but didn't feel I could reciprocate at the time. However, a few weeks later I was happily able to say it back. Also, keep in mind, everyone thinks of love differently. I told an ex I loved him and vice versa after like 3 weeks. It turns out we were simply "in love" and we never actually loved each other. After that experience, I began to be extremely cautious about using that term. I only wanted to use it for someone I truly loved, not someone who was just inciting excited feelings of lust/passion that I mistook for love. So perhaps your boyfriend is the same way? Either way, maybe you could wait a month or so and then bring it up gently, saying that you aren't pressuring him to say it, but that you can't help but wonder if he sees himself reciprocating at some point. That, at least, you deserve to know. Good luck hon.
sass317 sass317 9 years
If youve been together a year and he still hasnt told you he loves you, I would be concerned. After all you had a rough patch and things got better- you would think that would make him realize how he feels about you. While Im certainly not saying he should have said it to you just to make you happy if he didnt mean it- I just wonder if hes stringing you along.
candy-apple candy-apple 9 years
i definitly agree with dear. i know a guy who said he'll only say the l-word to the woman he wants to marry: for him it almost equals a proposal. if that's what's going through your guys head, it's no wonder he's not ready to say it yet.. although i do understand your frustration. i was in a similar situation with my guy. i said i loved him after only two months.. but we had very different definitions of love: for me it was an emotion, a feeling he gave me in the moment. for him it was more "that thing people say when they get married" kind of thing. i remember him telling me he didn't want to say it because he wasn't sure we would last (that was just before us being long distance for 6 months). when he really did leave though, he said he was finally sure of his feelings. now he tells me he loves me everyday. sometimes it just takes some outside event, like a challenge to the couple, to spur the l-word. good luck! ;)
Stella2010 Stella2010 9 years
argh, i have been there, done that. My ex boyfriend never told me he loved me because all the while he was cheating on me. HE was, in fact, engaged to someone. I was his past time. He also told me that he is happy that i love him. i just hope this is different situation for you. i hope that he is just taking his time to know and be sure of his feelings. goodluck.
blondebombshell blondebombshell 9 years
First of all, don't ever regret telling someone you love them. Secondly, you admitted that you had a rough patch and have started over -- maybe your guy is still nervous about that and scared to put his feelings all out there. The fact that he said it made him happy you told him you love him shows that he cares about your feelings. If there are no problems other than this, I wouldn't worry. He will say it in his own time. Be glad he didn't say it without meaning it.
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