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You Asked: He Won't Let Me Get Over Him

You Asked: He Won't Let Me Get Over Him

Dear Sugar,

I'm having a hard time getting over my first lover. I lost my virginity to him a couple of months ago, but since then we've ended things. It was long distance so we flirted a lot via Internet chats, email, etc. I realized I just can't manage a long-distance relationship, but I still can't get him out of life. He's in my thoughts and everything reminds me of him.

Something about his personality makes me feel so confident, but the distance and a big age difference has made me sure I need to let go. Except each time I sign online he sends me a flirty message. He even sends me sweet text messages on my phone. His contact only fuels the fire. I can't seem to forget him or stop responding to him.

— Completely Helpless Hallie

To see DearSugar's answer,


Dear Completely Helpless Hallie,

Letting go can feel nearly impossible when you still care about someone but know that being with them isn't the right decision. We can't choose who we fall in love with, but we have a choice about who we want to be with, and considering the age gap and the distance, it sounds like you've made the right choice for you. Unfortunately, making the decision to end a relationship is only one half of the equation in moving on. Then the real willpower has to kick in!

Obviously his consistent contact is making things more difficult than usual, so it's time to cut all ties. I wouldn't go so far as to change your number or screen name, but blocking him on your IM or asking for some space would be effective in diminishing interaction. But regardless of his effort to stay in touch, it's really up to you to no longer respond to him. It's not an easy thing to do, but it is a very important step in letting go.

Eventually time will do the trick, but for now, if ignoring him seems impossible, just try responding without actually pressing "send." Turn off your computer or remove his phone number and delete his messages before even reading them. It's not fun, but it'll get easier each time you do it.


