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You Asked: His Roommate Is Affecting Our Relationship

Dear Sugar,

Last Summer my boyfriend moved in with one of his friends. We are both very busy and usually see each other on the weekends. Most of the time I sleep at his place but things have been strange lately; it seems like my boyfriend's friend is jealous of the relationship we have. He constantly tags along and recently he has been making me feel really uncomfortable by pulling my boyfriend aside to talk to him when I am there or bringing up conversations while intentionally leaving me out of them.

I addressed my feelings with my boyfriend, and he feels that he is in an awkward spot between his girlfriend and his friend. He agrees that he's being rude but he won't make an effort to express that to him. Is it wrong to be angry at my boyfriend for his lack of support? Should I step in and address this problem myself? I just don't know what to do, but it's certainly wearing on our relationship.

— Pushed Aside Alyssa

To see Dear Sugar's answer


Dear Push Aside Alyssa,

In my own experience, I've found that men are very strange when it comes to their friends in relation to their girlfriends. There a certain unspoken rules that really shouldn't be broken, and one of those seems to be about confronting each other about problems, but since this is affecting your relationship, the problem does need to be addressed. You did everything right by asking your boyfriend to speak with his friend on behalf of the both of you, but just because he feels stuck in the middle, it doesn't mean he gets to skip out on handling the issue. I would simply tell your boyfriend that you think it will make things far more awkward if you have to say something yourself, but you will if he doesn't.

If he continues to put up a fuss, try to coach him through the conversation. He should be able to get the point across to his friend without actually saying anything directly. He could just mention that he needs some alone time with his girl; it really can be that simple, or when a conversation comes up that completely excludes you, your boyfriend can do his part to loop you in. If he does it enough, his friend will get the hint!


