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You Asked: He's Not Pleasing Me in Bed

You Asked: He's Not Pleasing Me in Bed

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I are both 20, and we have been dating for almost two years. We're a very sexual couple and have sex at least three times a week, however I'm not so sure it's because he's attracted to me or because he just needs the sex. He watches porn every other day and masturbates daily. When we have sex, I usually pleasure him orally first and then we have sex because he says he won't go as fast that way. But a lot of the time after I go down on him, he won't be able to get an erection again so I end up on top doing all the work.

I just can't help but feel that he isn't attracted to me sexually, but just wants the sex from any girl. It's very frustrating both emotionally and physically. We're in love and have a very good relationship, but I just wish he wanted to please me (instead of just himself). What do I do to bring it to his attention without making him feel insecure about his sexual abilities? His lack of interest in pleasing me is making me feel unattractive and unwanted. Please help!

— All Give and No Get Gracie

To see Dear Sugar's answer


Dear All Give and No Get Gracie,

It doesn't sound like either one of you are communicating when it comes to your sexual needs and concerns. First of all, from a physical stand point, it doesn't make sense that your boyfriend wants to experience oral sex immediately preceding vaginal intercourse; men take a substantial amount of time before they can maintain a full erection after an orgasm. Though it can be as short as thirty minutes, it's still not immediate, meaning that engaging in sexual activity with you isn't going to be nearly as pleasurable as it would be if you waited for his body to fully recover.

However, your boyfriend has mentioned that he's worried about lasting long enough, so I have to wonder if he's paranoid about premature ejaculation and so avoids the possibility completely. Again, this is something that you can only learn by opening up to him and asking him to open up to you. Explain to your boyfriend exactly what you told me. Let him know that you want to learn more ways to please him during intercourse, and you want him to be more involved with your sexual satisfaction as well.