Join The Conversation
nutmeg21 nutmeg21 9 years
i was actually in the same situation but i told him almost immediately after our visit that i didn't want to talk to him for a while because i wanted to get over him. i realized he was totally narcissistic and that was the biggest turn off/disappointment. so i blocked him on im & deleted him from my social networking pages. i missed him for a while but when i visited his myspace a couple months later & saw that i had already been replaced I realized how silly the whole relationship had been. oh well. i honestly think most guys use the internet & long distance relationships to stroke their ego, while they are really just in love with themselves. watch out girls.
TidalWave TidalWave 9 years
I don't understand the problem? Block him from aim, have all of his emails automatically marked as unread and archived (gmail does all this for you). Now, this may not work for you, but I did change my phone number when an ex wouldn't leave me alone. I knew it was the only way to get him to stop contacting me. However, this is actually a really funny question! Considering it was an LDR, honestly, breaking up and getting over should be easier!! Since you don't see the person every day or drive past their house or see them at the supermarket, lol. Unless you're 15, you should be able to handle this. Good luck.
Janine22 Janine22 9 years
If you are sure that you need to let go of him, then you need to do just that. You need to cut off ALL contact, it will be the only way you will be able to stop thinking about him so much. Then start doing more fun things in your life, and spending time with family and friends more. When you feel ready start dating again.
lizlee89 lizlee89 9 years
I have been through this before, except that not only had we been broken up for over a year, but he was now getting married. He was a very good friend, and after years of friendship we started dating. Even though we loved each other very much, it was difficult because he was a friend of my older brothers, my dad didn't like him, and our mutual friend were always wierd about it. We ended it amicabaly, but it still took a lot out of me to get over him. What made it especially difficult was that we stayed friends, so, more than a year later, I still was not over him. Then, he announced he was getting married to his new girlfriend. I took it so hard that I finally had to tell him that I couldn't talk to him anymore, and I couldn't come to his wedding. It was very difficult, and I still think about him from time to time, but I have moved on. So, just take mmy advice and DearSugar's advice, just try to cut him out of your life completely. It's going to be hard, but eventually you'll get to a place where you might even be able to be friends, like I am now with my ex.
blooditsnotfunny blooditsnotfunny 9 years
Aww nice advice, GlowingMoon.. I agree.
blooditsnotfunny blooditsnotfunny 9 years
If you really think you need to get over him then you should obviously get a different screen name or block him on your IM client. I shouldn't need to tell you this! It's easy enough to get someone out of your life if you really want to. It looks like you don't want to.
Kimpossible Kimpossible 9 years
"Don't blame him. You're the one that allows him into your life. If you wanted to be over him, you'd be working on it by putting him off of your life." I agree with RockandRepublic. You need to take responsibility for yourself.
K-is-For-Kait K-is-For-Kait 9 years
It's hard to give an anwser on this one because it's hard to know what the relationship is all about. You're referring to him as a "lover" and not a boyfriend, so was it a relationship based mainly on sex? Did you break up because of the distance or for other reasons? These are important things to know and they're not really clear here. If he broke up with you, I could especially understand why this could be hard. I've been there. Guys who still want to be friends despite hurting you have good intentions, but they really can send mixed messages. If you broke up with him, it's your decision to stick with your original decision or discuss any changes of heat you've had since. Either ay, if you feel you need space, just tell him. If he cares he would try to respect that. If he can't stop messaging you and you continue to reply, you can't blame anyone else because you are the one perpetuating it all by answering him.
Marci Marci 9 years
You're the one who wanted to end it, from the sounds of it, and he sounds like he's still interested, so it really is up to you to make the break. That means you need to take the steps to end communication. There's a way to block it showing that you're online. You need to start taking those kinds of steps.
geekygirl geekygirl 9 years
call me a cynic, but something funny is probably going on with him. a) seems to be a predominantly online relationship which he has hooked up with her once (?) or a few times for sex - hardly a firm relationship, maybe something which could develop if they were together, but difficult if they don't spend much time actually together. b)he's significantly older than her (such that she acknowledges that this is an issue) - here's the cynic coming out but he's probably an older guy in a relationship who is entertaining himself by getting on with this girl. there's no risk for him so long as any woman in his real life world doesn't catch on - and if his main 'sweet acts' are sending her cute PMs and texts, that is pretty low risk. and let me guess, when they did hook up it was because he was visiting the area on business, not because he made a special trip to be with her - or he made her pay to visit him and then spent the time hooking up in a hotel room rather than actually doing stuff together c)if he isn't into doing more than exchanging flirty messages and hooking up for sex, then he's just not that into her and he is well worth forgetting about. I reckon do as dearsugar suggests,tell him you aren't interested anymore, if he won't leave you alone stop reading his texts, don't read his PMs (block him if you have to) and either enjoy life in the real world by yourself or start dating some guys in your area. Just because you lost your virginity to this guy, doesn't mean you are bound to him (if i think of the idiot i thought i 'loved' when i lost my virginity, i'm super glad i moved on from him!!!!) this is just mho but i reckon i'm on the money.
pureperfection pureperfection 9 years
actually, i agree with snowbunny. please dont, im in the same situation as you dear, and i trust that me & him, although separated by distance & age will make things work, have faith in yourself & him. i twice thought of ending my relationship with that guy too. but i love him to dearly, i dont know if he really feels the same for me. but i choose to follow my heart & i believe me & him will meet some day. & then we will REALLY fall in love.
fantome14 fantome14 9 years
If you really want to stop thinking about him, you do need to do what Dear Sugar suggest and block him and ask him not to text you. Given that you decided to break it off, his constant flirtation is unfair to you. The "out of sight, out of mind" principle really works, I promise.
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
Don't blame him. You're the one that allows him into your life. If you wanted to be over him, you'd be working on it by putting him off of your life.
Meike Meike 9 years
Uh, I'm with my husband who is my first love which began as a long-distance relationship and still temporarily is one whenever he's in school. As for pursuing the LDR relationship, don't do it if you feel you can't handle it. LDR relationships take a lot of strength and love to endure.
GlowingMoon GlowingMoon 9 years
"Something about his personality makes me feel so confident, but the distance and a big age difference has made me sure I need to let go." I'm glad you're introspective to know why he appeals to you so much -- he makes you feel confident. In order to effectively cut ties with him, you need to find another way to feel good and confident about yourself. Ideally, find or develop some INTERNAL resource for that, so you're not dependent on an external source, like another person, and in your case, your said ex. You've given him a lot of power over you -- your sense of well-being. It's no wonder you can't forget him or stop responding to him. He's kind of like a drug -- a feel good drug. You keep going back for more. Take back that power, honey. Develop ways to feel confident and good by yourself. Once you do that, I think you'll find it easier to disconnect from him, and move on.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
If she likes him so much, why did they break up? If you can't stop thinking about someone, they are still contacting you flirtatiously, and your hugest issue is distance, then why not just keep dating, or at least be friendly? If he didn't treat her poorly, which is an ENTIRELY different story, then what exactly is the issue here? If they weren't that into each other, this wouldn't even be a problem. And FYI, some of us are still dating our first loves, five years later and it's fantastic.
shy_baby shy_baby 9 years
um, not so good advice snowbunny11. she needs to cut ties till she has moved on emotionally. Remember this is her 1st lover, not a long distance fling... I agree with dearsugar.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
I suppose I would be interested in why you broke up. Was it the distance? Or did he cheat, or turn out to be a complete jerk? I can't believe I am going to say this since I am in such a monogamous, defined relationship, but why exactly do you need to get over this guy? I understand LDRs can be really difficult, I am in an LDR and engaged, but why do you guys have to exclusive? Why don't you flirt with him and have fun with him online, maybe even visit every once in a while, and date other people on the side? If either one of you get really serious with someone else you are dating, you could always just cool it with the flirtation, etc. It would certainly help you get over him if you meet someone else, or if he does and stops flirting, so why not have fun in the meantime? Who knows, some day at the right time and place, you two could make a "real" couple. One of my friends is still in touch with an ex from college. They are friends who visit each other occasionally and flirt a ton. They've done this for over a year and it's working out just fine for them.
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