Skip Nav
Surprising Qualities of Your Zodiac Sign That You Don't Already Know
Cancer Couldn't Keep This Daughter From Wedding-Dress Shopping With Her Mom
It Took Me Years to Report My Sexual Assault, but My Story Still Matters

You Asked: He Won't Commit

You Asked: He Won't Commit

Dear Sugar,

I've been seeing a man for over a year now, and he can't give me an affirmative answer as to how he feels for me. I have known him for over 20 years and would really love to be with him for the rest of my life. He's very stable and gives me the sense of security that has always been missing in my life.

I'll also add that he's currently seeing another woman that he has been with for over 10 years. I want so badly to be with him, but because of the lack of commitment, I don't know whether to just tell him to make up his mind or let me go. I've tried to stay away from him but I just can't. What can I do?

— I Need Commitment Carolyn

To see Dear Sugar's answer


Dear I Need Commitment Carolyn,

I'm going to go to the rule books on this one, and say that if he wanted to be with you, he would be with you — only you, and he would happily express this to you all the time. Now, there are always exceptions to the rules: maybe he's shy, scared, or moving slowly, but I don't think any of those things account for a year of seeing two women at once.

It's obvious that you love him, and value those good things that he brings to your life, so I think you should tell him how you're feeling, even if it's the most uncomfortable and vulnerable conversation you'll ever have. You're at your wits end so you have nothing to lose. If he asks you not to leave him, and promises to commit to you then he needs to actually do so. And if it's the other scenario, well then you need to move on from him, for good this time. It's going to hurt, but you'll be so much better off in the long run.


Join The Conversation
TFS TFS 9 years
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
I agree with Almost famous. Leave him alone.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
Move on, sheesh.
cvandoorn cvandoorn 9 years
How can you be seeing a man who's been seeing another woman for the past 10 years?? Where is your self-respect? Get out of this situation ASAP, because it won't get any better. What makes you think he's going to leave the other woman and be faithful to you? You've basically wasted a year on some jerk.
Jude-C Jude-C 9 years
Get rid of him. Seriously. He's been with another woman for 10 years and he's seeing you? He's been seeing you for a year and won't tell you how he feels? I can't think of any other reasonable, self-respecting option besides kicking him to the curb and moving on.
darkangel2305 darkangel2305 9 years
This is ridiculous...
Kristinh1012 Kristinh1012 9 years
Wow, Make yourself stay away. Use all that energy you put into him to find yourself a real man........that you can at the very least have to yourself.
gooniette gooniette 9 years
You want stability and security from a man who is with someone else. Read that sentence to yourself and tell me if it makes sense...
BeautiJunki BeautiJunki 9 years
get strong and move on, find your on stability and security cuz you like asia84 said are just a booty call...when women say they want security and stability from a man in this mfn day and age i hear low self esteem wannabe gold-digger and it's so not cute. get out work your a off and create you own stability cuz only weak men want a door mat. bring home your own bacon and fry it. i.n.d.e.p.e.n.d.e.n.t. and married to a great man. want a $70k car you need to earn it, jimmy choo, Dior etc buy it your self, so when your man chooses to spoil you it is nice and not due to his "stability". women who want to be kept are lazy and think being on their back is all it takes. sorry to be to so mfn mean but grow up and stop acting like a door mat.
geekygirl geekygirl 9 years
you girls all say it right. don't delude yourself and waste your life on this guy. he is taking you for a ride and probably destroying any self-worth you have by playing you off against his woman. get outta there and enjoy life with just you in it for a while.
JessNess JessNess 9 years
WALK AWAY NOW!!!!!! Stop trying to fool yourself into staying with him! You are obliviously the other woman. He can't even be faithful with someone who he has been with for 10 years and you expect him to make a commitment with you! Save yourself even more wasted time and find a man who actually wants to be with you and not use you
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
Your going to stay with this man, let him use you and then wake up one day wondering where your life went. Of course he isn't going to tell you whether he can commit or not, or what he feels or not, because he doesn't have to. He knows you'll still be there to use and abuse. Unfortunately we've all seen women like you in your situation. It doesn't matter what anyone says you'll still stick around to be played like a fool. This situation has a lot to do with self respect. You MUST respect yourself! Don't let anyone or any man play with your emotions this way. Your no angel either considering you KNOW he has a woman he's been with for ten years. It's not up to HIM to let you go it's really just up to you to find that respect for yourself and walk away from such a miserable and unfulfilled life. I also hope that you can get counseling to find out what allows you to consider such a dysfunctional relationship as security. Please find the courage to move on. There's a man out there who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Brookie1285 Brookie1285 9 years
move on girl
Poster-of-a-Girl Poster-of-a-Girl 9 years
lickety split took the words out of my mouth! what kind of security is he providing you with exactly?
lickety-split lickety-split 9 years
i don't see the "security" you mention. in fact it seems that this relationship is makeing you feel very insecure. this sounds more like an addiction than anything else. and you know if he's been seeing someone else for 10 years and hasn't commited to her why would he commit to you after just 1 year. he's bad for you; you feel bad because of the way he treats you. eventually you will have enough and get on with your life, it just hasn't gotten bad enough...yet.
iRose iRose 9 years
Your obviously the other woman in his life. Either you accept that is the role you have or move on. It's your choice. You put yourself in it, don't expect him to help you get out of it.
popgoestheworld popgoestheworld 9 years
This sounds like a case of unrequited love. I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem like this is the one for you. You say you "can't stay away". That makes this sound a little like an addiction, not a healthy relationship. Somewhere out there is a person who will want to be with YOU in the same way you want to be with HIM. Wait for it. It's worth it.
Berlin Berlin 9 years
I mean if he's been with her for 10 years and seeing you for the last year, what is the chance he's going to make a commitment to you ? And if he did, do you really think he would actually honor it or just find someone else to bring along after several years in? Open your eyes and honor yourself a bit here and say ciao to the *nothing* that you have been clinging to.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 9 years
girl, if he cant commit to the other woman whom he has been with for 10 YEARS, then he's obviously not thinking of committing to u any time soon. and why are u allowing the other woman thing to go on for so long? im thinking u should've asked to be exclusive a long time ago ... come on, give urself some respect, dont u think u deserve better???
carak carak 9 years
omg WALK AWAY! he's prob just using you for sex (if you are having sex with him, otherwise i have no clue why he'd be keeping you around anyway). if he's being evasive as to how he feels about you, he obviously doesn't love you or want to marry you or be with you for a long-term relationship. he might be a great guy, but it's apparent he doesn't want you.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Stop letting your delusions give you a sense of security that he obviously doesn't. He doesn't like you like that. Respect yourself and move on.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
child, he don't want you. you're just his f*ck-buddy. YOU just won't admit that to yourself. by the way, the other chick has a leg up on ya. he's more likely to commit to her (if he already hasn't, and just tells you that she's just a friend)than he is to you. i don't wanna hear anymore whining and crying. stop talking to him. move on with your life, and get some self-esteem. don't be so naive in life either. i mean HELLO (hears echo).
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 9 years
He's playing you like a fiddle. I can't put it any more simply than that without getting mean. Even if you ultimately developed some strength and told him to commit and he did (it won't happen, but just imagine), do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man who had to be pushed and prodded and begged into committing to you? And one that was satisfied with having you be "the other woman" for so long? Wise up, leave him, cut off all contact, and try to learn something from this disaster of a situation.
almost-famous almost-famous 9 years
Geez... Just leave him alone!
From Our Partners
Latest Love
All the Latest From Ryan Reynolds