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You Asked: His Ex Is Making My Life Miserable

Dear Sugar,

My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for about five years, and we just moved in together two months ago. He has a 7-year-old son who comes over on the weekends. His son's mom is still dead set on trying to win my boyfriend back. She will call him several times a day, everyday. Sometimes it's to let him talk to his son, but most of the time it's not. In fact, she will tell him that he can't talk to his son unless he talks to her first. For a while she would just tell him that she misses him and that she wants to work it out, but a few days ago she actually asked him out on a date!

When she found out that we had moved in together, it got much worse, and she's now calling him up to 40 times a day! When she's not bugging him, she spends her time constantly badmouthing me. I trust my boyfriend, but it does cause fights because I don't understand why he even bothers talking to her.

I understand that they have a son together so they have to talk, but am I asking too much by expecting him to just hang up on her when she goes on one of her rants? Am I going to have to deal with this for the rest of my life? She has threatened to hurt me, and she talks badly about me (and my boyfriend) to their son. Is there anything we can do to tame this situation?

—Concerned Cora

To see DearSugar's answer

Dear Concerned Cora,

This certainly is a difficult situation, especially because there is a child involved. You have every right to feel frustrated, and I agree with you that your boyfriend should hang up as soon as his ex begins saying anything negative about you or your relationship. It sounds like he's worried that she won't let him see his son if he doesn't give into her wants, which is understandable, but try to explain to him that their relationship is not healthy for anyone involved, especially their son.

Though I don't know the specific custody arrangement, I do know that she can't refuse to let him see or speak to his child without legal repercussions. You might want to discuss the possibility of getting a formal custody agreement in place that's legally binding. That said, even if there is a formalized agreement, you're still going to have to deal with this woman for as long as you're with your boyfriend, and unfortunately, you can't control all of her actions or hostility. The most that you can do is keep an open dialog with your boyfriend and try to manage your reactions to the situation. Keep in mind that it's always better to be the bigger person. Best of luck to you.

