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You Asked: Is He Over His Past?

Dear Sugar,

I have been with my boyfriend now for three months. Things seem wonderful and great but there is one problem — I get really uncomfortable and, yes, jealous when he talks about any past relationships he has been in. In particular one he had that lasted two years.

I have told him that I don't like when he discusses things about her, but it seems that she's still coming up in conversations. It didn't bother me that much in the beginning, but now it is like an infected wound that will not heal. To top things off he works with her and has even admitted to having a dream where he cheated on me with her. Please help me! — Sick of Hearing About it Sally

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear Sick of Hearing About it Sally,

Wow, them working together absolutely puts a new spin on things. When did they break up, and who broke up with who? The fact that he is talking about his ex to his current girlfriend makes me think he is still in love with her and seeing her everyday must make things that much harder.

Of course you're jealous that he's talking about his ex all the time, I would be too, so I am glad you're telling him how you feel. Since they were together for two years, it's normal for her name to come up every now and again, but if he's not making a conscience effort to bite his tongue for the sake of respecting his relationship with you, perhaps he is simply not ready to move on.

The first few months of a relationship is the best part, so if you are already feeling jealous and doubtful of his feelings towards you and his ex, you might want to reevaluate this partnership. I wish you luck.


Join The Conversation
stardance stardance 9 years
I would be jealous, too! If you already told him it bothers you and he's still doing it without even making a visible effort not to talk about her, he's not respecting your feelings, and respect is the minimum you should be able to expect in a relationship IMO.
doctor_doctor doctor_doctor 9 years
An exboyfriend of mine used to do the same thing - his excuse was, 'It's the only relationship I have to refer to..' meaning it was his only other relationship in his life and he looked to it as an example. Okay, fine.. but when she was coming up at least once a day.. yeah. That was what did it in for me. He also was a control freak; he could talk non-stop about her, but if I ever mentioned an ex of mine.. WWIII broke loose. Your guy sounds like he's still hung up on his ex, and he's in major denial. The fact that he still works with her is also problematic as well. I wouldn't stick around with this guy, because I see this as becoming nothing but painful for you. Get out while you can, and before too much of your energy is invested in someone who is still hung up on another woman.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
If you want to stay with him(i wouldn't) then talk about how him continually bringing her up is not only superfluous but that it bothers you. I don't think it helps that they work together and no, i don't think he's over her. Also, he lacks tact in saying that he dreams of cheating on you with her, what does he expect you to do? jump for joy? Set camp at his work place to watch them. From me he'd garner a, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
Marci Marci 9 years
I wondered if that's Alicia Silverstone, too. Anyway - at three months, you and your boyfriend should still be at the 'Isn't it great we both like sausage pizza?!' stage and enjoying each other. The fact that he talks about his ex a lot isn't a good sign and is bad enough, but he works with her and tells you he had a dream he cheated on you with her? Sorry, but this guy has zero respect for you and your feelings. I agree with girodet: Once I heard the dream comment, I would've been done with him. To use a tired cliche: He's just not that into you.
girodet girodet 9 years
He knows you dislike him talking about her and then tells you about that dream, seems mean to me. And the working together thing would make me feel very insecure, especially if their break up was recent or immediately preceded your relationship. I would either get out of the relationship or proceed with extreme caution. Although, I’m thinking I would have shown him the door after the dream comment. I can’t fathom a reason for him to say such a thing.
d_ford d_ford 9 years
Him telling you that he had a dream that he cheated on you with her was a BONEHEAD comment for him to say. It really all depends on how they broke up and how he speaks about her when you two are together. With my ex, it wasn't a break up where we both hated each other. We broke up because we weren't into the relationship anymore but we still cared and loved each other. We are still on great terms now and of course we talk about each other and to each other. My husband doesn't like it but I think it's because he has never had a break up where it's been a great breakup. His ex before me, him and his friends call her Satan. He needs to shut his trap if he knows it bothers you, and YOU need to let it go. My friend was in the same situation as you with her now-husband and it was killing her. Her hubby and ex broke up similar to me and my ex, and they were still friends, which killed her. She had major jealousy issues and it almost cost her the relationship. She couldn't get over the fact that he had been engaged before and that they still talked on the phone...she lived in LA and he lived in Ottawa. She finally came to the realization that he wasn't with her and there had to be a reason so she stopped acting like a crazy person and finally trusted him. You need to trust your boyfriend and trust that he wouldn't cheat on you. If you can't do that then you've got to get out because it isn't fair to either one of you. Everyone dreams whacked out stuff and you really can't help that. In fact, I just had a dream last night that my husband was cheating on me with Rihanna. Can you say random? You also said that you can't stand him talking about any past relationships. You need to remember that they broke up for a reason. If they were still wanting, either one of them, to be with each other, they wouldn't dating other people, now would they?
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
Princess, same thing with my boyfriend. He was with his ex for two years and she cheated on him with his best friend. He completely cut ties with her and never brings her up. When you are over someone you usually don't bring them up unless A) You aren't over them B) You want to make your partner jealous So in my humble opinion, tell him to get his ass together or your leaving. Tell him you don't have to stick around and hear about some girl who isn't as great as you. Three months is not a long time, I would get out now.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
You need to grow a pair, showing that jealousy just makes you look unconfident. No man wants a woman who is that jealous for nothing.
princess_eab princess_eab 9 years
My boyfriend was with someone for 2.5 years and broke up with her about 9 months before he met me. She NEVER comes up in conversation. In fact I probably bring her up more than he does. I'm going to be honest-- in my experience if a guy is "over" a girl he does not talk about her, and it's definitely not respectful to you to do so. Plus, if he's working with her and having dreams about her... well, I'd say you have every right to be nervous.
citizenkane citizenkane 9 years
Is that Alicia Silverstone in the pic?
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