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You Asked: He Won't Help With the Bills

You Asked: He Won't Help With the Bills

Dear Sugar,

My live-in boyfriend is helpful around the house, the sweetest person on earth, and I love him so much, but he has never contributed to our household bills — it's my house. I think he has paid one phone bill and one utility bill in three and a half years. It's very uncomfortable for me and I'm starting to feel resentful. We have no communication about this, except him telling me things will get better, only after I start to complain. He even owes me money that I loaned him a few months ago. I feel like I've hit the point where I have to tell him to move. I love him but I don't know what to do. Any advice?

— He's Bleeding Me Dry Bevin

To see Dear Sugar's answer

Dear He's Bleeding Me Dry Bevin,

You've got to tell your boyfriend that if he doesn't start carrying some of the financial weight then he has to move out. Come up with a fair budget for the both of you and present it to him — make sure that you include a monthly payment for the amount he owes you, too. Obviously, if he can't agree to this or doesn't follow through then you have to be firm about having him move out. You can't continue to pay the way for both of you, especially since it's creating resentment.

It's not uncommon for people to go through lazy or unproductive periods, but three and a half years is unacceptable if you ask me. I would be seriously worried if your boyfriend is as unconcerned about finances as he seems to be. If you guys are planning to continue your relationship and either enter into a long-term partnership or marriage, I would think long and hard about your decision. Of course, it's okay for one person to shoulder more of the burden, but it has to be something both people have agreed upon together; otherwise, it's a recipe for disaster. Good luck.

