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You Asked: His Best Friend Hates Me

Dear Sugar,

Although I wasn't actually looking, I met a guy online through a forum and we just fell for each other. We have known each other about two years now but declared our feelings for each other within the last year. He says he really loves me, and I love him. He lives in another country, so obviously it's a long-distance relationship. I have never met him in person but we talk on the phone, through IM, and via email. We're finally meeting up this Summer for the first time.

The problem is that his best friend and one of my close friends — another girl we met through the same forum, didn't know about us. We didn't tell her because we both knew that she had a crush on him. She is very possessive over him, and we were both concerned about how she was going to handle it. Long story short, she discovered that we liked each other indirectly and now she is upset and hurt, and decided to take all of her anger out on me, not him.

He feels badly that all of this happened but wants us all to be friends again. He's still friends with her and that upsets me because she has treated me very badly. I don't trust her and he doesn't seem to get it. Will our relationship last knowing that she is in the middle? What should I do?

— Not So Friendly Nora

To see DearSugar's answer


Dear Not So Friendly Nora,

Regardless of how close your boyfriend is with this other girl, there should never be someone in the middle of your relationship. In fact, I think some would say that it's not a good idea for your boyfriend to maintain a close friendship with someone whom he knows has feelings for him. All three of your relationships are already complicated by the fact they're long distance and have yet to meet face to face, so if you really want this to work there needs to be some clear boundaries.

Now that the cat's out of the bag, it's your boyfriend's responsibility to set the ground rules with his friend. While I do think that you should be kind and pleasant to her, I don't think you should be expected to try to win her friendship back. Your boyfriend should let her know that you and he are a couple and she needs to learn to live with that. If he can't do that, then I would have a serious discussion with him about what he wants from you as his girlfriend and vice versa. Whether it's online or long distance, much of a relationship is about getting your needs met so be clear with him about what your needs are. Good luck.


