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You Asked: He Planned a Vacation Without Me!

Dear Sugar,

I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year and half, but we have been friends for about three years. Before I moved to Chicago, we had a long-distance relationship. I frequently flew between the East Coast and the Midwest to see him, although he never visited me. During the entire time we have been dating, we discussed going on a vacation together. Numerous times we both mentioned going on a short trip to NYC and discussed planning a bigger trip to Turkey this Summer.

I just found out that my boyfriend planned a two-week vacation for this Summer with old college friends to Prague. This trip includes people he has known for a few years, as well as their female companions. Not only was I not informed of this trip, but I'm also not invited. I feel extremely hurt. Some of my friends think I am overreacting but I feel still feel wronged because of our previous plans. If I had been invited by a group of my friends to go on a trip, I know I would have extended the invitation to him. Do you think I am blowing this out of proportion or am I justified in my reaction?
— Left in the Dust Diandra

To see DearSugar's answer

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Dear Left in the Dust Diandra,

I have to say that I'd be just as upset as you are if I was in our shoes. It would be one thing if your boyfriend was going on a guys' trip with old buddies from college, but the fact that their significant others are going, too, and you're not invited, makes me think there are much deeper problems here. Now that you're aware of the trip, have you flat-out asked him why he doesn't want to bring you? Have you met these friends before? Are there any rifts that could cause an awkward vacation for the group? Have things been rocky in your relationships lately?

Since I don't know the answers to these questions, I can only speculate as to why he's shutting you out. I would have a heart to heart with him, try to get some of your questions answered, and use this situation to touch base with regards to the bigger picture. It's very clear that he's being selfish, but instead of taking the defensive approach, let him know how he's made you feel: sad, left out, hurt, etc. At the end of the day Diandra, you're feelings are absolutely justified, but be aware that he might not budge. If that's the case, you need to determine if you want to continue dating someone who doesn't include you on such adventures, especially after a year and a half of dating. I wish you luck.

