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You Asked: He's Into S&M

You Asked: He's Into S&M

Dear Sugar,

I'm usually OK with porn. I watch it myself and have watched it with former boyfriends however, my current boyfriend has always refused to let me watch his porn with him, and recently I learned why. The porn he watches is full of incredibly disturbing sado-masochistic porn, which I had no idea he was even slightly into. We've been together for almost two years! I'm definitely not into this kind of thing, and it makes me uncomfortable that he is. Can I approach him about this? And if so, what should I say? I don't want to ban him from porn that would be hypocritical, I'm just so shocked, and I feel like I need to know what about this turns him on.

— Doesn't Do Dominance Dee

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Doesn't Do Dominance Dee,

When it comes to a couple's sex life, I think communication should always be open, honest, and direct so don't turn this into a secret you carry around or a beat around the bush conversation. Just let him know that you're aware of the particular kind of porn that he's into, and while you don't want him to stop watching it, you'd like to learn more about it. Ask him gentle questions, and avoid any kind of statements that might imply that you think something is wrong with him — if he's been trying to hide this from you, he's probably scared of being judged.

There are many misconceptions about S&M so don't let the stereotypes many of us inevitably carry around steer the conversation; instead, just hear what he has to say. Together you might want to determine how this particular sexual interest will or will not play a role in your own bedroom. And no matter what, know that it's OK if you don't feel comfortable with participating in such sexual play. Now that you've learned about his fantasies, it may take some time to adjust to, so be patient with him and yourself.


Join The Conversation
Girl101 Girl101 7 years
Not sure what kind of S&M he is into, but the only kind I have heard of is painful and not respectful to one or both involved. If this is what it is, this is not my kind of thing either. I think I would talk to him about it and tell him its OK if he is watching, but I don't think I want to watch and certainly don't want to participate. Not judging, just not my cup of tea.
cubadog cubadog 8 years
I agree that you have formed an opinion about something you do not know a lot about. Just talk to him about it; I am speculating that he possibly had a girlfriend in the past that told him it was sick and that is why he is hiding it from you. Just remain open to what he has to say if your going to judge him than keep your mouth shut.
sparklestar sparklestar 8 years
My boyfriend watches reasonably hardcore S&M/BDSM pornography and I watch it with him too. Initially I wasn't too fussed by it but as I understood it a bit more it becomes quite interesting!! Sometimes we'll forgo watching a tv program and just get out some porn instead. ;p You need to talk to him about it. He might not /know/ why he's into this stuff but if you know him and his psyche you should be able to figure it out. My boyfriend loves serving and being nice and the idea of being tied up and serving is what does it completely for him. ;p Handy! Don't judge it until you've learned about it though because that isn't fair.
Meike Meike 8 years
"The problem isn't that he's into S&M, the problem is that you described the porn as "incredibly disturbing". There are misconceptions about S&M, sure, that kind of role-playing can be great when two people love each other, okay, but there's a line..." Ditto. Communicate first and find out to what degree he likes it. If he's watching hardcore S&M, it could merely be a fantasy. Softcore S&M, on the other hand, is pretty fun...slight bondage, candle wax, feather whips... Anything more that includes actual pain would be beyond a lot of people's limits including my husband and myself. If it bothers you too much, you don't have to try it. This sort of role-playing definitely needs a greater understanding from both partners that it is exactly just that -- role-playing and nothing more.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 8 years
Definitely, talk to him about it. Find out how interested (or involved) he is about S&M. For some people, it's beyond an interest -- it's a lifestyle. So definitely find out where your boyfriend falls on the spectrum. If he's considerably involved, it would affect you and your relationship. With that said, I knew some hardcore S&M people. They were some of the most kindest, benevolent people I know. So try to keep an open mind, and try not to pass judgement.
sourcherry sourcherry 8 years
The problem isn't that he's into S&M, the problem is that you described the porn as "incredibly disturbing". There are misconceptions about S&M, sure, that kind of role-playing can be great when two people love each other, okay, but there's a line... If it completely freaked you out, I doubt that hearing what he likes about it will make you any less uncomfortable with it. Yeah, talk to him like DD said, but then you could rethink what constitutes a "deal breaker" for you. I don't know, for me, being into disturbing hard core S&M porn would be high on the list...
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 8 years
I probably shouldn't say this, but there's a chance he could be into it beyond the pornography. (I have a lot of dominatrix friends and have worked for a few s&m/sex shops before... although I would never sell myself for sex or anything like that.) And he could have the madonna/whore complex. Men like that are hard to change. I had an exboyfriend with that complex.. and he wanted to think I was this pure thinking angel, and I'm not. I had to get out of that relationship. But men tend to hide stuff only when they are ashamed of something or they want to keep it to themselves so they don't hurt anybody. If you're positive this is the only kink he's into secretly things should be okay. Like Sugar said just ask him gently. You never know when he will open up to you. He probably didn't want you to know because he didn't want to hurt or upset you. S&M doesn't have to be scary or repulsive especially when it's with two people that love each other. Role playing can do amazing things for a relationship. :) (Maybe he needs a good spanking!? lmao) There's a chance he might just like this visually. But if not you should carefully find out which side he likes about s&m.. Does he like the dom or the submissive side of it? I would suggest reading up more about it. A lot of it can have to do with how people were brought up. And yeah, my husband was into two other kinks (opposite of s&m) that he wanted to hid from me before he figured out I was into the kinks also. Sex is a beautiful thing to explore with someone you love completely. Try to stay open minded for him. :)
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