Join The Conversation
myystque myystque 9 years
I don't think calling someone "narrow-minded" if you truly believe they are not being open to alternative lifestyles or relationships is childish. Also, you could meet someone in person and still not know if they are hiding someone in their basement. I was just reading another "Dear Sugar" question where a girl said that she had been dating some guy and didn't know until a month later that he was actually living with a girlfriend!
petite42 petite42 9 years
My advice is to make sure he's not stringing her along. I.e., playing BOTH of you. She's acting like she's the girlfriend, not you... she views you as the interloper. Maybe he has given her reason to believe this particular scenario. It just seems odd to me that he kept his relationship with you a secret from her. I would want to know WHY. Seems something may not be on the up-and-up here. Maybe he is saying the same things to her, that he's saying to you...
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
Sarah-thanks! Karlotta-I know that my second post was really long, I think you maybe didn't read it because I clarified what I said earlier... I think unique love stories are great, and my boyfriend knows a couple that got ENGAGED online, and married the first time they met, and they are still going strong! That doesn't mean that a certain degree of fantasy isn't taking place when you are dating by distance for two years! You don't argue about who is doing the dishes, or needs to walk the dog or who to hang out with on a friday night. You don't even really know if you are sexually attracted to the person! Granted, this question wasn't even about that, so maybe I shouldn't have brought it up, and I don't want to minimize the asker's problem, but honestly, she is worrying about some girl she has never even met who wants to have a relationship with her boyfriend that NEITHER of them have ever met!! I just think it does make it less of an urgent issue...I mean, what is the friend going to really be able to do to interfere with your relationship online? Hopefully, the boyfriend will understand that it isn't very kind of him to remain friends with someone who is so mean to his girlfriend, at least until she gets over her anger. And, I hope the meeting will go well this summer!
RockAndRepublic RockAndRepublic 9 years
I'm with snowbunny on this one. I don't doubt that their feelings are probably genuine and will amount to a relationship, but for all she knows this guy could be hiding a secret family or a basement shrine to Hannah Montana or any number of weird things that are impossible to know until you meet in person.
Agreed. It's also why i can't give any advice on this one.
sarah_bellum sarah_bellum 9 years
I'm with snowbunny on this one. I don't doubt that their feelings are probably genuine and will amount to a relationship, but for all she knows this guy could be hiding a secret family or a basement shrine to Hannah Montana or any number of weird things that are impossible to know until you meet in person. And it's why the answer to her problem is to block the psycho beyotch and sweetly explain to this dude just how she feels. And then again when they meet up this summer until he understands how she feels. And calling somebody narrow-minded when all they are doing is disagreeing with you is pretty childish.
karlotta karlotta 9 years
Snowbunny, forgive me if I sounded rude, but your post said "Um, not to be a total jerk, but you have "known" this guy for two years and you really love him and you've never met him? This is not a real relationship, but you're living a fantasy. " - I found your judgment really harsh and uncalled for. Who are you to judge whether she "knows" him or not, loves him or not, whether it's a real relationship or not, and to simplify the situation by calling it a "fantasy"!? Relationships and love take all shapes and forms, and what really bothered me was that your comment (and others...) made it sound like, because their story doesn't fit the "regular", "normal" frameset of relationships, it wasn't worthy of being qualified as such. To top it all, her query has nothing to do with the validity of her feelings or their relationship, so I don't see in what way it helps to put THAT back in question! I was put on the spot and disparaged by a lot of people who didn't take seriously my "being in love" with someone I had never met in person - but it was real, I had the sleepless nights and the thumping and the not-wanting-to-spend-any-time-without-you, and yes, the sexual desires that go with all of it. So I wanted to defend the poster because I know what it feels like when people don't give your feelings any credit simply because they have never lived what you have and it seems off-norm to them. That's exactly what I call narrow-minded. We're all entitled to our opinions; you think people like us live "fantasies", I think people like you are "narrow-minded". Fair game! ;)
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
*oops, meet him!
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
