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You Asked: His Best Friend Hates Me

Dear Sugar,

Although I wasn't actually looking, I met a guy online through a forum and we just fell for each other. We have known each other about two years now but declared our feelings for each other within the last year. He says he really loves me, and I love him. He lives in another country, so obviously it's a long-distance relationship. I have never met him in person but we talk on the phone, through IM, and via email. We're finally meeting up this Summer for the first time.

The problem is that his best friend and one of my close friends — another girl we met through the same forum, didn't know about us. We didn't tell her because we both knew that she had a crush on him. She is very possessive over him, and we were both concerned about how she was going to handle it. Long story short, she discovered that we liked each other indirectly and now she is upset and hurt, and decided to take all of her anger out on me, not him.

He feels badly that all of this happened but wants us all to be friends again. He's still friends with her and that upsets me because she has treated me very badly. I don't trust her and he doesn't seem to get it. Will our relationship last knowing that she is in the middle? What should I do?

— Not So Friendly Nora

To see DearSugar's answer


Dear Not So Friendly Nora,

Regardless of how close your boyfriend is with this other girl, there should never be someone in the middle of your relationship. In fact, I think some would say that it's not a good idea for your boyfriend to maintain a close friendship with someone whom he knows has feelings for him. All three of your relationships are already complicated by the fact they're long distance and have yet to meet face to face, so if you really want this to work there needs to be some clear boundaries.

Now that the cat's out of the bag, it's your boyfriend's responsibility to set the ground rules with his friend. While I do think that you should be kind and pleasant to her, I don't think you should be expected to try to win her friendship back. Your boyfriend should let her know that you and he are a couple and she needs to learn to live with that. If he can't do that, then I would have a serious discussion with him about what he wants from you as his girlfriend and vice versa. Whether it's online or long distance, much of a relationship is about getting your needs met so be clear with him about what your needs are. Good luck.


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