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You Asked: Is He Overstepping His Boundaries?

Dear Sugar,
My husband is 32 years old and thinks it's normal to talk about his sex life with his mother. When we were dating, his mom once told me that I should learn how to give a good blow job in order to attract him more. Then one Valentine's Day, she was the one that told me the kind of lingerie he likes! I was extremely grossed out but at that time, since I was so crazy about him, I did not give importance to the weirdness. He tells me that a lot of men talk about their sex life to their moms, even at his age. This makes me very uncomfortable to say the least, and I can't help but constantly feel embarrassed around her. Am I correct in thinking that he's overstepping by talking to his mom about our intimate sex life or is this kind of relationship in fact as normal as he claims? — Grossed Out Gretta

To see DearSugar's answer

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Dear Grossed Out Gretta,

I've never heard of a grown man talking about such intimacy with his mom, but to each his own. The problem I see with your situation is that it's making you uncomfortable. Since this is both of your sex lives he's talking about, I think it's only fair that he makes sure you're comfortable with him divulging such private information before doing so. Some people don't appreciate their significant others talking about their sex lives with their buddies, so I can only imagine how awkward it is to have his mother be in the know with this information.

Since he doesn't see anything wrong with it, you're going to have to approach the topic from a different angle. Let him know how it makes you feel that his mother knows about what goes on behind closed doors and that you'd appreciate it if he would keep those intimate details to himself. Hopefully he'll be a little more understanding of your feelings once he hears the uncomfortableness in your voice verses hearing a frustrated or annoyed tone. I'm all for being uninhibited when it comes to talking about sex, but it's incredibly important that both parties are permitting of such open disclosure. I hope that after a good heart to heart, he'll be able to respect your desire to be more private.