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smoochiez smoochiez 9 years
get that mom a date or something to get her mind off of your bf.
davisdavis davisdavis 9 years
When his ex has threated you, has she been specific? "I'm going to cut you with a knife on your face" vs. "I'm going to cut you?" It sounds like she is very unhappy and focusing that on you, which makes me worry.
CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 9 years
I didnt really understand what was so bad about us moving intogether either. Its like a said in my original response, Its not like I just jumped right in and started playing house. We've known eachother for a long time, and his son has many memories with me, and even tells me that he loves me (only every once in a while though, which makes it seem more sincere) So...Im thinking at this point it would probably be harder for his son to understand why Im only around sometimes, as opposed to why we all share a house. He has a door hanger on his bedroom door that says "no girls allowed, except jennifer" and when Im at work (I work on sundays) or doing something without them, he asks when Im coming home, or when Im going to come hang out with them. So...im thinking that he rather enjoys me being around.
Meike Meike 9 years
Yeah... "No moving in with him being a single parent is wrong." Total BS. No, it is not wrong to move in with a single-father so long as his son is happy in what seems to be a much healthier environment for him. I know of friends who very much love their step parent before they even became their step parent. Seems like your bf's son has much appreciation for you and you're setting much better examples for him as a potential parent, SuperDuper. Also, I do have to applaud you for your emotional endurance. I know I would never even consider entering such a relationship from the get-go. So, kudos to you.
KrysNyte KrysNyte 9 years
Sounds like the girl has a control freak problem. Anyway. I only wanted to comment on another comment. Caterpillar Girl saying you shouldn't move in with a single parent. What is UP with that? That attitude really gets me. It is the whole Christian living thing, and what people don't seem to realize is children do not really know the difference between a stepmom (married) and dad's girlfriend.(not married) I could marry and divorce fifty people and why would that be any different than if I simply moved them in with me? Of course, I'm not Christian, just like A LOT of other people in this country, so I don't have problems being a little open minded.
CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 9 years
ok...im an idiot, now you all know who really posted this. I was trying to keep it anonymous, like its supposed to be but I blew my own cover. :o :cocktail:
diazy diazy 9 years
You must really love him. The situation sucks and I hope you can resolve this. And by the way I feel sorry for your boyfriend it must be really hard on him. He sounds like he loves you and probably wants you to be happy and on the other hand he got his son to think about. So it must be hard for him not to say anything when his ex go of. I know for sure it is harder for me to hold my tong than just telling someone off. If you really want to sort this try counseling for the two of you and then try and involve the ex if she doesn't cooperate then get in touch with your lawyers. Good luck I hope you get this sorted :) and ignore the bitchy comments there are plenty of us on your side ;)
CoMMember13630786602261 CoMMember13630786602261 9 years
No-we live in Kansas. Ive heard (no proof, just hearsay)that midwestern states tend to be very lenient towards mothers.
JovianSkies JovianSkies 9 years
Damn those little emoticons....
JovianSkies JovianSkies 9 years
I just thought of something...you're not in New Jersey, are you? I'm just asking, because New Jersey judges are some of the most corrupt in America. I know firsthand, as my family had been in Family Court in New Jersey, and judges from other states were shocked at our situation (I lived with an abusive father, and my mom kept losing in court for custody), and asked what state/county we were in. We replied "New Jersey", and the judge responded, "Oooh, THAT'S why. Anyone can buy off a New Jersey judge". :TRUESTORY: I sincerely hope that this is NOT the case for you, but if it is, gather ALL information available, concerning her behavior. Record her phone calls, have everyone and everyone evaluated by a psychologist (including the son) if you must.
SuperDuper SuperDuper 9 years
oh and when I say "when she found out we moved in together" She actually knew that it was going to happen before it happened...but I guess she didnt want to believe it or something. So she was talking to my BF on the phone one day and he said something to my dog (like "miya, get down") or something along those lines and she flipped out wanting to know who Miya was. (yeah..weird huh, they arent even together and she acts like hes cheating on her) He was like "uh..jennifer's dog" and shes like "what are you doing watching her dog?!" and hes like "uh...we live together..you know that" and thats when it all went way down hill.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
but SHE IS the problem...her attitude. I get she shouldn't be out because she's the mother. But damn, that crazy lady needs to get her act straight! is she 18 or something? I almost want to suggest you two ::shudder:: talk. Call her out. Instead of him dropping off the kid, why dont YOU drop him off, make sure he's in another room and confront her. And if she dare lay a finger on you, woah man....she better have knocked you out. I mean, she's gotta lot of nerve going around, running her mouth and talking all this mess...find out why she dislikes you so much, other than the fact that you're with the man she loves? I dunno...you gotta do something if you want change. YOU. Only YOU can make a change in your life, to be happy. Just don't do anything messy in front of the child (I know u wont).
SuperDuper SuperDuper 9 years