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gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
Oh...some of YOUR friends....well...is just one friend? a girl? is she going away for two weeks soon?? (kidding)... damn with those friends....
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
That would be IT for me...he's walking all over you and so are his friends by telling you...you're overreacting...
Vsugar Vsugar 9 years
You are UNDER reacting. I mean, it's POSSIBLE there's a good explanation for all of this, and one that is reasonable and doesn't make him a total jerk. But it doesn't seem very likely, now does it??? But let me tell you, JUST IN CASE, I had a friend who's boyfriend was going away on a special weekend, and she was FURIOUS and read him the riot act, and it turned out that he was going to surprise her and propose, but she was such a b*tch to him that he changed his mind, and they broke up instead. SOOOooooo, while I would also be absolutely FURIOUS, I would advise that you find a way to talk to him about this that still makes you look like a classy, well-bred lady, while letting him know that you are upset - just make sure you don't do or say anything you could be embarrassed about later, and no matter what happens - whether he's surprising you OR he's an inconsiderate JERK who's clearly not that into you, you can be proud of the way you handled yourself. Someone above said it, and they are right - if he's just a jerk, there are PLENTY of great guys out there who will cherish and love you and WANT to have you around them, and you should find one of them. We're with you, BABE!!
seraphimm seraphimm 9 years
omgawd a similar thing happened to me!!!!!!!!! I WAS sooooooooooooo furious. except, it wasn't a trip to PRAGUE. PRAGUE!!!!!!!!!!!!! when I confronted my boyfriend, he seriously HAD NO IDEA that I wanted to come along. he's either: a) a horrible boyfriend that doesn't care about you or the relationship as much as you do. (and you know you don't need to be with someone like that) b) clueless that you deserve to be invited to the trip, and how much this not-inviting-you effects you. if you talk to him and he doesn't immediately apologize and recognize that he messed up, then he really doesn't deserve you. Otherwise, don't break up with him right away, he really might not have had bad intentions!
lawdawg08 lawdawg08 9 years
get out of that relationship now!!!!
Marci Marci 9 years
I had a boyfriend who did this twice. The second time I broke up with him.
mlen mlen 9 years
i agree with all of the above! i've gone on vacations with out boyfriends before and its usually been one of these reasons a) it was a girls only trip b) it was planned before me and the bf were seriously dating, therefore it wasn't something i would have asked him to and c) well there is no c lol those are the only two reasons that were really valid! otherwise i would have either brought him or realized that he wasn't important enough to bring and broken up with him! i'm going to mexico with my 4 best girl friends in a month- we are leaving all husbands and bfs home- are they all over joyed about it? no. but they understand its a girls only trip and they accept it!
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
Just the fact that he didn't visit you had to be a big red flag. I'd be pissed at that alone. This vacation would be fine if it were just the guys but if their girls are coming than there is something wrong with this. Have you met any of these friends? Maybe they don't like you. I'd ask him about it and not let him off until he gives you a really good reason.
nohesitation nohesitation 9 years
He NEVER visited you when you lived apart?! Unless there's some great reason I don't know about, that behavior in and of itself is pretty bad. I don't think you're over-reacting at all; it really just seems like this is the straw that broke (maybe will break?) the camel's back. He seems to have treated you insensitively for quite a while.
juicylove juicylove 9 years
this situation might be okay if it was just his guy friends, but since their girlfriends/wives or whatver are invited and youre not.. he clearly doesnt want you there for some reason. its not like its just the guys and theyre going to get angry if you went too. this is definitly a bad sign.
NouvelleVie NouvelleVie 9 years
Dump him.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
Karlotta, are you okay? do you need a Midol??? xoxoxo you know things are bad when Karlotta thinks the guy is being a jerk.
karlotta karlotta 9 years
You're not blowing this out of proportions. If I were you, my head would have exploded. I don't usually say this kind of crap, and I'm sorry if it hurts to hear it but I feel like honesty is the best way to go here - I don't think this guy loves you, and I think you should get the hell out and despise his heartless ass for the rest of your life. You sound like a wonderful girl and you deserve a million times better. THERE ARE MEN OUT THERE WITH THEIR HANDS FULL OF ROMANCE AND WILD DESIRES TO GO ON A BEAUTIFUL TRIP WITH YOU. DUMP THAT JERK. AND DON'T SUFFER TOO LONG. PLEASE. WE ARE WITH YOU.
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
I had to come back. I've been thinking about this all day. If you don't live with him, I wouldn't even waste time asking him his reasoning for this. seriously, let him go on his trip. If I were you when he came back, I would be MIA and have a new phone number. Take the two weeks he's gone, go out and find a hot little fling or some great girls nights out. Obviously, the 4 years of your life you have wasted on him were NOT worth it, I wouldn't waste not one more second on him. OR give him the satisfaction of even letting him THINK it's bothering you to be rid of him.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
Donkey KONG!!!!! i'm going to say this with all the love in my heart . . .wait . . .it's TUESDAY. YAY!!! i can be a b*tch (yesss!) okay, first off when a girl makes trips to see the guy in a long distance relationship and he doesn't, that means that you're the jump-off girl. ie you're that chick that is soo sprung off his sclong that you are crazy enough to pay at least $100 for a plane ticket to come and see him. and it's all FREE sex! (score 1 for the team). then YOU were the one who MOVED to where HE lives. (i'm going to assume you were a smart enough girl to secure your career before you made such a move), but nevertheless. you're probably the one who makes a big deal about Valentine's and he is like whatever about it. You're the one who wants to live together, but he's like whatever about it. you want to go on a mini-getaway with him and he's like whatever about it. now, he's going to Prague (been there, it's really a great experience) with all of his friends, both male and female. and of course they are bringing their boo. but you're not even invited. do you know why???? a) he doesn't want to share a life experience like that with you b) he doesn't consider you a go anywhere except McDonalds type of girlfriend c) he's got another gf that he is taking instead d) you're JUST a jump-off who thinks you're his girlfriend i agree with Hotstuff; self respect starts with you. i'm sorry, but who wants to be with a man who plans a trip halfway around the world and doesn't even tell you, let along invite you??!?!? what? was he going to call you and say, "hey babe. i won't see you for a few weeks, i'm in Prague. could you walk my dog while i'm gone?" Don't be a donkey!
mcreverie mcreverie 9 years
It's ok if he goes on a trip w/o you with his old college buddies ... to maybe Vegas or something! NOT PRAGUE!! Ask him: 1) And is he still going on that big trip with you? He BETTER! 2) Why didn't he ask you to come if other sig. others were invited? 3) why didn't he even tell you about the trip in the first place? I see this as serious grounds to break up if he doesn't have the right answers.
omilawd omilawd 9 years
The fact that his friend's significant others are going and yet you weren't invited makes me feel like there's something else going on beneath the surface. Maybe he plans on meeting a bunch of girls while on vacation, or maybe he doesn't want to be around you 24/7 on the trip. I'd definitely ask him why you weren't invited when his friends are bringing their s.o.'s.
LadyAngel89 LadyAngel89 9 years
If it were my boyfriend, he had better pack everything he ever hoped to keep when he went... Because when he got back from Prauge, he so would not have a home.
j2e1n9 j2e1n9 9 years
Dump him.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
If my boyfriend wanted to go on a trip with some old friends, fine. If he planned the whole thing without mentioning it to me, I'd think it was pretty weird. I agree with the others that it doesn't sound like he's as interested in the relationship are you are. Sorry :(
ella1978 ella1978 9 years
Wait a minute.. you have friends who say you are overreacting? Maybe they need to be replaced too. You are TOTALLY not over reacting! I agree with the other posters, if it were an all boys vacation, fine, if it were a co-ed group of just college friends, fine, if it was a group of co-workers, fine, but the fact is, it is a group of friends (who I assume you know) and their significant others.. making it a "couples vacation". I'd seriously want to know why he didn't invite you. And I'd be furious too. Not even that you weren't invited, but that it seems like he was hiding the planning of the event from you too. Shady.
cvandoorn cvandoorn 9 years
Give him a taste of his own medicine. Plan your own trip with a bunch of girls and guys and don't invite him. I'd be pissed if my bf did what your bf did. Ask him what's up, and you can accept his excuse, but do realize that the relationship isn't going down the right path here.
petite42 petite42 9 years
He's giving you a loud-and-clear message. Too bad he's a gutless pansy who can't just state it outright, that you don't mean as much to him as he does to you. But there you go. Heed his message and get out of the heck out of the relationship. You deserve much better treatment.
cubadog cubadog 9 years
I think there are some details missing. There clearly is a reason behind why he went ahead and planned this trip without you. Until you put on your big girl panties and ask you will never know to me there is a much larger issue here and that is I do not think he holds your relationship in the same regard as yourself. This relationship if you can even call it that is so one-sided but than again I am not sure if he is paying for any of your flights to visit. Something just does not add up at all!
vmruby vmruby 9 years
He doesn't make an effort to come and see you, so exactly why are you still with him??? I can't even imagine what kind of lame excuses he could possibly come up with to weasel himself out of this disaster.My only advice(and exactly the way i would handle it) is to tell him to lose your number ASAP, have a nice life, and proceed to show his sorry butt the exit......
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