My issue obviously wasn't that they met online, or maintain a relationship through the internet, but that they had been "dating" two years and have never met. Until you see how a person reacts to situations in real life, how they interact with friends, waiters, animals, etc. I don't think you can really fully know a person enough to be in love. Even for two years, there can be a lot that you will not know about a person until you meet. You're not going to go to a party together and have one person get bored, or start flirting, or have to deal with a whole bunch of other issues when you are dating over the internet. You have a lot of the "easy" parts of a relationship without the hard ones! I know plenty of great couples who met online, and my boyfriend and I maintain our long-distance relationship online using skype, scrabulous, gchat, ichat, e-mail, yahoo games, etc. I think the fact that you have "known" each other for two years is going to make you SO much closer when you actually meet, if you hit it off. *It's really sad that people called me narrow-minded and obnoxious when I was very polite about my opinion, and I know a lot of people (maybe not in an internet forum) would agree with me anyway. I even said, "I may be off here" and people still resorted to name calling. That is really unbelievable.* I think even couples who have primarily long-distance relationships, and have never spent a lot of time together have the same issues. My friend's boyfriend lived 7 hours away for the 4 years of their relationship, and only moved to be near her recently. They are doing great, but definitely have had issues adjusting! I think skigurl put it really well, it just seems strange to worry about some girl you have never met interfering with a relationship with some guy she has never met either! That being said, block her, and I hope you feel madly in love when you DO meet her!
skigurl skigurl 9 years
i agree with some of the comments, and while it will be easy to dismiss this internet relationship, that's not really a fair assessment of the situation, nor is it the main point of Nora's predicament...however, i would say that since you have yet to meet him, you shouldn't get too worried about this third party friend never know what might happen when you do meet, and maybe getting stressed about her is just a waste of energy...furthermore, having a relationship over the internet is one thing, but the fact that this girl is being mean to you over the internet because of a guy she has also never met is pretty wait it out and see what happens when you do meet in person, because this virtual friend can be easily blocked
javsmav javsmav 9 years
Sure you can meet someone online- that's where I met my boyfriend, but I don't think you can really be in love until you actually meet and get to know each other IRL. Sometimes the person may be just like you imagined and things are smooth sailing from that point forward, & you do really fall in love (like Karlotta). But a lot of the time, you have an idea of how a person is before you meet them & then it's awkward or just plain bad when you're together. However, your problem could just as easily happened IRL. In fact it happened to my sister, her now boyfriend, & their friend who had feelings for her boyfriend. Basically, they just aren't friends with her anymore, b/c it's really hard to get over rejection & even more so when another person is involved. You can't force them to not have contact & if he wasn't into her before then he's probably not going to be into her now--especially if he has you, but he should still respect your feelings.
karlotta karlotta 9 years
Please don't brush her story aside because it's over the internet! Four years ago, if anyone had told me I was going to meet the love of my life online, I would have scoffed. But 6 months later, a friend of mine said "I gave your IM to a good friend, he lives in France, and does photo and video just like you. I'm sure you guys will find a lot of professional projects to work on together." Professional projects - YEAH RIGHT. This guy was so special! He made me laugh over iChat 10 times harder than anyone else had in real life. We could not stop talking. When we did our first webcam, he did this incredible light show and sang me a song he wrote (he's also a professional musician) and he was incredibly charming - and by the end of the evening I WAS MADLY IN LOVE WITH HIM. Seriously, that was the man of my life. It took us another 14 months to meet in person, and then we had a long distance relationship (France - US) for another 16 months - most of which spent living our story over the internet. I finally moved to France last year to be with him, and I've never been happier. So please don't dismiss her relationship because it's in a form that you don't know. That's just obnoxious and narrow-minded. Internet relationships can actually be incredibly rich and fulfilling; we had "dates" where we'd rent the same DVD and watch it together over webcam; and we'd cook the same thing, just, well... an ocean apart. We'd sleep together on webcam and sometimes leave it on while we were occupied with something else, just as if the person was in the same room. We made movies, songs, photos, websites, drawings for each other. We sent each other gifts and care packages, and planned amazing vacations - those were the only times we could finally "BE" together physically. It was from far the richest, most complex, most incredible relationship I've ever had, and I hate to think that so many people looked down on us at the time (and many did) because we were living it "VIRTUALLY". Well, reality's proven us right - we have been living together for 11 months, we're incredibly happy, and we still laugh even harder than before. Except now we get to have that mind blowing sex more often than every 8 weeks. I have no advice for the poster, except to be honest with him, without giving him an ultimatum. Tell him she's making you uncomfortable, and you wish he'd add a bit of distance with her at least to defend you. Ask him to put himself in your shoes. IF the situation were reversed... blabla. All in all, Dear's advice was just great. My point here was to defend the OP against the attacks on her "internet long distance" relationship. It was really pissing me off. Who are those people who think they can judge of something they don't know and aren't living? Booo.
Meike Meike 9 years
Oh, I forgot to note. My husband is from Europe. I'm from the North America. Two continents, an ocean apart. ;)
Meike Meike 9 years