erratic-I dont want her out of our life, I just want the craziness out. I want her to move on and accept the fact that hes not in love with her. I mean...We will get married someday, and I dont want to have security at my wedding incase she shows up...you know what I mean? I just want them to be able to be civil towards eachother. I know its possible, my parents were divorced and they were always pretty civil towards eachother. My sister is divorced and they can get along fine, even though she knows that my neice adores her ex's new girlfriend, she doesnt care because she knows that this woman loves her daughter as if she was a part of her own family. I want her to understand that Im not a bad person, and I wouldnt do anything to harm her son. But mostly I want her to stop using thier son as a way to manipulate my BF. Nina-Yes, hes fought for full custody before, but like a said..she doesnt physically abuse him, hes always clean and well fed.etc. He wants to come live with us, but hes still too young for a judge to really consider that. (because most seven year old boys would rather live with their dad than their mom, and of course, even though we try not to let it happen, he still looks at our house as "fun time with dad" and moms house is when he has to help with his little sister and do homework and get up early and go to school..etc) He has been having behavior problems in school, so I suggested that we go see someone in a legal capacity and see if there was anyway that he could get temporary custody, just to see if he would start doing better in school if he were with us. Right now everything is up in the air as far as going to court because a little while before she found out that we lived together she called him hysterically crying saying that James needed to come live with him, because he needs his dad and shes a horrible mother and she cant take care of him. So they had kinda started the process of her handing him over, but then she found out that we lived together and took it all back. But everyonce in a while, she will get frustrated with James and my BF will get another of those calls, but then she just takes it back the next day. So, its all very tentative right now, but he will go back to court. The plan when we got the new house was that, we would get the house, get it all fixed up and we would have James by the start of the new school year. But...nothing really goes as planned with this woman.
Nina_79 Nina_79 9 years
Has your bf (and you) thought about getting custody for his son or having his son live with you and stay with his mother on week-ends or at other times? I know this would be a drastic move but as you describe it she is also hurting her son by not letting him talk to his father and talking bad about him. How do you get along with his son and how is he doing in all this? It is so sad to see when parents use their children to get back at one another after they brake-up.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
hmmm....well here's what I see: you and ur man and his kid....dealing with this for as long as that clingy chick is around. period. Your man will always try to be around his kid, as he should, and she will ALWAYS be there to tick you off and make you explode. I really don't see a solution. Things like these don't always end well. I have an uncle who, after maybe 18 years, IS STILL dealing with his baby-momma's crap. He can NEVER have a good relationship with a woman because the PSYCHO is ALWAYS there. Women have come and gone, and she's still standing. Why? Cuz she's the mother of their children. My uncle is MISERABLE. IDK....can u handle this for the rest of your life? I don't know what kind of solution you're asking for....she's never gonna go away.
SuperDuper SuperDuper 9 years
Caterpillar-My BF and I have been together for the majority of 5 years, and we JUST moved intogether. I dont really see the problem in that. Its not like we met and I just jumped right in a started playing house with his life. We arent married yet, but we've talked about it, and when the timing is right we will be. This is not some fling of a relationship, and we talked with his son about us all living together before it happened, and he couldnt wait for it to happen. So, I really dont see anything wrong with it. davisdavis-thank you for your (nonjudgemental) advice. I know that its going to take alot of patience on my part, I guess I just needed someone to tell me exactly what you siad! Heathero-I think at this point I would prefer her to not even acknowledge my presence! Atleast then she wouldnt be doing serious damage to their child. He told us once "I had to lie to my mom and tell her that I dont like Jennifer because shed get mad at me" Id rather be invisible to her than to hear their son say things like this. it breaks my heart.
heathero heathero 9 years
I am in a very similar situation, I've been with my boyfriend for the past 3 1/2 years. we have been living together for the past 3 years. and he has a 3 1/2 year old. We have been together since he was 2 months old. He was also only with his ex for about 2 months before she became pregnant (she claimed she was on birth control, but later confessed that she just ":wanted to have a family with him", they were only 19 and 20) he also tried to "do the right thing" and stay with her, but when she was about 6 months along he had to break it off, she's crazy. When the baby was born she told my bf that the baby might die and that he can't see him.(he was fine) after the baby was born, my bf went to visit his son at her place and she claimed that he assulted her and she put a restraining order against him saying she was afraid he would hurt her or the baby. We went throught a brutal custody battle, but now we have ever other weekend and wed. nights. it is also written in the agreement that the other parent should have resonable phone contact with the child while in the custody of the other parent. My bf and her are now able to get along, but i know she says things to her son about me, he acts weird around me when she is there or coming to pick him up and recently asked me if i was going to "touch him" while i was taking him to the bathroom. I don't klnow what to do. I know she's putting things in his head. It's not even like i can talk to her about it, It's not that she threatens me or anything, but she has refused to acknowledge my existance. This is not healthy for the child. The child an i get along great and we always have. he doesn't know anything other than Heather and daddy. It was never just daddy. he shouldn't feel guilty for loving me. I alway's felt like i was the only person in this situation. but obveously i'm not. i really hope everything works out for you
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
No moving in with him being a single parent is wrong. maybe read my post next time thoroughly before commenting.
davisdavis davisdavis 9 years