It's important to remember that your sexual needs are incredibly important. As with all other parts of a relationship, sex requires talking, so the only way to get what you want is to tell him! And don't forget to ask him what he wants, too. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
chicaparati17 chicaparati17 9 years
Bubbliegummblie!!! LOL!!! :) push his head down! you go girl!
Bubbliegummblie Bubbliegummblie 9 years
Push his head down!
jedimasterarmi jedimasterarmi 9 years
Talk to him! Let him know what's going on!
dice dice 9 years
Since he likes watching porn so much, you could ask him if he wants to watch some of his favorite porn or favorite scenes and then see if he is interested in acting them out. It may help and also be exciting for both of you to do some new moves and things that are shown on the screen...
petite42 petite42 9 years
I think he IS attracted to you sexually, so relax on that point. If you're worried his masturbating habit is because he's not attracted to you, just stop that worry right now. The issue is more likely that you get him so worked up, he has leftover sexual energy to spend. He may also be masturbating frequently in the hopes that it will slow him down before he's with you (there was a scene about this in a popular movie, Something About Mary). But that can backfire because he's training himself to be used to quick, furtive, intense pressure from his fist. Frequent masturbation often trains a man to go too quick. On the plus side, masturbation can also be used to learn how to go slower. You might suggest this to him, next time he raises concerns he's going to be too quick. Suggest he "train" himself during his solo play to get accostomed again to a different sort of stroke that isn't so fast and intense as his hand. He does sound selfish but I'll give him a pass because he's only 20. Lots of men that age are selfish in bed. Let him know that his pass will expire, however, if he's not open to learning some different tricks in bed. And to be honest, I've always found the very best lovers ARE selfish, not completely selfless. They speak up and ask for what they want. They expect their needs will be met. So maybe he needs to be less selfish, but you definetly need to be MORE so. Speak up! Here are two words you need to learn, live, love: "My turn." ;-) A few suggestions for you and him: 1) Next time you go down on him and he comes and can't get it back up, use the time productively. That's the time he should be going down on *you* - by the time you're ready, he should be ready again too. 2) When you go down on him, try stopping before he comes. Remember you are in control here with the pace. You can stop and pause, stop and pause, to train him to go slower. Do it playfully and seductively - "not yet - I haven't driven you wild enough." 3) I like the 69 suggestion; another suggestion is to get out a vibrator and have him use it on you while you go down on him. Or use it on yourself, and give him a good view to see what you like so he can learn. Then when you're good and ready, jump on him and let him come only then. "Honey I want to feel you come inside of me." If he comes too quick (he probably will), then hand the vibrator over to him and point the way. He should get the hint: just because he's done doesn't mean he's done. ;-)
sass317 sass317 9 years
At least try 69ing or something so you get some pleasure out of it as well- but I think you should stop with the oral completely before sex- from what you have said it sounds like even if you tried to get him to 69 with you he would just sit there and do nothing.
sunshowers83 sunshowers83 9 years
Luckystar is right. TFS, you and the original poster have to take some responsibility for your lack of satisfaction in bed. Guys only treat you as badly as you let them. Wear the pants for once, and tell them you're not getting what you need. Put your foot down, because until you take your own needs seriously, no guy is going to either.
Indigo4320 Indigo4320 9 years
Don't give him oral honey! I mean that's part of the problem...dear's right, it takes a while for him to get back up and even if he does it won't feel nearly as good. He's being selfish and demanding..and you're letting him. You do have to talk to him, you said you're in love and have been together two you should be able to voice this type of thing to him. Good luck!
Luckystar11311 Luckystar11311 9 years
If you've never told him that you aren't pleased, then he probably thinks that you get off every time...boys are clueless when it comes to what is good for a girl down there. Do a little experiment where you SHOW him (using your own hands) how you want to be touched. He'll be turned on in 20 seconds and will be learning exactly what you want.
TFS TFS 9 years
guys only think of themselves when it comes to sex, ive NEVER had a orgasm during sex. ever.
retrodiva retrodiva 9 years
I think you're going to have to put your foot down on this one - being a bad bed partner is just not okay. Your sexual needs are just as valid and important as his are. Let him know that, and mean it.
sunshowers83 sunshowers83 9 years
Ditto all of the above - the two of you need to TALK. It's obvious that this strategy of his isn't working. If he feels unable to discuss his insecurities about not lasting long enough, this might indicate underlying trust issues on top of the general lack of communication. Also, this might seem a little far-fetched, but not totally outside the realm of possibility... he could be gay. That could explain why he masturbates everyday but avoids being an active participant in sex with you.
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 9 years
I'm with sass317. Men WANT to please their women in bed. Boys just want to use them to get off. And if you can't be grown-up enough to talk to him about sex then you aren't grown-up enough to be in a relationship.
sass317 sass317 9 years
Its interesting to me that youre worried about his ego when hes making no effort whatsoever so please you at all. I cant beleive you have stayed in this situation for so long. Two years of going down on him AND sex where you do all the work? No thanks.
bellaressa bellaressa 9 years
You need to communicate with him, I think this should be done outside of the bedroom, tell him what will turn you on and what you like. If you don't masturbate, buy a few toys, use your finger, if you buy a back massager (make sure you keep your panties on, they can be powerful). Also, he sounds like a min man, sorry, no disrespect, he comes to quickly. You need to hold him off b/c he is coming faster and leaving you unsatisfied. If he won't gone down on you, well you either have to get over it or refuse him; it depends if you enjoy doing it as well. You really need to work on him not coming so quickly, I think that is the problem, it seems you suck him he is almost there, you get on top and take him home and then he is done and leaving you just to get off. A good way to show him how to please you is to masturbate after sex, and show him how to touch you, what turns you on and what you like. Remember, communication is key.
Berlin Berlin 9 years
You need to work a bit more on your own self esteem and worth b/c it shouldn't be dependent on his sexual urges and tendencies. You need to work on the communication b/c he may not know how you are feeling or even sense that something is wrong. If he is that sensitive, then you may need to really reassess your relationship b/c it would just show that it isn't as strong as you think. Just be upfront and honest and tell him that you want to make sex more enjoyable for you, and that you get the feeling that you're just filling a role for him. From what you said, I would never come to the assumption that he would want it from just any girl, it seems that he just wants a really great (read: porn-star-like) sex life, and just wants that person to be you he is having it with! But there is a compromise...I mean instead of making it always about intimacy and about him making you feel sexual and sensual, and pleasing you, it should be sometimes about you, sometimes about him, and most of the time about you both. I'm a firm believer in that we teach others how we are to be treated, so just take some action here and communicate. And then go have sex how you want it:)
vinlf vinlf 9 years
talk about it with him and if he can't or won't give you what you need, then move on. Could you really be with someone for the rest of your life knowing that he will never please you. Sex is a huge part of any relationship. Although it is not the most important, it can be a big divide in your relationship. By the way, this guy wouldn't happen to be my ex husband would he???
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
What do I do to bring it to his attention without making him feel insecure about his sexual abilities?
Errrr, well i can't do anything about it but you can. TALK ABOUT IT! You can't control everything so don't worry about whether he gets a complex about his sexual anything or not, and frankly it's not your job to stroke his ego anyway. And if he does become offended by anything you say, don't apologize, it's not you, it's him! Whatever issue he has, he has to deal with. But nothing will happen if you don't talk and tackle it.
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