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You Asked: He Only Wants Sex When He's Drunk

You Asked: He Only Wants Sex When He's Drunk

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been living together for over two years and everything has been great except for our sex life. For almost a year, it seems like the only time he wants to have sex is when he's drunk, and I'm obviously a little confused by this. We used to have sex all the time, at least four times a week no matter what. Now I'm lucky if it happens once a month.

I wish we were having sex more, and not just when he's kicked back a few drinks. I have no idea how to approach this. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't even want me unless he's intoxicated. What should I do!?

—Where's the Action Amy

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Where's the Action Amy,

I hate to say it, but relationships that have been going on for a while tend to lose their pizzazz. You eventually reach a level of comfort and you both stop trying to impress the other because you've already won each other's hearts. To keep the fire blazing, you've each got to put forth a little more effort.

Just because your man doesn't want to have sex with you as much as he used to doesn't mean he doesn't want you - he obviously gets turned on when he's been drinking, it just seems like he's lost his sex drive a little.

Women definitely take it personally when their men don't want to have sex. It makes them feel unwanted and unloved, so you've got to tell him that. Be honest and straightforward, and talk to him about your sexual needs. Tell him you want more kissing, hugging, and affection — not just when he's drunk. Your boyfriend probably has no idea how much this upsets you, so let him in on your feelings and see what happens. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
Zbird Zbird 7 years
well it has been awhile since this post was written, hope someones listening. My bf (known him for 3+yrs) and we have been together for a yr(5/09 he was 76' 32 and i was 88' 21) and he was laid off of his his desk/2 digit job of 5 years for about a year and it hasn't been going well for the last 6 months. Don't get me wrong i have given him his space and i understand the stress that can put on a man. what angers me is he won't take any old job you give him, I've been doing barista work since '06 what's the deal? We are drinks, we always were. Even before the 3 months in we had drunk sex and was really hard to get any while sober. His excuse is that he lasts longer and that i can have the time to reach peek. i ran with that for a month and just found it to be phony and just felt hurt again. I almost feel like a joke at times, i mean what kind of boyfriend doesn't or has never really had sex with their gf while sober. i am pretty mature for my age, i grew up fast. As i see it men are still boys and not in a bad way, he's pick on me for the longest time and it never registered to me until a yr ago big surprise. we met at a local coffeehouse that's he's been going to since the dawn of time. You ask why am i still with him, he is sweet, kind, caring, helpful, brains!!,logical, he is really a great guy, i guess i can not make you understand what i see in him. i don't know sometimes i ask myself the same thing. ;.( pardon the essay. feel free to drop ma a line. ~ jes
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
Leave and dont move in with someone again untill you are married
bibibella69 bibibella69 9 years
Not good! Try and get him aroused without having drinks around. Mesmerize him with your scent and some sexy lingerie. Talk to him and express how you feel. Good Luck.
allien86 allien86 9 years
I agree with Dear. Talk to your man, explain how you are feeling a little disconnected and hurt by the lack of sex/only having drunken sex. You can also try Initiating the affection/action.
Holly-J Holly-J 9 years
Look at you situation recently. Have you put on weight or lost weight. Are you two not connecting emotionally like you use to. If nothing on the surface has changed, maybe you just need to change things up a bit. Dress sexier, be a sexier version of yourself. Sometimes when we are in a relationship long, both parties become too comfortable. You become cutsey wootzie and more buddy buddy and less of the sexaul creatures people tend to be when they first hook up. Got to keep the spice alive!!!
mollybaby mollybaby 9 years
i'd hate that.. drunk sex has its own diff kinda fun but i wouldn't want it every night. ha too sloppy ;)
Marci Marci 9 years
I agree with Dear and the other posters that the oomph does go out of the bedroom a lot in long-term relationships. I'm just fascinated that he wants to have sex when he's drunk because a lot of guys can't get it up then.
mlen mlen 9 years
i was just going to say- is he stressed out more than normal? because it could be that a few drinks relaxes him and that's when he wants sex-as opposed to when he's all wound up form work or school or whatever and has too much on his mind. talk to him- he might not realize he's even doing it or he might not realize it hurts you.
Random2 Random2 9 years
My boyfriend and I are going through something very similar right now. When I talked to him about it, he said he didn't realize it hurt me. He gets really stressed during the school year, which kills his sex drive, and a few drinks relaxed him which produced the end result.
vanillabeans vanillabeans 9 years
Not a good sign. It implies that the only way he can achieve intimacy with you is artificially.
ccsugar ccsugar 9 years
I had this same problem with a guy I was "dating" about 6 years ago. Only wanted it after a few (dozen) drinks! Needless to say that went nowhere fast!
beautiful1nes beautiful1nes 9 years
I agree with Emiily that you should spice the sex life up. Make him crave it, wear something sexy for him, Maybe talk naughty to him? Just to get him in the mood. Talking to him could help too, You should always be able to talk to the one you love about anything. good luck hope you get what you want some poon tang! LOL :rotfl: I crack myself up! LOL
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 9 years
Ugh...wish I could give advice, but hubby and I are in the same situation, although it's the other way around... :(
sparklesmucho sparklesmucho 9 years
Talk to him. If you can't talk to the person whom you consider your partner, why are you with him? Perhaps, you are afraid of what you will hear from him.
Emiily Emiily 9 years
I agree, he's just lost his sex drive. Spice it up girl! Buy something sexy, tone your body, seduce him! Wake him up in the morning with oral sex and get him in the mood. Surprise him, get his mind on sex, make him start to fantasize. Good luck! ha, now I'm in the mood to do this to my man!
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