SuperDuper, I think you guys need to take a trip to the lawyer. Hopefully, the father won't have to sue for full custody, but some court-ordered family counseling sounds like it would be really great for this little boy. From what you say, he's been through a lot: parents splitting, new lady in dad's life, new dudes in and out of mom's life, mom struggling with that, mom and dad fighting. All of this is going to take a toll on him, and you need to stay out of it as much as possible. Just be a fun, stable influence in his life, keeps avoiding saying negative things about his mom, and ride it out. How this gets handled is up to the father, and you need to just watch, wait, and be patient. That said, if you believe her threats against you (if they become specific, mentioning the way in which she plans to harm you, she's likelier to act), you need to go to the cops with your concerns. They're actually pretty good at sorting these sorts of things out.
SuperDuper SuperDuper 9 years
Caterpillar Girl-So...you are saying that anyone who is a single parent should never be in a relationship???? That its ok for her to control his life by making it impossible for him to have a relationship? Sorry but that seems "whack".
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl 9 years
bad move with the moving in thing. Especially because he has a child. That child comes before you, sorry but thats the truth and the ex is along for the ride. You cant be selfish and expect him to now live by your rules , even though you think the situation is whack. Get out now, spare yourself.
SuperDuper SuperDuper 9 years
Almost Famous-While I realize that thats a personal choice of yours,Its actually what made me fall in love with him. My strongest desire out of life is to have a family. My parents divorced when I was 2, I dont remember them being together, and my dad was not around too much. The only thing that I want for my (future) children is for them not to go through the same thing. So when I met him and met his son and saw the kind of father he is, I fell in love with him. Him and his sons mom were never married, the met when he was 21 (she was 19) and dated for not even a month before she got pregnant. He tried to do the right thing by staying with her, but it didnt work out. That doesnt make him a bad person, or a bad boyfriend, but stuff happens. And I honestly dont know if I would be so sure that he is the one if I didnt see first hand what kind of father he is. Erratic assasin-I really couldnt even believe that person said what they said. I know I am not his mother, and I never try to be. I dont even try to go there, because Ive had 2 stepdads and I know the kind of anger it can create in a child when someone is trying to be a replacement parent. Anyway..I know that his son his first priority, thats why this bothers me so much. I dont like feeling like Im the reason he cant talk to his son, it makes me feel horrible, but I also dont think its fair that he be expected to be single for the rest of his life because she cant deal with him being with someone else.
erratic-assassin erratic-assassin 9 years
damn, poor NdHebert....lol...took a beating! I agree with everyone else. Tell your man to take his balls out of his purse and do something with them...like chuck em at the psycho bitch. He needs to take his issue to court and bury it. You hang in there and be strong....I dont doubt this guy's feelings for you, but his son is his 1st priority and I hope you know that. good luck with the psycho!
gossipqueen gossipqueen 9 years
NdHebert....that is totally f*cked up!!!! pardon my french...RIDICULOUS!! You are obviously one of those women who tries to stay with a man that doesn't love them at all costs.... wow! CRAZY! To the poster....good luck! Sit down with your bf and have a heart to heart...you BOTH need to be willing to go the distance...and if you both do...keep a journal, phone records, phone recordings if you can...everything needs to be filed for when that woman totally turns into NdHebert...i mean...completely psycho! bit mean...but I'm just saying what EVERYBODY is thinking! :p
SuperDuper SuperDuper 9 years
Hotstuff-my boyfriend has tried both tactics. Somtimes he just says "look I really dont want to talk about this again, can I just talk to james" Sometimes he does loose it a little and go off on her. She told him once that "if I find out my son is around that whore again, you will never see him again" I think that was the first time he really went off on her..and low and behold she didnt let him talk to their son for a week and half. And someone metioned something about her and I sitting down and talking...and while that sounds great in theory, I dont think it would actually play out that way in real life. Considering she told him that if I am ever in the car when he comes to pick his son up she will kick my ass (her words not mine) So...we just try to avoid that. Though sometimes I joke with my boyfriend that I will let her beat me up if that gives us enough proof to get their son away from her. And whoever said maybe she just needs to find a new man, you are so right. Shes been in other relationships since my bf and I met (she has a 2 year old daughter from a different guy, but that guy is not in the picture at all) And when shes with someone, she leaves us alone. But she never holds a relationship for longer than a few months. We've talked about giving her one of our old computers so that she has something to do, a way to meet people. My BF has tried to get custody, but she doesnt abuse him (physically) she doenst neglect him, hes always clean and fed. And honestly, she isnt always this bad. Its just since she found out that we moved intogether that it has gotten really out of hand. 2 days after she found out that we lived together she called him yelling and screaming and demanding that he needs to start giving her more money because hes a horrible father who doesnt take care of his son. Mind you, he pays child support, plus gives her extra money every month..just because she asks. (though lately he has made her start giving him receipts for the extra money, because he wasnt so sure that she was actually spending it on their son) AND also, remember that she has a daughter whos dad is a deadbeat, but she has never tried to take that guy to court for child support. Thank you all for the advice, hopefully I can give you all a postive update sometime soon!
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