Join The Conversation
jerseylove jerseylove 9 years
Listen Alyssa. You are COMPLETLY right. there is no reason for you to have to share time with your boyfriend with this obnoxious immature room mate. you obviously give your bf much space to be with his friends and seem pretty confident in the relationship. part of being in a relationship is making time together. i dont care what anyone says...this is the room mate's issue and i think he probaly just wishes he had a gf so he didnt feel like such a loser when you came over. YOUR AMAZING. it takes a lot of confidence to stand up to your bf and defend yourself and now he has to have your back. you are probaly just a reminder that this low life roomie has no woman to love him back.
JaimeLeah526 JaimeLeah526 9 years
Guys seem to always do this. They get jealous that their friend would rather hang out with his girl than them. Duh, they're getting sex from the girlfriend.
rpenner rpenner 9 years
As most of us agree, roommates are always a problem. Whether their your own or your significat other's. Either way, I hope your man man's up and talks to his roommate because you are not over there often enough for their to be an issue.
bengalspice bengalspice 9 years
When it comes to guys, roommates always end up as a problem.
j2e1n9 j2e1n9 9 years
This is why, after I turned 23, I have refused to date men who have roommates. I need a certain amount of coupley-privacy time. Sorry! Also, post 23, no roomies for me either! ;)
lily8206 lily8206 9 years
Why don't you just start doing things out of his apartment more? Make sure you BF knows his roommate isn't welcome to join you, and spend time together doing things, rather then hanging out at home. If you are going to hang out at his place, go to his room and close the door - even if you're just watching a movie. If the problem presists you CAN say something to the roommate yourself, although I agree your BF should say something - anything, even if it's subtle at first.
sass317 sass317 9 years
I think either the roommate doesnt like you (for whatever reason, maybe hes just pissed he doesnt have a gf or something) or he just doesnt like that you are there every weekend. I totally get that you only see each other on the weekend- but now that he lives with his friend (your bf) he might not be getting as much time to hang out with him as he thought he would. Good luck though. So glad Im married and dont have to deal with this kind of crap anymore, I thought my husbands old roomie was kind of a dork and neither of us really liked his gf.
wiciltd wiciltd 9 years
i don't care if someone is over every night of the week It's the whole give and take with a roommate.. they have a life too and they shouldn't have to say "sorry no guests" because you're a douche bag and somehow managed to get into a roommate situation wanting total privacy.. I can understand if she was eating his food..Sleeping in his bed.. and pluggin up his toilet - things that directly affect the roommate.. But she's not He's just being jealous of her taking time away from him for videos games or whatever else they do.. Friends tend to get jealous when someone invades their turf.. He's just trying to get her to back off.. And let him have her man to himself..
karlorene karlorene 9 years
i understand the roommate feeling it was "his" space, and it is half his, but let's be honest, he should be reasonable if she's only over there every so often
AnnaLove AnnaLove 9 years
I agree with shernic. I always got annoyed when my roommates had their boyfriends over making me feel like I was intruding by being at my own place. Gah. Have your boy sleep over at your place and give the poor roommate a night off.
lily3484 lily3484 9 years
Hey guys, I am "Alyssa" lol. Thanks for all the advice. I see how some people acknowleged that I do only see my bf on the weekend! That is my big point. I am the type of person that needs space in a relationship so seeing each other on the weekend is not a big deal. I decided (before reading dear sugar) to talk to my bf again and I did say that if you don't say something to your friend I will. It is not fair for me to feel uncomfortable. After some bickering back and forth, he agreed to saying something but felt like he should only say something when the problem happens again. I know it will happen again so I am not too worried about that. I am glad that most of you agree with Dear Sugar's advice :)
Trixie6 Trixie6 9 years
I don't mean to sound like a bitch, but I think her boyfriend needs to man up. It would be a different story if she spent five nights a week at his place, but she's rarely there. Boyfriend needs to tell the roommate to back off.
Marci Marci 9 years
Roomates are always a problem. Always.
karlorene karlorene 9 years
haha i am going through something pretty similiar. i really don't like my boyfriend's roommate too much. it doesn't help that we are in a long distance relationship, so i only see him about every two months, and when i do see him, this guy barely acknowledges me, sleeps in the same room, and then, when i was not there, invited 4 girls to stay at their tiny apartment for a week. i got so angry about it... i trust my bf and i know i need to get over it, it happened a month ago, but i can't help it- i still start little fights over it.
lemassabielle lemassabielle 9 years
Wait, she isn't even there often! two times a week isn't often at all. I hate to be the one that suspects something in the water ain't right but something seems off. It's hard to keep a relationship going when A) The guy lives with his friend. B) You barely see him. It gives him the chance to live the single life.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 9 years
shernic82 makes a very good point. theres his side of the problem. even more of a reason for there to be a TALK.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
i don't believe in roommates, and now that i'm thinking about it, i never dated a guy who had a roommate. they were always a bit more established in life and had their own place. who wants to date someone where you can't have a full-blown orgasm (trying to keep the noise down), or walk around naked when you're at their place??? i think i would never want to come over his house. the issue that the roommate has with your man isn't your problem. that's between your man and the roommie. but in the meanwhile, you're suppose to take the abuse??? why don't you take a break from going to your man's place. i'm sure after a while of you not coming over to shnoo-buggy (have sex), will make him see that he needs to man-up about the situation.
Asia84 Asia84 9 years
what the hell??? okay, fine. the roommate is a donkey, but your man can't stand up and say, "dude, you know you've been disrespecting Alyssa when she comes over. that sh*t ain't cool man. and i wouldn't do your girl like that. so you need to chill. you and i are still boys, and we're gonna still have our high-rollers (guys night out) night. don't trip." or however guys talk. but basically what i mean is that it doesn't have to be this huge thing. if your man can't speak up and be a man, then maybe you need to look at who you're dating.
shernic82 shernic82 9 years
Okay...I had to comment. I have been in the situation of your boyfriend's friend, and most likely, he is pissed that you are there so often. I had a roommate whose boyfriend stayed over constantly, and I hated him for that alone. I felt like he was mooching and that he had somewhere to live, why didn't he ever stay there? It is annoying to have a roommate's significant other at your place all the time. You need to respect the space of his roommate, if you want to stay over with your boyfriend so often, he needs to move out and get a place of his own or you just need to move in together, because it is unfair to put his roommate in this situation. He is obviously uncomfortable and wishes you would leave so he could have his house back. I'm not trying to be harsh with you, I am just right out of this situation and my former roommate and no longer speak because I asked her over and over to fix the situation and she never would, then she got mad at me when I finally asked her to please move. Just think about it. People are weird about their space - I sure am. When you're home, you don't want to be confronted with everyone, it's your time to be yourself and walk around in your underwear if you want. It's not cool to deal with someone else's company all the time.
Sun_Sun Sun_Sun 9 years
exactly! flat out tell him that if he wont say anything, u will. and i say stick by it. have a calm and short (but well put) talk with the roommate. :) good luck
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