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You Asked: He Wants a Break But Still Wants Sex

Dear Sugar,

I stopped talking to my boyfriend for about a week and a half, because I felt like he had no consideration for my feelings. He is always too busy for me, and I don't feel like I am a priority in his life. We have been together for three years, and when I try to talk to him about this and tell him it doesn't make me feel loved, he says I'm crazy and he doesn't want to listen to it. I feel like relationships require work, and he thinks that they don't.

A week has gone by with no talking except for fighting through emails. We finally talked last night, and he told me this is hard for him because he is still in love with me. He thinks we need to take a break for a couple months, so we don't fight, but says we should still have sex. He says he can't even think about being with someone else right now because he is so sexually addicted to me. I asked if he would go to counseling, but he said not right away, that we need this break. I'm confused. I know we've been fighting a lot but I don't see the purpose of being separated for months. Is he just trying to get out without hurting me more, or do you think he really wants this time to evaluate what he feels in his heart?

He came over last night. He wanted to have sex but didn't know if it would
be a good idea because he didn't want me to get sad. So I pretended it was just sex. Afterward he kept telling me he loved me over and over and wouldn't let me go. He kept hugging and kissing me, and told me he bought my daughter stuff for Christmas. I feel like if this is how it's going to be, I'm just going to try and live like we aren't getting back together. I'm not going to let him think I need him even though I told him I loved him back last night. I'm just going to be independent, finish school, go out with my friends, etc. I never thought it would come to this. Any advice?

—Heartbroken and Confused

To see Dear Sugar's answer

.

Dear Heartbroken and Confused,

You have been with this guy for three years and you feel like he doesn't appreciate you, and when you try to talk to him about it, he won't listen to you? Then he says he wants to take a break, but still wants to keep having sex with you? I know it's hard to see when you're the one in the relationship, so I'll be the one to tell you. This guy has no respect for you. He's acting immature and selfish, and if he won't try to make this work, then he obviously doesn't care about this relationship.

If I were you, I'd cut off all relations with this guy. Don't talk to him. Don't email him. Don't see him and definitely do NOT have sex with him. He's toying with your emotions, and even though you said that it was "just sex," it's not true. You have a history with this man, so anything you do with him involves your feelings.

It's time to give yourself the respect you deserve by not allowing this guy to be with you anymore. It will be really difficult to break up with him for good, but it's the right thing to do. A break will only hurt you and draw this out longer than it needs to be. Do what you said. Be independent, finish school, spend time with your friends. Don't give this guy any more of your precious time. He doesn't deserve you.