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n_west_gurl n_west_gurl 9 years
I have a similar issue only a shorter time frame and I laid it out on the table after I became increasingly resentful. You have to not only say something but take action. He is taking advantage and no real man who is worth anything would let a woman carry him like this let alone for so long. Gain some perspective have him leave and see if you really want him back or if he became a sort of habit or a toadie of sorts. Good luck!
7kimba7 7kimba7 9 years
How has he lived there for 3 years without contributing at all? Have you never asked him for money to contribute to your mortgage? Just because you own the house doesn't mean he shouldn't pay to live there. And I am also confused about the "we never talk about it but he says it will get better." It makes me think that you just say "gee if you have money next month, could I get a $20." Not a whole lot of info was given, but my perception is that you need to be more assertive and come out and say look, utilities and mortgage are not free. You need to pay your share or you need to move out.
CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 9 years
I think after 3 years of this its time to realize that hes probably not going to help out. Try talking to him about it again, and if he still doesnt want to hand over some money, then give him the boot. Its more than just being a nice person, or loving someone, you have to know that this person is going to be there to help you out when times get rough, no matter then situation. And it looks like this guy is clearly not cut out for that.
tiff58 tiff58 9 years
I've been through this before, and, let me tell you, it ended badly. The resent became greater and greater, and there was just no turning back for me. You've got to put a stop to it somehow- break up or make him pay. I'm sorry that you are going throug this.
Cassandra57 Cassandra57 9 years
The biggest issue here: Get the "WELCOME" tattoo removed from your back, because you're being a doormat. I say that with love, my SiL was one for over 20 years of a bad marriage. Don't let that be you!
LuvLeoDiCaprio LuvLeoDiCaprio 9 years
That's really not cool and it should have been something that was discussed and outlined before he even moved in.
Assume-Love Assume-Love 9 years
If it costs you nothing extra to have him living with you (ie, you wouldn't need a paying roommate if he left), and you're feeling loved and in love, what he contributes to the budget is irrelevant. What is relevant is your resentment. If you're feeling resentful, you're giving more than you want to give. That's a love-crusher. It won't buy you love, because resentment always drives out love. Sounds like he'd be easier to love if he lived elsewhere or paid to live in your home, so ask for that.
almost-famous almost-famous 9 years
I agree as well with Marci, I am not one of these women either! I guess aggresive IS in?
Marci Marci 9 years
There ARE women who find this kind of arrangement acceptable; they have their little houseboy who takes care of everything and I guess they like the power. I, however, am not one of those women, and since the situation bothers you, I guess you aren't either. My main question is why did it take so long for you to get resentful? Three years of this guy living for free? I hope he's unbelievably amazing in bed because I can't think of any other reason to put up with his mooching.
michelleannette michelleannette 9 years
it's going to be hard to change something you have let happen for 3 years. he needs to grow up and start contributing. talk to him about it and tell him what you think he should contribute to. i would think he should may a portion of the mortgage, utility bills, phone, etc. he's living under YOUR roof--you have to be the landlord. if he can't accept this, kick him out...i'm sure it will be hard for him to find a place that lets him live rent/bill free.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
It's great that he helps out around the house and is sweet to you but what does he do with his money? You have to ask him to pay one or more of the bills each month. If he doesn't want to then you need to take a serious look at your relationship. It's not fair for you to pay all the utilities. I can understand that you need to pay the mortgage and for household repairs but he uses the phone and electricity too right? He should understand where you are coming from. Just make sure you tell him that you appreciate his help around the house but you need some help with the bills.
mlen mlen 9 years
i'm gonna take the less harsh approach here- yes its completely unacceptable what he is doing, but i'm assuming you want to stay with him as long as he contributes? then i'd put it the way someone above said- tell him you NEED the money. exactly what they said- your pockets aren't endless and you are in a strain and you need him to contribute his fair share. i say do it this way for 2 reasons- first off- its less accusatory and harsh- you are telling him you need him to help you- you aren't yelling at him for being such a slacker. 2- if he doesn't respond to the fact that you NEED him to do this, then he's a first rate loser. and you can tell him he doesn't give you what you need so move out and move on!
cittypark cittypark 9 years
mm scrub? he's been mooching off of you for the past 3 1/2 yrs and you haven't said anything?? first off, he's living in your house! the LEAST he should be doing is paying some bills. no offense, but you need a real man. someone who is willing to be an equal in this relationship. you shouldn't just be resentful, but ANGRY.
almost-famous almost-famous 9 years
This is what independent women have to worry about. Maybe the only issue too, however, this guy like Bellaressa said is a mooch. I'm guessing he's not working(i.e. helping around the house and loans). Stop looking to nurture boys and get a MAN!
Pistil Pistil 9 years
Not cool... You've let this go on far too long. I can't say anything that hasn't already been said.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
how the hell does someone owe you money and you find them a sweatheart?!?!?!?!? are you 'flicted in the mind?! ok, let's be rational here; do you have high speed internet access a 2nd bathroom and private parkin? because if you do, i'm moving in, and i'm gonna need to borrow about $1,200 to buy a pair of shoes . . . why spend mine, when i can spend yours? oh yeah, and do you accept pets??? i hate to get rid of my cat. . .
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