Actually, assuming both individuals are as genuine and open online as they are in real life, they can really love one another without having physically met. It's not an unrealistic fantasy to start off a relationship like this. I vouch for that considering I met my husband online, loved him before I physically met him, had sex with him on the first night we met in person, discoverd one other was exactly as each other expected/described or better, developed a strong foundation for a good relationship with him, lived together harmoniously, and got married. Of course, my story is not something everyone else will experience. In fact, it was a viable risk to me but I went ahead with it anyway. Regardless of that matter, an online relationship just shouldn't be discounted as fantasy. It's rare but successful relationships can and do occur. I consider many of the people I've met online my friends. And, they have been very real friends and even business associates. One of them has helped me immensely with my career and we've yet to meet each other. When your field is in the realm of computer science/IT/web programming/online retails etc., the internet is a very good place to meet people of like minds especially, um, *cough*nerds*cough*. That said, I encourage you to talk about the issues you have with this immature girl at a later time after you and your boyfriend have met in person. If there is anything that meeting in real life does do for you both is that it adds another layer of attachment between the two of you. As it stands now, your relationship with your boyfriend is not thoroughly developed enough for him to see eye to eye with you. If he were to physically see that you were negatively affected by this girl's actions instead of you telling him about it via chat/phone/email etc., it would be more impactful than words alone. I don't think after he has met you and the real life chemistry is as good as it is online that he would let some outside force interfere between you and him.
snowbunny11 snowbunny11 9 years
Um, not to be a total jerk, but you have "known" this guy for two years and you really love him and you've never met him? This is not a real relationship, but you're living a fantasy. I'm not saying don't bother meeting him or considering him a friend, but this just isn't a realistic situation! I could be totally off here (I'm really sick and cranky), so if I am I hope the other posters will correct me, but geez. Um, my advice would be that this friend isn't a real friend either, so it doesn't really matter if you hurt her, she is living an even bigger fantasy...
injustica injustica 9 years
Wow. This sounds so much like a situation that I'm half in/trying to get out of right now. When my boyfriend and I got together, his best friend (a woman that I had been close friends with for years before he even knew her) got very jealous. She was upset that we were dating, and she alluded without saying at one time that she did have feelings for him -- even though she is more than 14 years older than we are. We've been dating for more than two years now, and it's still a fight every time we come home from college for the summer; she expects him to spend all his free time with her, since he gets to see me all year -- even though we're in a very serious relationship. My advice, being in an extremely similar situation (at least in my eyes) is not to wait for him to decide what he wants with the relationships with you and the other friend. Make YOUR views clear -- let him know that you don't think he should be as involved with her if she's been mean to you, without telling him to shut her out completely, because that would only freak him out. My only regret in my relationship regarding that situation is that I didn't tell my boyfriend when I had the chance how the other woman was making me feel, how she always seemed to be working against me to make him mad at me, and how she was constantly trying to steal him from me -- something that guys often miss. They're just like puppies: willing to follow whoever shows them a bit of attention. Thanks for sharing!
shernic82 shernic82 9 years
Well...considering this is all over the internet, I would just block her and forget about it. It sucks to hurt someone, but it's ridiculous to deal with what you're dealing with.
lindholmka lindholmka 9 years
I'm not sure how long it will last anyways due to the fact that you live in different countries. Also I have met several people that I really liked a lot talking to online but as soon as we met in person, the chemistry just wasn't there and things quickly deteriorated relationship wise. As far as the girl... she seems really immature and personally I wouldn't waste my time trying to please her because at this point she feels that you "stole" her man and theres nothing you can really say to change her feelings. If she continues to say mean and hurtful things to you I would suggest blocking her and forgetting about her. I don't think she's much of a threat being that this is all online. If YOU are the one your boyfriend loves, he should understand that the way this girl is treating you is not okay...even if she is his friend too. Good luck and be careful meeting people online! :-)
piksie007 piksie007 9 years
your whole situation seems overly complicated right now...why don't you wait to meet him before getting too worked up over what's happening with your friend. it would probably be best to wait it all out and chill for a bit :)
HayleyStark HayleyStark 9 years
I don't understand being in love with someone you've never met in person. But that's just me. Regardless, I agree there should never be anyone in the middle of your relationship. However, you can't tell him who to be friends with and if he chooses to be her friend, you can only decide if you can live with it. It doesn't mean you have to be.
sass317 sass317 9 years
Oh hun, he lives in another country, you dont know that yall will be able to stand each other in person even without his friend not liking you and some other online friend being mad at you and having feelings for him (also someone SHE has never met).
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