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onesong onesong 9 years
Yeah I'd be bothered by that for sure. I feel as though the intimate stuff that happens between couples is just that--intimate. It loses some of it's uniqueness and character when it becomes a topic of discussion outside. Let's face it--sexual intimacy is likely the only thing that you and your boyfriend don't share with anyone else. It's the only thing, really, that's just yours...you both hang out with other people, you work with other people, you can smile and laugh and joke with other people, watch movies and go out to dinner with other people. So I like to keep it that way--just between the two of us. Maybe if you tell it to him that way he'll lay off. However, I also wonder at a mother who allows/encourages this sort of behavior. A mother who needs to know that many details about her son's life is likely extremely controlling--you should keep your eyes peeled for anything else weird.
Silverlining10 Silverlining10 9 years
Okay, some people are open about their sex lives...However, his mother giving you advice about blow jobs and the lingerie he likes is...inappropriate. I would get the vibe she wanted to sleep with him herself. I mean, if he never complained about your skills or your choice in lingerie, who's his mom to judge? And if he's complaining to his mom...Well, then he's not much of a keeper. What a mama's boy! If he has complaints, tell him to come directly to you. My boyfriend's parents don't know ANYTHING about our sex lives...Your husband needs to know how uncomfortable YOU are. Who cares if every man in the world tells his mom about his sex life? Your intimate relationship involves YOU TWO, so tell him to spare his mom the details...You don't want your personal life gossiped about! gossipqueen, she's not telling us the specific details of her sex life. I mean, his mom knew how she performed blow jobs...I'd say that's going too far!
Phunkometry Phunkometry 9 years
Lol gossipqueen every single one of my relatives lives in Europe, and my parents came here in 1982. And yet I'm still suspicious of the notion that I may have been the product of some sort of "immaculate conception". My mom's named Maria for a reason. So on behalf of many if not most people of European descent, this is just plain... ew!
emalove emalove 9 years
Eek, pretty creepy...
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
Chalk this up to one of those red flags you should have paid attention to!
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
I'd have told that woman off and dumped him on his a$$. Inappropriate isnt even the word for this.
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 9 years
Because it's anonymous.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
How is her telling her husband she shared this with a whole lot of strangers gonna be better that what he is doing????
graylen graylen 9 years
My boyfriend and his mom used to talk about sex a lot, but in a slightly different context. It was more of a "any son of mine better be treating a woman well in bed" kind of thing. Still a little weird to me, but she's more sisterly than motherly anyways.
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 9 years
It blows my mind that someone would marry into this type of family dynamic, but what's done is done. You should tell your hubby you polled the DearSugar community and the majority of us think what's going on is CREEPY. This is the sort of thing that could lead to divorce if not resolved, not necessarily because of the nature of the subject matter (which again, is CREEPY), but because he's violating your trust and doesn't seem to be bothered by your feelings. Maybe you should see a marital counselor to work out some boundaries. But don't have kids til this is resolved because if Granny is sticking her nose into your bedroom imagine what she'll do when there's a cute little mini-him at stake. Also, for the sake of my own amusement, I suggest picking up a Victoria's Secret catalog and pasting your MIL's picture over some of the models' faces. Leave it out and have your son go pick her up to come over for dinner. Report back, please. ;)
duck-duck-goose duck-duck-goose 9 years
Oh, and tell MIL to mind her own business! (Directly. She's so very open with everything, she should have no difficulty with your frankness.)
duck-duck-goose duck-duck-goose 9 years
Because this makes you so fantastically uncomfortable, he should discontinue his special form of Mommy-and-Me time immediately. If he refuses, you could make certain that he has no further material to discuss. (I would be furious, mortified, and feel terribly betrayed. Privacy is precious to me.)
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
If it makes you uncomfortable than he's crossing a line. I'd ask him not to tell details of your sex life and see if he can get his mom to not talk to you about it.
michelleannette michelleannette 9 years
well, you should tell him that it makes you feel uncomfortable. i'm sorry though, but if my boyfriend's mom told me that i needed to learn how to give better blowjobs...i would have confronted him then and most likely ended things....it is pretty creepy.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 9 years
that is so wrong
lilprincess lilprincess 9 years
Geez and I thought my boyfriend told his mom everything! I would be totally mortified and very upset. You need to explain to him that her knowing about your sex life and talking to you about it makes you very uncomfortable. Let him know that you don't think there's anything wrong with the fact that he discusses sexuality so openly with his mother, but that you weren't brought up that way and are just not used to it. If he understands that you are just a more private person than that, hopefully he'll realize that not everybody is like they are and will respect you more. That's pretty disrespectful towards you if you ask me.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
seems like they are very bohemian and open, and you're not. YOU overlooked this in the beginning, and now you're married to him. Get over it!
subtleheights subtleheights 9 years
Okay way too much info being swapped here. why is he not still living with her?sorry, your husband sounds like a wimp to me. whats wrong with telling you these things himself or try working with you.
starbright14 starbright14 9 years
a bit inappropriate if you ask me
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
I think Jasmav really made a great point, the issue isn't JUST that the family is way more open sexually than most families are, it's that his mother is telling you how to please her son! Wtf!? She told you to "give a better blow job to attract him more," that is just really out of line. And it makes me think she is going to tell you how to start doing his laundry and cutting his sandwiches (no crusts!) as well. She needs to step off, and you need to tell her, and your husband that.
michelle-c42934 michelle-c42934 9 years
woah yes, this is a bit inappropriate
kayliemarie kayliemarie 9 years
Very odd, although not completely unheard of. I have certainly known people who have been this open with their parents, but it tends to be guys being open with their fathers and girls with their mothers. However, talking about it when he knows you don't want him to IS crossing the line. You need to be very honest with him. Tell him you are completely uncomfortable and you feel like it is taking a toll on your relationship. Not to mention the fact that every time she says something to you the mother and daughter-in-law relationship gets even more strained.
Lovaajn Lovaajn 9 years
My boyfriend's family is kind-of like this. He doesn't give explicit details to his family (as far as I know), but they'll say things to each other like, "What do you think about your daughter getting f*cked by so-and-so?" or, "Mom, be a good wife and give dad head tonight." I haaaaaaaaate it and just want to leave when they do that stuff. They think it is funny that I get so weirded out....but, jesus christ, i get being comfortable with your family, but parents and children don't need to have conversations about each other's sex life. Your husband has no right to jabber to his mother about what he'd doing to you in bed. His sex life is your sex life too, and you have more of a right to keep it private than he does to blabber about it.
arbywhopper arbywhopper 9 years
My mother in-law talks to me about her sex life. Its still really gross when she does that, but my hubby doesn't talk to her about our sex life. And I just tune her out anyway!
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
If they're from european decent...that's totally normal...but it does depend on the person.
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