This is one reason why i don't believe in living with a man who isn't my husband. and on that note; you don't have a live-in moochie boyfriend, you have a big-a*s kid. ewwww. he owes you money?!?!? i wouldn't even repeat that crap to no one else (luckily, on here we have unconditional, sometimes tough luv for ya). he's a LOSER! if that hurts your feelings, guess what, i'm NOT sorry. he's a loser! dump him. this relationship is going nowhere except the bottom of you pocket book.
chakra_healer chakra_healer 9 years
Tell him to GTFO, in those words, and move on. There are men who are sweet, help around the house, have a job, and will be an equal contributor to your household. I hate to use this term, but don't "settle" for less than you deserve.
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 9 years
He's using you. If you love him like you say you do (I could never love someone who's happy to take advantage of me) you should want the best for him, which means learning to be an adult and take care of himself. Toss him out and see if he's still willing to be with you. If he isn't, then he never loved you back, he just wanted a meal ticket.
hotstuff hotstuff 9 years
You better kick that mooch to the curb! Don't expect him to all of a sudden help with the bills after 3.5 years of being a mooch. He'll probably help out for a month or two and then go back to being a bum. Sorry to say but it is your fault. You should have never let this go on for so long. Trust me a future with a man like this who takes no responsibilty for himself or his bills is a sad one! Time to find a new roomate and a new MAN!!!
bellaressa bellaressa 9 years
I'm sorry your letting a man live of you. Can I move in too. Seriously, he doesn't pay for food, lights, phone, or anything. What does he do. Does he warm the bed, sit around and eat the food you buy. Does he use your electricity that you pay for playing video games and using the computer. You need to tell him things have changed. It's time to get an itemized list together and let him know what he will be paying starting next month. If he doesn't like the list give him 2 weeks to move. You can still do the relationship without living together. I have a strange feeling once you start asking for money he will break up with you. So be prepared. He is a mooch, 3 years, he has never he said here is 10 dollars. Also, since he owe you money you need to also ask for that up front so he won't disappear but be prepared to get nada. Be strong, know that you deserve better, and never let anyone move with you if they are not willing to help. Anytime someone moves in with you and never mentions, "hey, since I am living here, here is my share." without you asking or harping - RED FLAG.
fashionhore fashionhore 9 years
One thing I learned from my dad that I am so glad that I listened too, Do not loan money or support someone EVER! There is a difference when you are married, obvs., but this is a no no when you are simply dating. Three-and-a-half years is too long to be helping him out, and you can't possibly think that this will go anywhere (like marriage or long-term partnership) when you have had to support a grown-up. Sweet doesn't cover up his major flaw: not being able to support himself and be a responsible adult.
kurniakasih kurniakasih 9 years
Dear Bleeding You Dry, It's partly your fault that YOU LET it happen for 3 1/2 yrs. It sucks but it's true. The topic of finances should've been discussed so early in the beginning of the relationship about how he's going to pay or how much of the portion of the money he needs to invest in your mortgage payment/rental payment (since he's practically a roommate). I understand that he's a sweetheart of a bum, blablablabla and that you love him, but in the end you'll have to make a decision either accept things the way they are (he's not paying or he's going to pay so little or so sporadically--because I don't believe that he will contribute equally due to the fact that you've let him off the hook for so long) OR tell him to move out. If you do want him out of the house, you need to give 30 day notice (yeah, he probably doesn't deserve 30 days, but you kind of need to give him that long of a notice for legal purposes), put the notice in a piece of paper. Want to make it more official, send it via post office too, certificate mail...to your own house. If you don't do this, if it gets to court, he can counterclaim that you didn't give him proper notice to move out. And if he's not moving out, you can probably claim a peace order requesting him off the property. And make sure that you know your state's regulation about storage too (because if he doesn't bring all his belongings with him immediately, he may want to sue you for property etc), so you'll know how long he has to remove his belongings off your house, because afterward, you can either throw them out (being that it's there for the longest time that it is legally abandoned by him) or put them in storage and sue him for storage fee. Sorry that it has to happen that 'extremely' but it seems that it has to be like that. He's only going to be motivated if he realized that you're not going to be letting him off the hook. As for the 'loan', OY, I think unless you write him a check with a note: LOAN, and that he's signed a promissory note to declare that he's going to pay the loan in such and such time, it's going to be REALLY hard to collect knowing how the history is between you two, no judge in the right mind is going to award you the loan money (even the half the rent money for 3 1/2 yrs) after learning about your history with your bf. You'll probably have to swallow that loan and let it be. Yes, you've 'paid' a lot to be in this relationship, at least, you won't be paying anymore once you two are not together anymore. Take it from me, I used to be like you with my ex-fiancee, so I know how it goes. And y'know what, once my ex was by himself, he managed to be successful financially as in, he KNOWS how to take care of his finances and gets a good job, pays his own house payments, etc so I can tell you safely that the only reason your bf's this way it's because you've been very lax regarding finances so he's been taking advantage of it. Good luck to you though.
retrodiva retrodiva 9 years
You just have to sit down and figure out what your expectations are. Don't expect him to know what you want. Gather up all the bills, make a list, and sit down with him. Let him know that in the interest of good communication, you want to talk about how you can equally share in the support of your household. Then make an agreement and stick to it. Good luck!
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