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You Asked: He Wants Sex Late at Night

Dear Sugar--

I went to a bar with some friends about a month ago and met this great guy, the bartender actually. He asked for my number that night and we’ve been dating ever since. Our relationship is amazing. We have a lot in common, he makes me laugh, helps fix things around my apartment, is so sweet with my baby niece, and we have the MOST amazing mind-blowing sex – hands down, the best I’ve ever had!

The only problem is that he works really late at night, and after his shift he’ll come over, wake me up at like 3 AM, all turned on, trying to take my PJs off (and I just can’t say “no”). We don’t get to bed until at least an hour later. It's awesome that we have this physical connection --and I’m not complaining about the sex-- but I have to get up really early in the morning for work and I'm just exhausted! He does this at least 3 times a week. Since our relationship is so new, I’m worried that if I talk to him about it, we may lose our spontaneous passion. Any suggestions?

--Satisfied but Tired Tana

To see DEARSUGAR’s answer

Dear Satisfied but Tired Tana --

It looks like you have a case of the right thing at the wrong time. It’s great that you and your man are getting along so well in the bedroom, but if it’s going to compromise how you feel during the day (and your ability to do your job), then that’s just not going to work for the long haul.

Even though you’re apprehensive about losing the fiery romance, you’ve got to talk to him about this. As wonderful as it is to be sharing incredible intimacy like this, he’s got to respect your schedule. Maybe on those nights that he works really late, he can go back to his apartment instead of yours. On the nights that he’s free, you can spend the night together and plan to get to bed an hour earlier so you have time to "be together," and get still get enough zzzzz’s.

When beginning a new relationship, you’re always going to have to do a little work to weave your schedules together. As long as you’re both flexible and willing to compromise while respecting each other’s needs, there’s no reason why you can’t have a wonderful relationship and incredible sex too!


g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 9 years
I have a toddler w/him too.. so we have to work around her owl eyes being open most of the time also!!!! Chasing her around wears us out by the end of the day. ..Plus I'm younger than him, but my sex drive has always been way too high for him [or anyone really] to keep up with. But I'm loyal because when it's good -- boy is it GOOD!
g1amourpuss g1amourpuss 9 years
It will probably hurt his feelings. My husband always hurts my feelings that way. I'm a (loooong) late night humper. We have the best sex I've ever had in my entire life.. but he haaaaates to do it late at night. It makes me cry sometimes. I have to compromise for him and just be more upfront when I want a quickie w/him instead of the 'real deal' for me -- as much as it ruins the mood having to 'discuss' sex. But yeah, it might hurt his feelings.. and he might just take care of it himself then.. which could push you further away. Just feel him out CAREFULLY about it. Men are so sensitive, much more than women. They just don't talk about it.
kat32 kat32 10 years
my husband of 8 years worked in a bar..we've been together 12. I worked in a nursery and YES I was tired but you work with it (you know if its worth it!)
Daddisgrl Daddisgrl 10 years
nanillest nanillest 10 years
i love my husband so I give it to him whenever he wants it
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 10 years
all guys, i have figured out, like the nocturnal hours for groping.
barjar1122 barjar1122 10 years
He needs to come see you before he goes to work, not after.
SexyNeverLeft78 SexyNeverLeft78 10 years
If the sex is that good, you'll try to work out a schedule with him that respects your time AND his. Believe me, late night sex doesn't stop regardless of a schedule LMAO
JenCas JenCas 10 years
I'm living with the same problem. It actually happened last night. I work 9-5 my boyfriend the bartender works nights and weekends. He comes home at all hours. Sometimes depending on what i have the next day i go along with it. Sometimes i just shut him down. He understands and its something we've been dealing with for the past 2 yrs since weve been living together. Just like our work schedules are opposites so is our sex drive. I come home for lunch and hes still sleeping since he got home around 6am. I try to wake him up and sometimes he goes with it sometimes he turns me down. But regardless of our schedule we have worked things out and our sex life, after 9 yrs, is great.
sadv sadv 10 years
Reminds me of Miranda from Sex and the City!
Lizzyb23 Lizzyb23 10 years
Talk to him and see it there is any way that you could arange for it to be befor he goes to work or maybe you could try to get to sleep a little earlier, that way when he comes over you have had a good amount of sleep already.
clarapl clarapl 10 years
man, i wish i had this problem
justlookaround justlookaround 10 years
yeah, talk to him
flowidme flowidme 10 years
i agree with Dear! talk to him and reach a balanced solution.
Daddisgrl Daddisgrl 10 years
it's one thing if it's a weekend, but during the week when you have to work; it shouldn't be a regular occurrance. I've seen it happen before, the day person tried to accomodate the night person; only to be very tired at work and getting there late. It catches up with you after a while; and you'll be dragging all of the time. If he really likes you he'll understand that you can't do this on a regular basis.
annebreal annebreal 10 years
Personally I'd wake him up for a quickie before going to work to show him what it's like (and get some of that good sexing!) but it doesn't sound like he probably sleeps over just to sleep it's a lil immature (but that's also me, lol). But still fun! I say compromise...or prioritize really good sex over good sleep and job performance.
Marci Marci 10 years
You're a day person trying to have a relationship with a night person. That's difficult for both of you. Most people have a lot of trouble when involved with someone who is on an opposite schedule, so talking to him and trying to work out some kind of compromise is the only thing you can do.
duncangrl duncangrl 10 years
this IS exactly like miranda's problem in n then i read the comments and 2 ppl were saying the same thing lol
junebrug junebrug 10 years
Sex and the City episode (as someone said). In the end, after Miranda yelled at Steve for not respecting her schedule, she looked out the window to see the beautiful harvest moon and he called from the corner...and she told him to come over whenever he felt like it. Sigh. But beware of this example if you are none of the following: A. a fictional character or B. a big time corporate lawyer who can do pretty much she wants. If you have to get up at seven, you have to get up at seven. Try talking to him, getting together at other times, and make sure the weekend is his.
sugar-n-spice sugar-n-spice 10 years
ooh! good idea masqueraded!
Masqueraded_Angel Masqueraded_Angel 10 years
I say to mysteriously pop over to his apartment before he goes to work (leave plenty of time) or go to bed a little earlier at night so that you're more well rested when he comes in at 3am. And of course, talk to him. :)
reese05 reese05 10 years
Oh this is like the problem of Miranda! Oh I miss Sex and the City!
scoop45 scoop45 10 years
I agree with sugar!lol
c0rkie c0rkie 10 years
i ditto vanyvrgs :)
vanyvrgs vanyvrgs 10 years
I agree with Dear Sugar, compromise with him. I wouldn't exactly tell him no every night but am sure you two can come up with a delicate balance. Good luck and rest well.
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