Source

Join The Conversation
kittykat9714 kittykat9714 9 years
Wow... this is a blast from the past... Ok this sounds exactly like my situation with my ex. He started giving me the exact same lines and acted the same way. It took 3 years of being in a relationship to see that I needed to drop him and find somebody better. I was getting tired of him telling me he loved me and he just didn't know what to do about our fighting and me annoying him a lot. He kept saying that we needed to take a breeak from dating but still see each other some untul things got setteled. Well I was getting suspicious. When he'd leave me alone at his house I'd check his history on his messenger with my heart in my chest afraid hed get back early. He was talking with other girls, flirting, telling them he cared about them, and sending pictures of his thingy to them. Towards the end of year 3 we agreed to see other people but when we did it it would only be between just us. Which that worked because he was faithful about that part. But I was tired of it going no where. I started meeting guys online and offline. I'd go out with them. Forget em if they were jerks and keep talking to the ones I liked. The best part of knowing that you've got a bad relationship is that if you want to expirament with him then you don't have to worry about messing things up cause its gonna fail anyway, or the experiments could make it better. What I did was find info about how to read guys and how to act on a level they understand. They are so simple that it can make your brain hurt when you see how they see things. Then I tried the techniques on the guy for months. They all worked! I perfected my game while with him. Then one of the guys I met online really got to me. After seeing him for a while and knowing it was going to work I broke it off with my ex completely and married the guy I met online after a year and we still act like a fresh couple to this day and he is so conciderate of me and the relationship. My ex on the other hand who was afraid of commitment is still sore to this day because he still loves me. He married another girl the next year after we broke up just months after I married my hubby. He isn't happy with her and is rasing her kid that she didn't even know she was having until they were dating thats not his. His mom who I'm still friends with tells me that hes very short tempered with her and walks all over her. I'm sooooooooo glad that I had the courage to leave him because I met the love of a lifetime. Just follow your heart and it will lead you the right way.
mouldy mouldy 9 years
kinda was in the same situation years ago. you need to get out. and move ahead.
lvkelly79 lvkelly79 9 years
i was in a relationship for 3 years with a complete waste of my time... we fought non-stop, broke up almost daily, but yet continued to have sex (very average sex i might add)... The relationship may have been over in the first year but i prolonged the torture for 2 more years...due to my weakness... the sex kept my hope alive...i wanted him to be the gr8 boyfriend i knew he could be... BOTTOM LINE is safe yourself precious time and deal with the heartache now instead of later, you can't change anyone but urself...
donnaR donnaR 9 years
M sure the day he'z attracted to anothyer gurl he'z gonna leave u anywaz....he jus taking u for granted using u.....tell him ur so off him n break up doesnt mean he can take you to to bed weneva he likes...insane bastard....
cittypark cittypark 9 years
he's using you. he doesn't want the annoyance of having a relationship but wants all the goods of it. how selfish. i'm sure he would be furious if you did the same back.
clareberrys clareberrys 9 years
I agree with dumping him and not letting him have his cake and eat it too...but I also know that it is easier said than done. If you aren't in total agreement with the break then having sex might seem like a good idea to you so that you can still have that intimacy and you aren't completely missing your partner. But it is damaging to you and as much as you might like the sex and might like having him around - it's not worth it in the end. Just tell him you really can't be having sex with him because it is draining you emotionally and you don't think it's fair. Tell him that if he is ready to commit to you 120% then you might consider him again, but until he can give you his all just leave him be.
chancleta chancleta 9 years
ah yah no cut'em off he can't have his cake and eat it too!
vane554 vane554 9 years
I didn't read the story but like so many others said- the headline says it al -DUMP him
vmruby vmruby 9 years
Show his a$$ the door and don't look back........
shopping42 shopping42 9 years
always remember that you are a very special person and you do not have to put up with this kind of man-there is somebody out there that will love and appreciate you not treat you like this!!
determana determana 9 years
Not that you need to hear it again since it is obviously the concensus, but you need to dump this loser for good, forever! He sounds like a little nympho brat. He is playing head games with you and you will end up being the one hurt. I know breakups are really hard and you don't think you'll ever be able to move on or feel normal again but take it from someone who has been through it before, you'll get better eventually. Stay busy with work, friends, and family and you will make it through it in no time. Good luck!
KrazeeCourtney08 KrazeeCourtney08 9 years
Girl!...dont let him use you!
watereatsrock watereatsrock 9 years
Also my I recommend a book: Why Men Love Bitches...
watereatsrock watereatsrock 9 years
Well this is easy: HELL NO.
dd-sugar dd-sugar 9 years
Dear Heartbroken, this will be hard for you but like many others, I have been there and it doesn't get better. I'm embarrassed to say I tried for many more years than 3 and wished I hadn't. Respect is sooo important, and sounds like he has none for you. Hope you stay strong in the New Year. The hurt goes away--try to focus on your daughter and school. Good Luck!!
Such-A-Studette Such-A-Studette 9 years
Ok sweety, two simple words, ITS OVER! He has no more chances. You gave him three years of chances. And now all he wants is sex? PUH-LEASE you deserve someone better!
Bookish Bookish 9 years
I think his attitude is incredibly disrespectful and immature, and I know you can do much, MUCH better than this man. Think of the example you're setting for your daughter. Would you want her to be treated like this when she grows up? No? Then demand the same level of respect for yourself that you would wish for her. You can do it- I know it'll be hard, but it sounds like you'll be much better off without him. Good luck.
hills hills 9 years
firstly i think um no! but then what if he goes elese where for sex? it just depends on if he can wait for u or not. but seriously it sounds abit dodgy and self centered.
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
DON'T PLAY MIND GAMES...like somebody 'adviced'.... You have a daughter that needs you...keep your sanity for her. The guy is a JERK...out of you, like many have said, he only and ONLY wants sex...until he finds somebody "better"..... don't waste more time on this guy...heal yourself and find somebody worth it.
Julienne Julienne 9 years
Puuleeease, no way, get a parakeet he will treat you with more respect. He has not a whit of adulation for you. You're worth much more than a little sexy time here and there and it saddens me that he involves your daughter to make you feel bad. You owe him nothing and my guess would be that he knows exactly how much it hurts you yet he gives priority to his own pleasure.
jimmalou1978 jimmalou1978 9 years
I'm mostly concerned for your daughter. What kind of example is this setting for her? When she gets older, do you want her to be a doormat for selfish, inconsiderate men? OF course not! So set the example and kick this a-hole out of your life for GOOD and try to find someone that will respect you and love your daughter. Good luck. You are on the right track. Just stick to it, and whatever happens, do NOT let him just use you for sex!!!
kitkatherine kitkatherine 9 years
no, sweetie. most girls have had something similar to this. no one deserves that. no one. that is cruel. it will be hard for you, but you will have a better life without him. there are better guys out there. it's hard to believe, and i've stayed in horrible relationships, and i'd always believe the guys would just keep getting worse. i finally met someone who didn't treat me badly, at any time. know you aren't the only one out there who has these questions, so many people are just afraid to say something, and we all need support, right? you'll be a better person wihtout him.
MandyJoBo MandyJoBo 9 years
I wish self respect was as instinctual as desire.
TFS TFS 9 years
URRGHHH HES ONE OF THOES THINGS FROM THE MALE RACE THAT ONLY HAS A PENIS FOR A BRAIN.
sparklestar sparklestar 9 years
This guy is NOT worth your time at all!! No way, no how. You can find somebody who will treat you right. He can't. He can't ever.
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